Me: I'm gonna write a blog on personalities. I have homework for you. If you could choose one word to describe yourself, what would it be, and why?
Her: I really don't know. I think strong or tough would be good. So many words come to mind... Loving. Everything I do in my life is for [her child]. I give up so much for love.
Me: Yes you do. You are an amazing mom! You are also a kind, giving, and loving friend! You bring out the best in me... I love that about you!
At the risk of spilling too much personal information about my friend, she is a wonderful mom, but carries some guilt about the fact that she's not always able to do everything for her child that she thinks she needs to do. I have seen her in action, and she does just as well as any of the rest of us! As parents, we all learn as we go. None of us dove into parenthood knowing all of the right answers! She is doing well, and her kiddo is beautiful, smart, and well taken care of.
So, from the psychological point of view that we discussed yesterday... I question if perhaps her subconscious mind was somehow trying to convince and reassure herself (or me) of her parenting skills. I already think she's a great Mom, but she questions herself. So, the one-word answer could have covered how she acts towards her friends, her parents, her siblings, her roommate, etc., but when asked to define how she is loving, the answer went down to her child. I found that interesting.
Was it a parental knee-jerk response, or was it something else?
If I were to describe my friend with one word, I would choose "Worldly." She was begging me to tell her what the word was, but I refused because the word by itself may sound negative. I don't mean it in a bad way at all! In fact, I mean it as she has done a lot of things, been a lot of places, gone through a lot of really difficult issues... is 5 years younger than I am... and still manages to be a very caring, loving person. She gives people a chance, but she is no fool. She is nearly as perceptive as the person I talked about yesterday, but manages to keep her opinions to herself. She's "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, then sold it in a yard sale!" Yet she still cares and tries to let people in.
I think it is interesting that two very different people can each have a lifetime of difficulties, and yet walk away with completely different attitudes. I am guarded and constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. She is the very opposite! She cares, she opens herself up, and she loves until that person proves her wrong.
I can't help but wonder if these differences have anything to do with birth order. If you Google that sort of thing, there are varied opinions on the subject. Some scientists claim that birth order can help shape an individuals' personality. I tend to think that it does make some sort of a difference. Below, I've pasted some snippets from an article I found on the subject...
Personality Traits Linked to Birth Order
- Clearly, firstborns are natural leaders. They also tend to be reliable, conscientious and perfectionists who don't like surprises. Although, firstborns are typically aggressive, many are also compliant people pleasers. They are model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge.
- Middle children may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, they are independent and inventive.
- Babies of the family are social and outgoing, they are the most financially irresponsible of all birth orders. They just want to have a good time. These kids love the limelight. While lastborns may be charming, they also have the potential to be manipulative.
With all of that being said, I'll use myself as the example first. I was the baby in my household, and I was a pain as a teenager, always getting into trouble. I am very social and I do love to have fun. I enjoy being in the limelight with my friends, but not around strangers. I have serious stage fright! Finally, I disagree about being financially irresponsible. I have a lot of bills from my divorce, and everything gets paid immediately after payday, before any money is spent on "fun stuff."
Now, my friend is more complicated. She was born as the oldest/only child, but then later became a middle child through remarriage. So, I believe she has a slight combination of both personalities... As the oldest child, she is reliable and slightly OCD about her stuff, and I believe she might have a tendancy to want approval from some of the other people in her life. As a middle child, she has very close relationships with her friends, and she does try to remain the peacemaker whenever possible.
In retrospect, I would have to say that her word, "Loving," is the most suitable for her. I believe she hit the nail on the head with that one. She has just as many reasons as anyone to be bitter or negative about life... and yet she prevails and her smile and amazing sense of humor just shine through instead. Perhaps she could teach me a lesson or two in opening up and letting people in!
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Friday, July 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
My Support Group
I received this message yesterday from a dear friend. It completely made my day, so I feel compelled to share...
"I just got done reading your Dec and Jan blog posts and I have decided that you need to raise my kids. You are so strong and amazing and I want my ***** to be just like that. I dont have half of the awesome that you do. I would have crumbled and cranked and went crying back to my parents if I had faced a 10th of what you have. I can't imagine going thru what you went thru the last 5 years and not being a bitter hateful and depressed person. You are amazing and when I grow up I wanna be just like you!!"
How can she think for a minute that she isn't amazing, when she can send me a note like that, just out of the blue?? I know her daughter is in the best of hands, and will just as wonderful as she is! I really did appreciate the love & encouragement she had sent, though. I wouldn't have half my strength if it weren't for the support of my friends & family.
I've said it before... I really am surrounded by the most beautiful, amazing & loving people. I am thankful every day for that!
"I just got done reading your Dec and Jan blog posts and I have decided that you need to raise my kids. You are so strong and amazing and I want my ***** to be just like that. I dont have half of the awesome that you do. I would have crumbled and cranked and went crying back to my parents if I had faced a 10th of what you have. I can't imagine going thru what you went thru the last 5 years and not being a bitter hateful and depressed person. You are amazing and when I grow up I wanna be just like you!!"
How can she think for a minute that she isn't amazing, when she can send me a note like that, just out of the blue?? I know her daughter is in the best of hands, and will just as wonderful as she is! I really did appreciate the love & encouragement she had sent, though. I wouldn't have half my strength if it weren't for the support of my friends & family.
I've said it before... I really am surrounded by the most beautiful, amazing & loving people. I am thankful every day for that!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The Ex, Detox, and Jobs
Ok, so I realize that I haven't really updated lately. So... let's see...
I got a phone call from Tim's current wife this morning, asking if Ash had her necklace that has apparently been missing for over a year. I don't know if she did or didn't take it... To be honest, I don't know why she would... but whatever. I've never seen her wearing it. But, apparently, we are now friends, and can share conversations about the kids... I would actually appreciate that, since Tim won't tell me anything... However, in retrospect, I should have asked her why she didn't call me when her daughter totaled a vehicle with my daughter in it??? I didn't want to pick a fight, though.
In other news, Monica, Chuck and I attempted to "detox" our bodies before starting a diet of "making better choices." So, we were off and running:
Day 1... Monica had a headache, Chuck was irritable (he stopped caffeine and nicotine in the same day!!) and went to bed early, and I made it through in one piece.
Day 2... Monica still had a headache, and was hungry, Chuck was less irritable but very tired, and I had a ridiculous headache, which also made me irritable.
Day 3.... I woke up with that same headache, and weirdly enough... my kidneys hurt all day. Chuck was back to being irritable, and Monica decided she was done with the detox and went on to the "diet" portion by making herself an omelet for breakfast. That opened the door for me to have a cup of coffee, and my headache was gone (kidneys still hurt this morning, tho, for some reason).
So, we quit with the detox, and have all agreed to just limit the bad things (coffee for me, Cokes and chew for Chuck, and junk food for Monica). We will also be keeping an eye on our carbohydrate intake, and making sure to fill our snacks with fruits and veggies instead of junk food. We are all weighing ourselves first thing in the morning to see if any of us lost any weight from it.
Finally, the search for a job goes on...When I went through cancer and chemo, I found out who my real friends were. I learned very quickly that they may or may not be the people that are in your life every single day. They don't have to be on the phone with you on a regular basis, or babysit your kids on the weekends.
Your true friends will just step forward when you need it the most. I have had countless true friends offer help to me lately. I would love to make a list of all the people that have offered to give my resume to someone, or suggested a company or website, or gave me info on an opening somewhere, or even just gave me tips on how to beef up my resume. You are all awesome!!
Now, I don't have a job offer coming in yet, but I KNOW that when one does, it will be something really good, doing something that I WANT to do, some place closer to Carley.
I am excited about the opportunities that I know are coming my way!
I finally broke down and told Carley last night that I had lost my job, and that I am looking for something in Jacksonville. I told her that I can't make any promises, but I am trying to get closer to her. She was so excited, and that was just even more incentive for me to make sure this happens. I believe that if you want something bad enough, you have to find a way to make sure it happens.
When I lost my job, I was devastated.
I loved working for that company.
I loved my customers.
I loved the people I worked with.
I used that job as a reason not to leave Georgia.
I knew that I was unhappy being away from my daughter, but I was so afraid to quit, because I didn't know if I could find something just as fulfilling. So, even though being unemployed SUCKS from a financial aspect, I have an amazing support group, both here in Georgia, and with my family and friends. I know this was the kick in the pants that I needed to get back down Florida and to be in Carley's life on a much more regular basis.
I can't wait to see what the next step in my life will be. I am READY to get started (if only that phone would ring...lol).
I got a phone call from Tim's current wife this morning, asking if Ash had her necklace that has apparently been missing for over a year. I don't know if she did or didn't take it... To be honest, I don't know why she would... but whatever. I've never seen her wearing it. But, apparently, we are now friends, and can share conversations about the kids... I would actually appreciate that, since Tim won't tell me anything... However, in retrospect, I should have asked her why she didn't call me when her daughter totaled a vehicle with my daughter in it??? I didn't want to pick a fight, though.
In other news, Monica, Chuck and I attempted to "detox" our bodies before starting a diet of "making better choices." So, we were off and running:
Day 1... Monica had a headache, Chuck was irritable (he stopped caffeine and nicotine in the same day!!) and went to bed early, and I made it through in one piece.
Day 2... Monica still had a headache, and was hungry, Chuck was less irritable but very tired, and I had a ridiculous headache, which also made me irritable.
Day 3.... I woke up with that same headache, and weirdly enough... my kidneys hurt all day. Chuck was back to being irritable, and Monica decided she was done with the detox and went on to the "diet" portion by making herself an omelet for breakfast. That opened the door for me to have a cup of coffee, and my headache was gone (kidneys still hurt this morning, tho, for some reason).
So, we quit with the detox, and have all agreed to just limit the bad things (coffee for me, Cokes and chew for Chuck, and junk food for Monica). We will also be keeping an eye on our carbohydrate intake, and making sure to fill our snacks with fruits and veggies instead of junk food. We are all weighing ourselves first thing in the morning to see if any of us lost any weight from it.
Finally, the search for a job goes on...When I went through cancer and chemo, I found out who my real friends were. I learned very quickly that they may or may not be the people that are in your life every single day. They don't have to be on the phone with you on a regular basis, or babysit your kids on the weekends.
Your true friends will just step forward when you need it the most. I have had countless true friends offer help to me lately. I would love to make a list of all the people that have offered to give my resume to someone, or suggested a company or website, or gave me info on an opening somewhere, or even just gave me tips on how to beef up my resume. You are all awesome!!
Now, I don't have a job offer coming in yet, but I KNOW that when one does, it will be something really good, doing something that I WANT to do, some place closer to Carley.
I am excited about the opportunities that I know are coming my way!
I finally broke down and told Carley last night that I had lost my job, and that I am looking for something in Jacksonville. I told her that I can't make any promises, but I am trying to get closer to her. She was so excited, and that was just even more incentive for me to make sure this happens. I believe that if you want something bad enough, you have to find a way to make sure it happens.
When I lost my job, I was devastated.
I loved working for that company.
I loved my customers.
I loved the people I worked with.
I used that job as a reason not to leave Georgia.
I knew that I was unhappy being away from my daughter, but I was so afraid to quit, because I didn't know if I could find something just as fulfilling. So, even though being unemployed SUCKS from a financial aspect, I have an amazing support group, both here in Georgia, and with my family and friends. I know this was the kick in the pants that I needed to get back down Florida and to be in Carley's life on a much more regular basis.
I can't wait to see what the next step in my life will be. I am READY to get started (if only that phone would ring...lol).
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Rainy Day
This is for my girlfriends from over the years:
Jannian, Dodie, Mocha, Nic, Sylvia, Tammy,
Andrea, Carolyn, and Jennifer...
Andrea, Carolyn, and Jennifer...
I miss you.
My friends get that.
I feel down.
I don't want to talk, or be social, or even associate with other people.
My friends bring me out of that shell.
It's not like I'm in a bad mood, because I will talk with people. I just don't feel like "sharing" or "listening."
So, it's raining outside. It's dark, dreary, and wet. Seems fitting for today's thoughts.
This mood has been creeping up on me for a couple of weeks now. Ever since I stopped working at Michael's, I guess. I feel like I have no purpose. Since I don't have my own place, I am pretty limited on things to do. Even though I feel completely comfortable with the people that I live with, and love their home, it still isn't mine. We are really trying hard to pay off bills and get Chuck's car running, so we don't do very much.
So, I go to work, go home, sit on my [growing] butt and watch TV.
This is my life.
What's the point?
There is no point.
I'm just saying... what is my goal? I go to work so I can pay bills... but I'm not able to enjoy any of the money! I understand that it's part of being an adult, but what about all those things we looked forward to when we were kids?
I couldn't wait to grow up! Now that I'm an adult, I'm not taking advantage of it properly.
For the first time in my life, I'm not surrounded by friends.
This is why I spend so much time on Facebook. I miss my people! My friends "get" me.
They know that I like to just vent. Once I do, then we can move on to the next subject.
They don't take me seriously, unless I need to be taken seriously.
They understand the difference.
So, back to feeling blue.
Don't get me wrong... I love Chuck's family. They are wonderful, and I couldn't ask to be surrounded by a more fun-loving, caring family.
But... it's his family. If Chuck is bugging me, I don't think it's good to vent to his sister!
I miss just sitting around, talking with the girls.
I miss doing "couples" things.
I miss my family.
I miss bbq's on the weekends, with kids running around.
I miss my kids.
I miss going places and doing things.
I've finally decided that I don't really care for Georgia. I've been here almost four years and have literally not made any close friends. Oh, I've met people. But everyone is so family oriented around here, that they won't let anyone new in. I don't have a friend that I can call on a Saturday afternoon, while Chuck is working on his car, and just say, "Hey, let's run out and have a drink." Chuck and I don't have another couple to go places with on a Saturday night. Never, in my adult life, have I ever NOT had someone to hang out with.
And, since we don't really do anything, I have no idea how we could possibly meet other people. It's sort of like dating. I'm not about to ask for some woman's phone number in the grocery store! lol.
Most of the friends I've had in the past were easy to meet. We just clicked. Why don't I "click" with Georgians??
So, here I am.
Work, TV, bed.
Work, TV, bed.
Work, TV, bed.
Really.
Some people are perfectly happy with that. I'm not. I'm discontented. It's nothing new, though. I've always been that way. I only get to live once, and every day that I live like this is a day wasted. It's lost and I can never get it back. My friends have always understood that, and were willing to go and do fun things with me.
Not here. There's really not much to do here.
I keep thinking I should get a hobby... but they all cost money. The better/more fun it is, the more it costs. That defeats the purpose, a bit, doesn't it? I'm trying to get out of debt here. Besides, I don't have a friend to do that hobby with! Why is this so hard??
I know it frustrates Chuck when I feel like this, but it's not his fault. It's not anybody's fault. I've got choices to make...
Live here, in GA, as an adult, paying off my bills...
...or sell off everything I own and spend the next 3 months backpacking through Europe!
Go to work at the gas company every day...
...or find a job that pays me to travel the world! (I've been working on this for a long time, to no avail.)
*sigh*
Guess I'll just put my head down and go to work, just like everyone else... and pay my bills... and be responsible...
But I don't have to like it...
...and I don't have to stop reaching for the stars!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Positive Vibes
Ok, so I haven't been on here in a while. Sorry.
To be honest, I was feeling bad, because I felt like my blog was becoming a continuous bitch session. It is a good place to air out my problems and vent, but at the same time, I am sure that I come across as this "Negative Nancy" to anyone that doesn't know me.
SO, I've decided to follow in the steps of a friend, and make today a {{{Positive Vibes}}} day. I would like to take the time to discuss the positive qualities of all of the wonderful people in my life, but I'm not going to bore you all with detail like that.
Let me just mention a few people at the top of my list, and hope that the people I don't take the time to mention will know that I do still appreciate them in my life as well!
CDL - I love that you support me in everything that I do. You listen to me, and you give me feedback when I act a little crazy. You make me laugh when I get too stressed. It drives me up the wall! Thank you.
AW&MW - I appreciate you two more than you know!! You've taken me into your home not once, but twice, when I've needed it the most. I can only hope that one day I can find an appropriate way to repay you.
JAA - I thank God for every day that you have been in my life. Taking you into my heart was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. You have made me a better, more patient person, and you constantly remind me how to look at the funny side of life. I couldn't be more proud!
CNA - You are becoming more like me every day. I am so excited about that! (I'm also hoping it drives your Dad crazy!! lol) You are smart, funny, and independent. I miss you more than you will ever understand, and I love you. You are my light at the end of the tunnel.
GJM&TGM - Thank you for always being there to listen to me vent about the issues in my life, without ever overstepping any boundaries. You realize that I am a very independent, proud person, and you never tell me how you think I should live my life. You offer advice when solicited, but mostly, you just hear me out. That is all I ever really need. I am so greatful that you are my parents!
DM - There was a long time that I didn't have you in my life, and I missed you more than you will ever know. I have always considered you to be like a big sister, and I am so excited to have you as a friend again. I love that you listen to me vent about my life, and make me laugh when you vent about yours. I appreciate our phone calls, and everything else that you have done for me as well. Thank you for being a friend.
MM - The other person that I call to vent about my life. I realize that you have issues in your life that are equal to mine, but you always take the time to listen when I need it. I value all of the constructive criticism that you give, and I appreciate that you can take my criticism for what it is... Just my Opinion. You make me laugh when things look bad. Thank you for being my friend over these years!
To everyone else out there... If you were not mentioned in the above list, please don't be upset! I have such a wonderful support group that is made up of so many people! I get phone calls, text messages, e-mails, and messages on my social network... Random kind words mean so much! I have been back in contact with some "long lost" cousins, reunited with some old Navy friends, and grown closer to some people that I went to high school with. I am thankful for every part that all of you play in my life, no matter how big or small that part may be!
So, instead of complaining about the fact that my jeep broke down, again, on Saturday... I'm going to just say THANK YOU to everyone that has already heard me bitch about it, and move on!
I hope you all have a wonderful day.
To be honest, I was feeling bad, because I felt like my blog was becoming a continuous bitch session. It is a good place to air out my problems and vent, but at the same time, I am sure that I come across as this "Negative Nancy" to anyone that doesn't know me.
SO, I've decided to follow in the steps of a friend, and make today a {{{Positive Vibes}}} day. I would like to take the time to discuss the positive qualities of all of the wonderful people in my life, but I'm not going to bore you all with detail like that.
Let me just mention a few people at the top of my list, and hope that the people I don't take the time to mention will know that I do still appreciate them in my life as well!
CDL - I love that you support me in everything that I do. You listen to me, and you give me feedback when I act a little crazy. You make me laugh when I get too stressed. It drives me up the wall! Thank you.
AW&MW - I appreciate you two more than you know!! You've taken me into your home not once, but twice, when I've needed it the most. I can only hope that one day I can find an appropriate way to repay you.
JAA - I thank God for every day that you have been in my life. Taking you into my heart was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. You have made me a better, more patient person, and you constantly remind me how to look at the funny side of life. I couldn't be more proud!
CNA - You are becoming more like me every day. I am so excited about that! (I'm also hoping it drives your Dad crazy!! lol) You are smart, funny, and independent. I miss you more than you will ever understand, and I love you. You are my light at the end of the tunnel.
GJM&TGM - Thank you for always being there to listen to me vent about the issues in my life, without ever overstepping any boundaries. You realize that I am a very independent, proud person, and you never tell me how you think I should live my life. You offer advice when solicited, but mostly, you just hear me out. That is all I ever really need. I am so greatful that you are my parents!
DM - There was a long time that I didn't have you in my life, and I missed you more than you will ever know. I have always considered you to be like a big sister, and I am so excited to have you as a friend again. I love that you listen to me vent about my life, and make me laugh when you vent about yours. I appreciate our phone calls, and everything else that you have done for me as well. Thank you for being a friend.
MM - The other person that I call to vent about my life. I realize that you have issues in your life that are equal to mine, but you always take the time to listen when I need it. I value all of the constructive criticism that you give, and I appreciate that you can take my criticism for what it is... Just my Opinion. You make me laugh when things look bad. Thank you for being my friend over these years!
To everyone else out there... If you were not mentioned in the above list, please don't be upset! I have such a wonderful support group that is made up of so many people! I get phone calls, text messages, e-mails, and messages on my social network... Random kind words mean so much! I have been back in contact with some "long lost" cousins, reunited with some old Navy friends, and grown closer to some people that I went to high school with. I am thankful for every part that all of you play in my life, no matter how big or small that part may be!
So, instead of complaining about the fact that my jeep broke down, again, on Saturday... I'm going to just say THANK YOU to everyone that has already heard me bitch about it, and move on!
I hope you all have a wonderful day.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Ton of Bricks
I just got hit by that proverbial ton of bricks. I don't even know how to put this into words, so I'm going to just start typing, trying to organize my thoughts the best that I can. I apologize in advance for any rambling, because I'm sure I will.
How can someone seemingly just drop off the face of the earth, and then, three months later, just pick up the phone and call you like nothing ever happened?
As some of you may know, a guy that I worked with tried to kill himself a few months ago. I work in a small office, with only 4-7 people employed here at any given time. In a small place like this, you get to know each other really well. Although we never hung out away from work, I still thought of him as a friend. I talked to him every single day about whatever it is that was happening in our lives. He made me mad sometimes. I'm sure I made him mad sometimes, too. In the end, though, he was still my friend.
We all knew that he had family problems, but out of respect, we didn't ask any questions. We only knew whatever information that he volunteered to us. Because of his family problems, some days he would be quieter than usual and other days were good days, where he would be chatty, and joke around about stuff. He had normal moods just like the rest of us.
On "the day that it happened," he was quiet. Unfortunately, none of us really paid much attention, because as I said, he had days like that. The next day, I came into work, and found out about the whole thing.
I was shocked. I never expected him to do something like this. I was sad that he felt that suicide was his only option. I was afraid that although he survived the attempt itself, the resulting medical issues may get him in the end. I had a lot of conflicting feelings about the whole situation; feelings that I've had months to consider, talk about, analyze, and come to terms with. In the end (or what I thought was the end), I was sad that he felt this was his only option. I was relieved that he survived. I was hopeful that he would get help.
Something else that I had to deal with, were the unanswered questions. You go from seeing someone nearly daily for two years, thinking you know them, to never seeing them again. They disappeared with no explanation, no good bye. When someone dies, you have a funeral. The funeral is not for the person that died. That person is dead. What do they care? The funeral is for the family and friends that survived. It provides them with closure. It gives an opportunity to gather with other people that cared about the deceased, and talk about their effect in their lives. It brings peace of mind.
In this case, there was no peace of mind. I wanted to go and see him in the hospital, but because of his wife, I didn't do that. I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and just let him know that we care about what happens to him. I wasn't able to do that because his wife had his phone.
To make matters worse, his wife created all kinds of problems here, almost causing our boss to lose his job over something that he had nothing to do with. Our boss had no control over whether this person tried to kill himself or not. He had no control over how this person's wife acted. Yet, because of the situation, it looked bad on him, and for a few weeks there, we thought every day was going to be his last day. We were all trying to figure out "back up plans" just in case something, somewhere, that was said sometime, was taken out of context and we lost our job because of it.
So, here I am, three months later and I only think about the whole situation once every couple of days now. His name comes up sometimes, when customers ask about having something done, "Can _______ come out and check my tank?" I have to explain that he no longer works here. Or a customer will call with the same first name as him. I immediately think of him, every time I hear that first name. Little things make me think of him, and I'm caught off guard. I've gotten a lot better, though. Well enough that I wasn't aware that I was even seriously bothered by it. I'd heard he'd survived. I'd heard that he was getting help. I never expected to see or hear from him again.
Then he called.
[Phone rings]
Me: Gas Incorporated, this is Brenda.
Him: Hey, Brenda {my heart started pounding before I realized whose voice it was}, this is ___________. Is Doug around?
Me. No, he's out setting a tank right now. How are you? {feeling sick to my stomach, heart pounding, hands shaking}
Him: I'm doing a lot better. I've been in Florida for the past 45 days, getting help. I'm going through with the divorce. I'm finally getting things straightened out in my life.
I won't bother with the rest of the conversation. The point is that I don't even know what to do with that snippet of conversation, emotionally. I'm freaked out. I want to cry from relief. I want to yell at him for doing this to everyone that cares about him. I want to hug him to know that he has finally gotten the help he needs. I can't even begin the whole range of emotions. I'm in shock.
But it gets worse. He's coming here. He wanted to have lunch with my boss, just to talk, but the corporate office put a block on that. I was told that it was better that they don't see each other. So, here I am, left with some paperwork and a message for him.
I want to see him, to confirm in my own mind, that he is still alive.
I want to see him smile again.
I want to see my old friend and know in person that he will be ok.
The other part of me wants to lock the office door and leave for lunch, and pretend like we'd never even spoken.
I don't want to be the one to tell him that my boss came back, gave me the papers and message, and left again.
I don't know if I can face him. I'm not sure I have the strength to deal with this... not today, not ever.
I thought I wanted to just see him one more time, but now that I'm getting that opportunity, I want to run away screaming.
It's like being haunted.
I feel like he's a ghost.
It's not real.
How do I wrap my mind around that in the next 25 minutes in order to keep myself together when he's here?
I don't know.
How can someone seemingly just drop off the face of the earth, and then, three months later, just pick up the phone and call you like nothing ever happened?
As some of you may know, a guy that I worked with tried to kill himself a few months ago. I work in a small office, with only 4-7 people employed here at any given time. In a small place like this, you get to know each other really well. Although we never hung out away from work, I still thought of him as a friend. I talked to him every single day about whatever it is that was happening in our lives. He made me mad sometimes. I'm sure I made him mad sometimes, too. In the end, though, he was still my friend.
We all knew that he had family problems, but out of respect, we didn't ask any questions. We only knew whatever information that he volunteered to us. Because of his family problems, some days he would be quieter than usual and other days were good days, where he would be chatty, and joke around about stuff. He had normal moods just like the rest of us.
On "the day that it happened," he was quiet. Unfortunately, none of us really paid much attention, because as I said, he had days like that. The next day, I came into work, and found out about the whole thing.
I was shocked. I never expected him to do something like this. I was sad that he felt that suicide was his only option. I was afraid that although he survived the attempt itself, the resulting medical issues may get him in the end. I had a lot of conflicting feelings about the whole situation; feelings that I've had months to consider, talk about, analyze, and come to terms with. In the end (or what I thought was the end), I was sad that he felt this was his only option. I was relieved that he survived. I was hopeful that he would get help.
Something else that I had to deal with, were the unanswered questions. You go from seeing someone nearly daily for two years, thinking you know them, to never seeing them again. They disappeared with no explanation, no good bye. When someone dies, you have a funeral. The funeral is not for the person that died. That person is dead. What do they care? The funeral is for the family and friends that survived. It provides them with closure. It gives an opportunity to gather with other people that cared about the deceased, and talk about their effect in their lives. It brings peace of mind.
In this case, there was no peace of mind. I wanted to go and see him in the hospital, but because of his wife, I didn't do that. I wanted to be able to pick up the phone and just let him know that we care about what happens to him. I wasn't able to do that because his wife had his phone.
To make matters worse, his wife created all kinds of problems here, almost causing our boss to lose his job over something that he had nothing to do with. Our boss had no control over whether this person tried to kill himself or not. He had no control over how this person's wife acted. Yet, because of the situation, it looked bad on him, and for a few weeks there, we thought every day was going to be his last day. We were all trying to figure out "back up plans" just in case something, somewhere, that was said sometime, was taken out of context and we lost our job because of it.
So, here I am, three months later and I only think about the whole situation once every couple of days now. His name comes up sometimes, when customers ask about having something done, "Can _______ come out and check my tank?" I have to explain that he no longer works here. Or a customer will call with the same first name as him. I immediately think of him, every time I hear that first name. Little things make me think of him, and I'm caught off guard. I've gotten a lot better, though. Well enough that I wasn't aware that I was even seriously bothered by it. I'd heard he'd survived. I'd heard that he was getting help. I never expected to see or hear from him again.
Then he called.
[Phone rings]
Me: Gas Incorporated, this is Brenda.
Him: Hey, Brenda {my heart started pounding before I realized whose voice it was}, this is ___________. Is Doug around?
Me. No, he's out setting a tank right now. How are you? {feeling sick to my stomach, heart pounding, hands shaking}
Him: I'm doing a lot better. I've been in Florida for the past 45 days, getting help. I'm going through with the divorce. I'm finally getting things straightened out in my life.
I won't bother with the rest of the conversation. The point is that I don't even know what to do with that snippet of conversation, emotionally. I'm freaked out. I want to cry from relief. I want to yell at him for doing this to everyone that cares about him. I want to hug him to know that he has finally gotten the help he needs. I can't even begin the whole range of emotions. I'm in shock.
But it gets worse. He's coming here. He wanted to have lunch with my boss, just to talk, but the corporate office put a block on that. I was told that it was better that they don't see each other. So, here I am, left with some paperwork and a message for him.
I want to see him, to confirm in my own mind, that he is still alive.
I want to see him smile again.
I want to see my old friend and know in person that he will be ok.
The other part of me wants to lock the office door and leave for lunch, and pretend like we'd never even spoken.
I don't want to be the one to tell him that my boss came back, gave me the papers and message, and left again.
I don't know if I can face him. I'm not sure I have the strength to deal with this... not today, not ever.
I thought I wanted to just see him one more time, but now that I'm getting that opportunity, I want to run away screaming.
It's like being haunted.
I feel like he's a ghost.
It's not real.
How do I wrap my mind around that in the next 25 minutes in order to keep myself together when he's here?
I don't know.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Finding Her Chi
So, someone posted this on my social networking site, and I just had to share!
i tend to find my "chi" when i'm cooking and the bigger and more hectic the meal the better. . .lol. . .so, i love the holidays. . .and with just me and Makayla i haven't been doing a ton of it because i can't seem to cook little. . .but . . .i made breakfast after i read this and i have a wok that i always use for my fried eggs, because they come out perfect. . .and when i made hers i went to flip them and they broke apart into a perfect yin~yang. . .i thought of you and i actually laughed out loud because all i could think was. . ."hey. . thats what she's talkin' about. . .there's mine!!". . hah
Thank you, my friend, for sharing this! It made my day. :o)
i tend to find my "chi" when i'm cooking and the bigger and more hectic the meal the better. . .lol. . .so, i love the holidays. . .and with just me and Makayla i haven't been doing a ton of it because i can't seem to cook little. . .but . . .i made breakfast after i read this and i have a wok that i always use for my fried eggs, because they come out perfect. . .and when i made hers i went to flip them and they broke apart into a perfect yin~yang. . .i thought of you and i actually laughed out loud because all i could think was. . ."hey. . thats what she's talkin' about. . .there's mine!!". . hah
Thank you, my friend, for sharing this! It made my day. :o)
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Heavy Heart
As I get older, I find my lifes relates to a small stream of water working it's way through stones. It sometimes flows quickly then slowly, before picking up speed again. It usually takes the easiest path, but can wear stones down to create a better path when needed. Often, the path may change suddenly, and without warning. That doesn't stop the water from flowing. It just takes a different route. Water is resiliant. It is strong and determined... and yet, it is only water.
This is me. It would seem that although plans and ideas have been made, they can change in an instant. Sometimes it is me making the changes because I've developed a better idea or whatever, or it is some outside influence causing the changes. Either way, I hold true to the saying, "I'm a woman, therefore, I can change my mind." My stream changes abruptly and heads in a different direction.
I have something going on in my life recently, that has caused my heart to become heavy. I am at odds with the situation. I am trying to decide what it is about my personality that is making the situation difficult. Should I put a rock down to stop the two streams from flowing together? Or do I open up more and allow more of my river to join into the bigger stream?
I realize that I'm being somewhat cryptic, but I have something going on in my life that is making me sad, and yet, I feel like I have no one to talk to. So... it gets put on here. But, if the person knows who I am talking about, they may become angry about my airing out their business. So, more than anything, I feel like I need to get some feelings out.
I feel sad.
Lonely.
Overwhelmed.
Useless and Hopeless.
Dependent.
Needy.
Unsure.
Above all, I'm angry.
I'm angry at myself because I feel that some situations in my past have made it more difficult to develop the correct friendships/relationships in my present. Because of some things that I've experienced, I have closed myself off from others, making it hard to trust anyone and let them in. Sadly, it is completely unfair to the people that I care about. I just don't know how let anyone in completely.
"Never lay all your cards out on the table."
Even after I figured this out about myself, I still have no idea what to do. I expect too much of people, then get disappointed, and then use that as a reason to wall people off. So, how do I know if my expectations are reasonable and that person just doesn't fit into the realm of what I want around in my life? Do I continue as I am, hoping to hold on as long as possible, before certain people in my life stop trying to get in and just walk away? I don't know what to do. Part of me says to just "set them free" while another part of me is screaming for them not to walk out the door.
Can you see the Libra in me? There is clearly a reason our symbol is the scales.
The one thing I can say, is that I do care deeply for this person, but I don't know how to tell if that is enough.
This is me. It would seem that although plans and ideas have been made, they can change in an instant. Sometimes it is me making the changes because I've developed a better idea or whatever, or it is some outside influence causing the changes. Either way, I hold true to the saying, "I'm a woman, therefore, I can change my mind." My stream changes abruptly and heads in a different direction.
I have something going on in my life recently, that has caused my heart to become heavy. I am at odds with the situation. I am trying to decide what it is about my personality that is making the situation difficult. Should I put a rock down to stop the two streams from flowing together? Or do I open up more and allow more of my river to join into the bigger stream?
I realize that I'm being somewhat cryptic, but I have something going on in my life that is making me sad, and yet, I feel like I have no one to talk to. So... it gets put on here. But, if the person knows who I am talking about, they may become angry about my airing out their business. So, more than anything, I feel like I need to get some feelings out.
I feel sad.
Lonely.
Overwhelmed.
Useless and Hopeless.
Dependent.
Needy.
Unsure.
Above all, I'm angry.
I'm angry at myself because I feel that some situations in my past have made it more difficult to develop the correct friendships/relationships in my present. Because of some things that I've experienced, I have closed myself off from others, making it hard to trust anyone and let them in. Sadly, it is completely unfair to the people that I care about. I just don't know how let anyone in completely.
"Never lay all your cards out on the table."
Even after I figured this out about myself, I still have no idea what to do. I expect too much of people, then get disappointed, and then use that as a reason to wall people off. So, how do I know if my expectations are reasonable and that person just doesn't fit into the realm of what I want around in my life? Do I continue as I am, hoping to hold on as long as possible, before certain people in my life stop trying to get in and just walk away? I don't know what to do. Part of me says to just "set them free" while another part of me is screaming for them not to walk out the door.
Can you see the Libra in me? There is clearly a reason our symbol is the scales.
The one thing I can say, is that I do care deeply for this person, but I don't know how to tell if that is enough.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
We're Going Camping
If I were to call you and say to you, "Friend, I have 2 weeks of vacation, so Chuck and I have decided to go camping." Your response to me would probably be something about asking me where... and I would mention some local State Park that you've never heard of... We would discuss things like borrowing a cooler from someone for our food, sleeping bags, lanterns, the mosquitoes and sunscreen... you may even offer your family's favorite campfire food recipe... It would all be a lovely discussion about communing with nature, and people we care about. The conversation may eventually change course to stories about when you went camping as a kid, or maybe plans you have to take your own kids camping this summer. It is a nice pleasant conversation, and there's no reason for you to look down your nose at me for going camping for a couple of weeks. Going camping does not qualify me as having "lost my mind."
Now, allow me to adjust our phone call just slightly. Instead of a couple of weeks, I actually say a couple of months. Instead of vacation, I tell you that we are still planning to go to work every day. Instead of staying in a state park, I mention that we would be asking different friends if we could park the camper in their yard for a few nights at a time. Instead of paying rent for a home that we can't afford, I tell you that we plan to sell everything that is not sentimental to us, and to get a small storage unit for the few things we have that are worth something.
Does our conversation still end nicely? Or have you by now begun judging us? Are you still my friend, offering recipes, or are you chiding me for my life's decisions?
How about if I add yet another aspect to our rocky conversation. Perhaps I tell you that we've been consumed with unhappiness and depression for the past three years because we don't go out and spend any money on our own happiness, if there are important bills due. Maybe I could explain to you that we have actually stopped paying any bills that we don't HAVE to pay in order to pay rent and buy groceries. Finally, I continue to explain to you that we am unable to pay rent once again, and are facing the same decisions right now that caused us to leave Jacksonville... If we continue on the path we're on, we could be facing eviction in a couple of months.
Do you change your tune, and try to be more empathetic, or do you continue to berate me and tell me how I'm stupid and doing the wrong thing? Everyone has their own opinion of things that they can tolerate. Perhaps living in a pop-up camper for a few months is not an option for you. For me, it's no big deal because I'm not afraid of "roughing it."
To me, living in a camper is an opportunity to take my life back. Maybe I should explain to you how we have been living. Maybe I should I tell you that we are literally in the situation that if we are invited to a party, we could not go because we can not afford the gas it takes to get across town. What if I tell you that when we leave work on Friday afternoon, we go home and literally do not leave my house most weekends for fear of spending any money on gas, or God forbid, the dollar menu at some fast-food chain. If we were to do that, it would cause the rent check to bounce because there is literally NO cushion in there for things like that.
Do you still judge me? Or do you think I am exaggerating? Do you think this is a plea for attention? If you answer yes to any of these things, then perhaps I should think twice before calling you and discussing my life with you. Chuck and I are doing what we feel is going to HELP OURSELVES get out of the situation we are in. I'm sorry you don't approve. As the saying goes... "If you're not for me, you're against me." All I ever needed was support and encouragement. Someone to answer the phone and listen to me when I vent. I do not need someone telling me how stupid I am.
Now, allow me to adjust our phone call just slightly. Instead of a couple of weeks, I actually say a couple of months. Instead of vacation, I tell you that we are still planning to go to work every day. Instead of staying in a state park, I mention that we would be asking different friends if we could park the camper in their yard for a few nights at a time. Instead of paying rent for a home that we can't afford, I tell you that we plan to sell everything that is not sentimental to us, and to get a small storage unit for the few things we have that are worth something.
Does our conversation still end nicely? Or have you by now begun judging us? Are you still my friend, offering recipes, or are you chiding me for my life's decisions?
How about if I add yet another aspect to our rocky conversation. Perhaps I tell you that we've been consumed with unhappiness and depression for the past three years because we don't go out and spend any money on our own happiness, if there are important bills due. Maybe I could explain to you that we have actually stopped paying any bills that we don't HAVE to pay in order to pay rent and buy groceries. Finally, I continue to explain to you that we am unable to pay rent once again, and are facing the same decisions right now that caused us to leave Jacksonville... If we continue on the path we're on, we could be facing eviction in a couple of months.
Do you change your tune, and try to be more empathetic, or do you continue to berate me and tell me how I'm stupid and doing the wrong thing? Everyone has their own opinion of things that they can tolerate. Perhaps living in a pop-up camper for a few months is not an option for you. For me, it's no big deal because I'm not afraid of "roughing it."
To me, living in a camper is an opportunity to take my life back. Maybe I should explain to you how we have been living. Maybe I should I tell you that we are literally in the situation that if we are invited to a party, we could not go because we can not afford the gas it takes to get across town. What if I tell you that when we leave work on Friday afternoon, we go home and literally do not leave my house most weekends for fear of spending any money on gas, or God forbid, the dollar menu at some fast-food chain. If we were to do that, it would cause the rent check to bounce because there is literally NO cushion in there for things like that.
Do you still judge me? Or do you think I am exaggerating? Do you think this is a plea for attention? If you answer yes to any of these things, then perhaps I should think twice before calling you and discussing my life with you. Chuck and I are doing what we feel is going to HELP OURSELVES get out of the situation we are in. I'm sorry you don't approve. As the saying goes... "If you're not for me, you're against me." All I ever needed was support and encouragement. Someone to answer the phone and listen to me when I vent. I do not need someone telling me how stupid I am.
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