Describe Yourself With One Word, Part 2

Me: I'm gonna write a blog on personalities. I have homework for you. If you could choose one word to describe yourself, what would it be, and why?

Her: I really don't know. I think strong or tough would be good. So many words come to mind... Loving. Everything I do in my life is for [her child]. I give up so much for love.

Me: Yes you do. You are an amazing mom! You are also a kind, giving, and loving friend! You bring out the best in me... I love that about you!

At the risk of spilling too much personal information about my friend, she is a wonderful mom, but carries some guilt about the fact that she's not always able to do everything for her child that she thinks she needs to do. I have seen her in action, and she does just as well as any of the rest of us! As parents, we all learn as we go. None of us dove into parenthood knowing all of the right answers! She is doing well, and her kiddo is beautiful, smart, and well taken care of.

So, from the psychological point of view that we discussed yesterday... I question if perhaps her subconscious mind was somehow trying to convince and reassure herself (or me) of her parenting skills. I already think she's a great Mom, but she questions herself. So, the one-word answer could have covered how she acts towards her friends, her parents, her siblings, her roommate, etc., but when asked to define how she is loving, the answer went down to her child. I found that interesting.

Was it a parental knee-jerk response, or was it something else?

If I were to describe my friend with one word, I would choose "Worldly." She was begging me to tell her what the word was, but I refused because the word by itself may sound negative. I don't mean it in a bad way at all! In fact, I mean it as she has done a lot of things, been a lot of places, gone through a lot of really difficult issues... is 5 years younger than I am... and still manages to be a very caring, loving person. She gives people a chance, but she is no fool. She is nearly as perceptive as the person I talked about yesterday, but manages to keep her opinions to herself. She's "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, then sold it in a yard sale!" Yet she still cares and tries to let people in.

I think it is interesting that two very different people can each have a lifetime of difficulties, and yet walk away with completely different attitudes. I am guarded and constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. She is the very opposite! She cares, she opens herself up, and she loves until that person proves her wrong.

I can't help but wonder if these differences have anything to do with birth order. If you Google that sort of thing, there are varied opinions on the subject. Some scientists claim that birth order can help shape an individuals' personality. I tend to think that it does make some sort of a difference. Below, I've pasted some snippets from an article I found on the subject...


Personality Traits Linked to Birth Order

- Clearly, firstborns are natural leaders. They also tend to be reliable, conscientious and perfectionists who don't like surprises. Although, firstborns are typically aggressive, many are also compliant people pleasers. They are model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge.

- Middle children may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, they are independent and inventive.

- Babies of the family are social and outgoing, they are the most financially irresponsible of all birth orders. They just want to have a good time. These kids love the limelight. While lastborns may be charming, they also have the potential to be manipulative.

With all of that being said, I'll use myself as the example first. I was the baby in my household, and I was a pain as a teenager, always getting into trouble. I am very social and I do love to have fun. I enjoy being in the limelight with my friends, but not around strangers. I have serious stage fright! Finally, I disagree about being financially irresponsible. I have a lot of bills from my divorce, and everything gets paid immediately after payday, before any money is spent on "fun stuff."

Now, my friend is more complicated. She was born as the oldest/only child, but then later became a middle child through remarriage. So, I believe she has a slight combination of both personalities... As the oldest child, she is reliable and slightly OCD about her stuff, and I believe she might have a tendancy to want approval from some of the other people in her life. As a middle child, she has very close relationships with her friends, and she does try to remain the peacemaker whenever possible.

In retrospect, I would have to say that her word, "Loving," is the most suitable for her. I believe she hit the nail on the head with that one. She has just as many reasons as anyone to be bitter or negative about life... and yet she prevails and her smile and amazing sense of humor just shine through instead. Perhaps she could teach me a lesson or two in opening up and letting people in!

Describe Yourself With One Word

I have a wonderful uncle that has his Doctorate in Psychology... When I was going to college, I discussed with him my choices in majors and so on. I finally settled on a minor in Psychology because people in general fascinate me. I was itching to learn more about what made them "tick."

Towards the end of our conversation, he says to me,

"Those that are the most interested in psychology are the

ones that need it the most."

Well, I can't argue with that logic... he may be on to something there...!!!

So, I was talking to a friend today, and we were discussing some things that are currently going on in my life. My response was that it was no big deal; I am a resilient person. His first language is not English, so he asked me to explain:

re·sil·ient adj.

1. Marked by the ability to recover readily, as from misfortune.

2. Capable of returning to an original shape or position, as after having been compressed.

As our conversation continued, I got to thinking about that word. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that if I needed to pick just one word to describe myself, that had to be it. I could choose something like "survivor," but it’s so cliché. Besides, I don't feel that really fits all of me, the way resilient does.

I've had some difficult things happen (as we all have), and I always make it through, no matter what. This is what has made me who I am today... stubborn, guarded, but strong and still having hope in my future. I will not be broken. At the end of the day, I can turn my face to the sun, kick off my shoes and still honestly say, "Life is indeed good."

So, I asked my friend what word he would use to describe himself. He said, "Alive." He said that he is not only enjoying his life, but he learns from everything that has happened around him. "Living is my school and being alive is my pleasure."

I liked that description because he is the type to "enjoy the moment." That is one of my favorite things about him! Then he asked what I would have chosen for him. I responded with Perceptive or Insightful. This is what gets him through life!

If I were to compare our personalities, I would say that his perception is what helps him. He has an idea of how people will react before they do. He is very good at reading personalities. If we were playing football, he would be on the offensive team, while my resilience puts me on the defensive team. I don't have the same instinct. Instead, I block, and then pick up the pieces after things don't go according to my plan.

We are both thinkers and planners, but in different ways. Because of our different outlooks, he might only need a "Plan B," but because of my own life's experiences, I would have "Plans B, C, and D." We both have the ability to look to the future and see what we want, and develop a plan for a specific outcome, but we do it in very different ways.

Now, this is where the psychology part came in. After that conversation, my gears were still turning (big surprise!), so I asked the same question to several other friends. One of the things that I came up with was that I feel that the word the person uses to describe them self tells you how they see themselves, but it also says a lot about how they want others to see them.

For example, people that know me well, know that I can be soft and mushy on the inside, but I very rarely let it show. I have to let my guard down, and I feel like I'm exposing my inner workings to the world. That is something that I am unbelievably uncomfortable with! I don't even hug people unless I really know them! I have my "bubble" and very few people are allowed in it. I am not ashamed to admit that I have walls... but they are there because of some things that have happened in my past. Sometimes things don't go as expected in life, and after a lifetime of this, I eventually realized that the alternative isn't always a bad thing. It's taught me a lot and I wouldn't be right here right now if things had not gone the way they did!

So, my word... Resilient... means exactly what it means... I feel that it describes me very well. I've gotten through things that were a very big deal to me, and I am a stronger, wiser person because of it. I also feel that I chose that word as a means of portraying my "ability to overcome" to the listener. I want people to portray me as a strong person... maybe because on the inside, I question my own strength on a regular basis. If the rest of the world views me one way, it supports me when I am feeling less inclined to see it in myself.

So, all of this begs the final question... What made my friend choose the word "Alive" for his own self assessment? From my angle, he is more of a planner than a live-in-the-moment type. He never begins anything without having an idea of possible outcomes. I have another friend (that I will talk about on a different day) that I believe is more suited to the "Alive" description than this person is. So, in saying that to me, was he trying to either consciously or subconsciously portray a message? Trying to force me into believing he is more lighthearted and carefree than how I viewed him before? I don't have the answers, but I do think that there is more to it than just what we see at face value.

25 Random Things About Me...

**Because I have some free time, 25 random things you never really cared to know about me... **

1.  Outside of my kids, my dog (Dee Oh Jee) & my Jeep (Rita Wrangler) are my two most prized possessions.
2.  My favorite candy would have to be Skittles.
3.  I can still recite the 50 states in alphabetical order, after learning them in a song in elementary school.
4.  I have figured out that I am perfectly happy being single, and am in no big rush to begin yet another relationship.
5.  I have a fear that people will tire of me, (either visiting or in a relationship) so I tend to "understay" my welcome because I'm so afraid of becoming a burden or annoying. 
6.  I have, somehow, managed to never break a single bone in my body (knock on wood).
7.  I am a 5-year breast cancer survivor... 4 surgeries, a year of chemo, and 8 weeks of radiation...
8.  I figured out years ago that I don't have any natural talents in anything. I am a completely average person (I'm ok with it!!) and what I do manage to accomplish well is done after much practice and struggle. I believe I appreciate my own accomplishments more because of it.
9.  I have a constant need to prove things to myself... I want to be in the Tough Mudder race simply to prove to myself that I can do it!
10.  My taste in music is pretty random, from classical rock, to 80s & 90s, to jam bands (thanks, Chuck) to country, to Top 40.
11.  I dress up for Halloween every year no matter what... it's my favorite holiday.
12.  I am a night person... I do not do mornings if at all possible... ever.
13.  I know how to knock down and rebuild walls, drywall, lay tile, pour cement, replace windows & doors, minor plumbing & electrical work, and several other remodeling things... and if I haven't done something before, I have no problem with googling instructions and teaching myself!
14.  I have had more jobs than I can count... everything from bartending & retail, to fueling airplanes, to office management.
15.  I love spicy food. (The saying is, "There's hot, and then there's Brenda-Hot"). My absolute favorite food is Taco Soup... I love it so spicy that mere mortals break into a sweat when they enter the room.
16.  I will occasionally watch a movie, but I pretty much never sit down to watch television. I am far too busy for it.
17.  Books are important to me, and I currently live less than a mile from the local library... I love that. I also love that both of my kids are also readers.
18.  I am the baby of the family, and I exude the syndrome (pay attention to me!!!). My friends know and understand this (and cooperate accordingly).
19.  I'm constantly grateful for the number of people in my life to which I can openly say, "I love you." I'm very lucky to be surrounded by such awesomeness.
20.  If I could sell off everything I own and move anywhere in the world, it would be either Italy or Southern Spain... If I had to stay in the US, I'm leaning towards Pittsburgh. I love that place.
21.  I'm a Libra, so I have a really bad problem with thinking, rethinking, and thinking again about things. I examine every angle, consider everyone's opinion, and then begin the process all over again... I even annoy myself with it.
22.  I'm assuming that my greatest physical asset is probably my smile (aka, dimples)... that is what I'm complimented on the most often... Personally, though, I think I have cute feet! lol.
23.  My greatest desire is to find a way to support myself while still being able to travel all over the world and try new things/meet new people/discover new cultures.
24.  I'm one of the strongest people I know, which can get me into trouble.  I am usually so hell-bent on being strong that I don't have enough sense to actually ask for help when it is needed.
25.  I'm constantly trying to find (and hold onto) my own inner peace & happiness. I make a conscious effort to find the positive in something, especially if it seems like a negative situation.

Adventurer Extraordinaire

After some thinking, it has recently occurred to me that I am not the same person that I used to be. I feel like I'm all rolled up into myself. I used to be spread out; giving and sharing, and now I'm small and afraid. My core, my inner being, is different.

I used to be strong, bold, outgoing, brave... I didn't flinch... I didn't think twice about going on an adventure!! My Mom once told me that one of the things she admired about me was that I was willing to just pack up go anywhere. I loved going to new places, and never had any qualms about moving anywhere, even if I had to go alone. I'd always figured that I would just make new friends once I got there!

What has happened to me? Was it age? Being a mother? Was it divorce? Was it cancer? Was it just the slow erosion of life, wearing away at my candy coating? Whatever it was, I'm not happy about it being gone. I'm suddenly thinking that instead of creating caution and fear in me, why didn't the fact that I overcame these things instill more boldness and fearlessness in me? Isn't that how it should have worked? Who's to say why I have reacted the way that I have?

I joined the US Navy when I was 17 and turned 18 in boot camp... WHAT AN ADVENTURE!

That wasn't enough, though. When I was in Parachute Rigger School, a set of orders came up to send the very first female parachute rigger to a sea-going command... in essence, the first woman on a navy carrier... I wanted it. I wanted it bad! I didn't even think it through before my hand was in the air, and I was begging: "Pick me, pick me!!" Who WAS that girl? I miss her. Her name is in a history book somewhere. She was interview by Katie Couric for her role in the US's military history. She was amazing, and funny, and always plowed in head first.

After some time, I met the man that was to become my husband. Again, I just dove in. He had a little girl, and I jumped in with both feet, at the age of 19, and adopted a 3 year old. Being her step-mom wasn't good enough for me. Her biological mother had some things going on her life, so Ashleigh was going to be MINE, and I'll be damned, she still is. She has grown into a beautiful, amazing young lady. I couldn't be more proud.

In retrospect, I married too young, but it's not something I could regret! How could I? I have two amazing daughters from that marriage.

Our family had the opportunity to move to Europe... Rota, Spain. My first reaction? YES! I didn't even hesitate. When do we leave? I was so excited to face this new adventure with the people that I loved the most. It wasn't easy to sell the house that I loved. It wasn't easy saying goodbye to the people we loved here in the states. It wasn't easy living over there, and in the long run, it was the beginning of the end of our marriage... But again, I couldn't regret it! I have wonderful friends, wonderful memories from living over there! My children have memories and friends from it! Why would I regret any of those choices?

When the time was up, we all moved back to the states, and got a new house. We lived in Florida for a year before Cancer struck. But, again, being the person that I am, I faced it head on... I CAN DO THIS!! Dying was never an option that even crossed my mind. I got the phone call, then called my mother and husband, and then went shopping, just as I had planned to spend my day before I received that phone call. That little 6-letter word wasn't going to ruin that day or any day after, as far as I was concerned!

In the long run, it was the downfall of an already failing marriage, but I learned a few things. I think I would have just kept dangling on forever in that unhappy marriage if I had never had to face something harder. I firmly believe that God only sends us what we can handle, and everything happens for a reason. It also taught me how to really love something more than myself.

The day that I left my ex-husband was one of the hardest days of my life... much harder than cancer ever was for me. It wasn't hard because of leaving him. We'd fought for so long, and so hard, and so loudly, that leaving was like finally being at peace. The difficult decision was leaving my girls.

Some things should really just kill you.

I didn't want to leave them, but I had no choice. I was trying to love them more than myself, and I knew that if I really did care about them, then they should stay in the home that they knew, around the friends that they already had. Divorce was difficult enough, without being pulled up by your roots and yanked around by your mother, who herself was lost at the time. Still, to this day, I don't know if I made the right decision. But, I tried to do the right thing by them... Only to be judged for it over and over again during the past three years. My consolation? The people judging me don't know the whole story, and they have probably never had to face the same decision I had to make that day.

Regardless, I do believe that was the beginning of my slow demise. I had always known my place in the world... I was always at the front of the line. The first to try something new, while others followed me! Once I gave my girls to my ex husband, I think I rolled myself up into a cocoon and have just been dwelling day by day without any purpose in my life.

I am about to embark on a new journey, which is entirely in keeping with my character. The problem is that I haven't got the enthusiasm that all of my other journeys began with. I see the reason for the journey. I see where it will take me. I have considered the hardships that will be involved. Like a good little Libra, I've weighed all the pros and cons (which is something I never did when I was younger) and yet I'm still not excited.

Something is missing.

Everything is bland. Beige. Neutral.

This bothers me.

I do believe that at the tender age of 35, I've finally lost my zest and enthusiasm for life.

What do I do now? Come to terms with it? I'm not ok with that option. But how do I get it back? I definitely need to sit down and figure this one out before I move along much further.

My brain keeps thinking around and around in circles. I have some theories. Of course, I’ll have to think them through several more times before I decide to share those theories. I’m worried that if I make the changes that might be necessary, then some of the people that I care about will be deeply affected. Am I ready to do that? Not yet.

As a Libra, I’m also a problem-solver. Maybe I can figure out a way to find my old (younger) self again, while still holding on to the things in my life that I want the most. Can I really have it all? I’m sure experts agree that you can’t … but those experts never met me!

12-Step Program

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he asked me how life was going lately. I made the offhand remark of, "One day at a time."

He laughed in agreement, and said, "Life is like an AA meeting. You can only take one step at a time."

His comment got me to thinking about how there are steps for everything, and I began to wonder what steps I could take to improve my own life. Of course, when you google anything about taking steps, the first things you will find are The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, The 7 Stages of Grief, and Amazon.com selling any book & workbook ever created about self-improvement, step-by-step.

But, since I have very shallow pockets (and refuse to spend money on a self-improvement book), then I continued to dig deeper, and see what kind of free help I could find. Here's one that seemed interesting:

Life Coaching: Achieve Any goal With This 3-Step Process
1. Make sure you want it.
2. Make sure you know why you want it.
3. Make sure those closest to you know why you want it.

These seem like three very obvious steps, and I understand that the idea behind the questions is to get me really thinking about my own life (as if I need a list of questions to get me to do that!!). Maybe I haven't actually sat down and addressed each answer head-on in this way. Perhaps, if I consider each of these steps, I might have a more definitive idea of which direction my life is going.

*side note* Perhaps I should compile my own list and sell that through Amazon.com... that would solve a LOT of my problems!

Ok. Filing that one for future reference.

I did find something that may be imediately helpful... The situation that I find myself in lately has had me feeling down, and I'm not a huge fan of anti-depression medication. I've been on it before, and it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life, so I prefer alternative measures, but I've been neglecting myself lately. It's time I stopped doing that... so...

6 Steps for Beating Depression 

1. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - eat more fish (take a vitamin)

2. Engaged Activity - have conversations with people; keep the brain active (I'm alone in my office most of the day, and sit at the computer/watch TV at night)

3. Physical Exercise - start walking/running again

4. Sunlight Exposure - I do need more sunshine

5. Social Support - get in touch with friends and family more often (dial the phone!!)

6. Sleep - get plenty of rest (this one, I already do!)

Well, after all that research, I've decided to start my self-improvement with the 6 Steps for Beating Depression, but I'm also going to really address the questions under the 3-step process of Achieving Any Goal.... I already spend a lot of time thinking about my life, but I think it may help if I put it into a more organized perspective. It won't fix my problems, but maybe it will help me tackle them more easily. More to come!