Being a Mom is Complicated

You see people all the time, commending men when they take on any kind of out-of-the-norm parenting role. Single dad, raising step-kids, winning custody of their children in a divorce, etc. But when do the moms get some sort of credit? Why isn't that stuff just expected of dads, like it is moms?

Here's the thing. I adopted my step daughter when she was 3. I was 19 and took on someone else's child, still being just a child myself. I also have a biological daughter as well. I gave custody of them to my husband in our divorce. I did not fight for them, and only got to see them every other weekend. On the surface, that makes me look like a bad mom. I am uncaring... a terrible mother! But ask me about it. I gave up my kids because he had the house. He had the money and the means. He had his health. I gave them up for many of the same reasons that dads do it. I felt that it was the best thing for these two little people that I cared so much about!

When we split, I figured that the divorce would be hard enough on my kids without removing them from their home, their school, their friends. I didn't know where I was going to stay, and in fact, lived out of my vehicle for a couple of weeks! Was I supposed to bring my children into that? In addition, I was still undergoing chemo and radiation therapies for cancer. Who would care for my children when it took all I had to care for myself?

I have been called so many things: survivor, courageous, strong...  because I made it through cancer. But what should have killed me, was giving up my daughters! I cried myself to sleep every night for nearly a year. My chest hurt... I could feel actual pain... like someone was ripping out my heart with their bare hands. I worried about who was reading them bedtime stories, packing their lunches, making sure they brushed their teeth and got to bed on time... It was labor to even breathe without them most days! But I did it. They had everything that they needed. Things that I could never have provided for them. As much as it hurt, I know I did the right thing.

Now, 8 years later, both of my girls are thriving, intelligent, beautiful young ladies that I couldn't be more proud of! I pray that they can understand why I did what I did someday, and aren't too angry at me for the choices that I made.

They just need to know that they are loved.

Describe Yourself With One Word, Summary

After talking to my friends for this miniseries of blogs, and hearing how they would describe themselves to me, I've learned a couple of things.

1. How a person views them self is not always how others may see them.
2. Asking a person to explain why they see them self in that light can give you more insight on their personality.
3. Finally, the listener, if they pay attention, can learn something about themselves as well.

How we act, react, and interact with other people has a lot to do with both personalities. Let me give an example. Many of my friends will say that I am an outgoing, confident person. On the other hand, some will tell you that I am reserved. Why two different answers? I'm still the same person! It may have to do with how well the person actually knows me... but I think that mostly, it has to do a lot with their own personality. Some people in my life, I am outgoing and confident around, while I can be very reserved around others. The people I'm confident around make feel comfortable with being myself. I don't feel like they will criticize or judge me, so I can be whomever I want. Other people, maybe they don't judge me specifically, but they have a more conservative nature about themselves, causing me to react by being more reserved around them. We feed off of each other's personalities.

One of the people that I talked about in this series is always trying to get me to open up... "Use your words," he says to me. As I've said before, I am a very guarded person, and he sees that. He intentionally forces me out of my comfort zone. Sometimes it works, and I'll talk... sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I just clam up and it's the end of the conversation! Why is he able to force himself past my walls at all? I've known some people for years, and they have never learned as much about me as he has in just a few months. Mostly, I feel that he is aware of my walls and intentionally tries to knock them down. Most people hit a dead end that I have created, and revert back to small talk. They don't care enough to get to know what is really me. I guess they figure that if I'm not willing to just lay it out there and give them the story of my life, then they're not going to work for it. I see it the other way around. If they aren’t willing to try to get to know me, they I don’t care to share with them anyways.

As much as one person has had to work to get to know me, someone comes along very rarely, and I immediately trust them. They don't have to push for information... it flows freely! We can laugh, talk, share, and I feel completely at ease. What is it about that person that I trust wholeheartedly, immediately? I don't think my feelings are going to get hurt. I don't feel like all of my secrets are going to be given to someone else. I feel perfectly comfortable being myself, no matter what my mood is that day. I love that! Likewise, no matter what she says or does, I feel no need to criticize or think less of her. I think she is great… why would I want to change that? Our personalities mesh very well together.

Sometimes, I find that there are people that do want to know more about me. They try hard to get over, under, around and even through my walls. For some reason, however, the harder they try, the more guarded I become. It’s almost like my subconscious mind is telling me that they are not someone that I should be opening up to. I have someone in my life like that right now. He is a great person, but for someone reason, the harder he pulls, the harder I feel myself pulling back. I can’t exactly put my finger on why. This is just my natural reaction to his personality.

At a point in my life, not that long ago, I had stated that “Relationships make me feel like I am suffocating.” After some self assessment, I’ve figured out that it’s really not so much relationships that do it… and it’s not the person that I’m in a relationship with… it’s me. As I explained earlier, it is how I react and interact with the person that I’m paired with. We feed off of and react to other people’s personalities.

In addition to that, something inside of me is so afraid of rejection that I am willing to just forget about what I like and don’t like, and everything I do is about the other person’s wants and needs. I over-compromise to the point of my unhappiness, which leads to theirs as well.

For instance, if that person is more introverted than I am, and we go to a party, I feel bad if I walk around the room introducing myself to strangers because they may see it as flirting, or as me leaving them out. But, being the introvert that they are, they don’t want to just randomly meet strangers and talk to them! So, in my mind, I’m suffocating because now I’m just standing at a party, talking to the only three people there that I know. That is not fun to me... but worse, I won’t say a word to them about my unhappiness.

I tend to lose a sense of who I am… I completely engross myself in the relationship. Riding in the car, we will listen to what he likes to… at the time, it seems like it’s just something minor, but after years of listening to his music, I can’t even remember what kind I like any more! When choosing a place to eat, my reaction is usually to the tune of, “I don’t care, just pick a place.” What if I hate the food there? I’m so busy compromising, trying to make the relationship work that in the long run, I am compromising myself!

So, I had to step back from my last relationship. I needed to figure out myself. These are some things that I’ve learned about myself… even though I am guarded and sometimes moody; I am also funny, outgoing, and very social. I like older rock and roll more than any other kind of music. Reading books is my hobby, and I’m perfectly ok with being a little nerdy about it. I love sushi, pasta and taco soup. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, whether it is going to a bar, chilling at the house, or going to the pool. My friends are very important to me! I like running on cool mornings to clear my head, and I do not like spending my time watching television. As much as I love my friends, I get in moods sometimes when I want to be left alone.  

Above all, I have learned that whether I am in a relationship or not, I need to set boundaries for myself. I will still react off of other people’s personalities… I think that’s how we all get along. But, I can no longer compromise my happiness and self worth because of my fear of rejection. In the long run, I would be unhappy anyways, because of losing my sense of self.

I like who I am. I think I’ll keep it that way.

Say Something Nice

Apparently, I have a lot on my mind today. I don't post anything for two weeks, and here I am for the second time in one day...

So here's what's been on my mind.

As many of you know, my ex and I have a VERY strained relationship, to say the least. We can't agree on anything at all. It's a very ugly mess... to the point that we refuse to discuss anything on the phone anymore. It all has to be either via text or e-mail. I left him because I was tired of arguing, and now refuse to do any more of that with him.

Well, because of our strained relationship, every time I request even the simplest thing from him regarding our children, I am almost always running into a brick wall. Compromise isn't even an option. It's incredibly frustrating, and I still can't wrap my head around his hatefulness, even after four years.

Dealing with this situation in such a way for so long has put me into the mindset of absolute dread any time I need to work something out with him.

So, he left on deployment last week with the military, leaving our younger daughter with his current wife. I completely disagree with the situation. Not because she isn't good for the job, but because Carley should be with ME. Someone else should not be raising her when her own mother is willing and able to do it.

Regardless, I really haven't had any issues with this woman, but because I have had so many difficult situations regarding anything with my children ever since the divorce, I just naturally assumed that she would be difficult to deal with as well. Almost like Tim had intentionally "coached" her on how to react to any type of request coming from me. None of this is true... It's just an example of where my head is in all of this.

So, I had to send her a text yesterday, regarding changing the dates on when I can pick up and drop off Carley during the holidays. We were texting along, and then when it was time to get either a "yes" or "no" answer, she just stopped.

Sadly, I reacted badly.
Not one of my better moments, but at least I didn't blast her with some ugly text!
I just had ugly thoughts.

I just assumed that she was acting like Tim. He would make me dwell on it for a while, waiting a week or more to acknowledge my request, and then give me a "No" along with twisting it into a list of things that makes me so selfish for even asking in the first place, and about how I am the one that refuses to compromise on anything... and so on.

Because my brain has been hard-wired to reacting to this type of thing for the past several years, my mind automatically went into the negative when she didn't reply right away. Eventually, later on in the day, she agreed to my request without being difficult or snotty, or anything! She simply stated that she had gotten busy at work, and wasn't able to reply right away.

I was so relieved that I literally felt guilty for having the negative thoughts.

I don't think her and I will ever become "friends," but I've said it before... I do think that if I am not allowed to look after my daughter, I believe she is good for the job. Hopefully, she will be able to see Carley's best interest in things, which is what is actually important.

Finding Myself

Have you ever just stopped everything and looked around?

I don't mean that you look at the things inside the room that you're in. I mean, actually take inventory of your life. Sometimes, you just have to consider what is happening, and make any necessary adjustments. "Tweak" your situation, if you will.

Recently, I've come to one of those places in my life. I've had a problem with being "happy" lately. I refuse to consider that I might be depressed, and I do not want to go on any medication for this. That was how I dealt with my life when I was married. I'm done with that approach.

So, I've decided to make changes, and FIND my happiness....

I started this blog, because I was moving out of the traditional home, rent, utilities, etc. lifestyle, and working to catch up on the bills in my life. This all seemed like a good idea, had I been able to do things my way. The problem is that when you're in a relationship, you make compromises with the one you love. He did not want to live in a tent... so we ended up living with his sister. I'm unhappy about this situation, because now we're not paying bills, and she has more. How is that right? So, I tried it for about 2 1/2 months, and it still is not sitting well with me.

I'm moving out.

Chuck and I moved in together shortly after we had met, because we were able to financially support each other. We both acknowledged that it was way too early in our relationship for such a move... however, it turned out great for us! We get along wonderfully, and we're the best of friends. Four years later, we still laugh at the same stuff, enjoy the same movies, and so on....

*But*

When we met, it was right after both of us got out of long-term relationships... and we never got our "me" time before moving in with each other. I need that time. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say that he probably does, too.

Now, nobody panic... Chuck and I are NOT breaking up. If anything, my planning this move has made us even closer, because I've discussed my feelings and thoughts with him, and he understands where I am coming from. How could I not love him for being so kind and understanding… and SUPPORTIVE!

So, Ashleigh and I are moving into an apartment together, and Chuck and I will “date” like we should have to start with. It’s going to be really tough, with my paying child support and Ash not having a hugely well-paying job… but we can do this. Besides, I know that if I ever really do need help, I can ask for it. I have a lot of friends that are willing to be there for me.

So, it’s not the adventure that I wanted when I started writing this blog, but it is a new chapter in my life. I will be going back to “Minimum Payment Hell” but maybe it will give me the opportunity to sit back and remember who Brenda is... And then, when Chuck and I do decide to move back in with each other, it won’t be for financial reasons, and our relationship can be stronger because we’re both happy with ourselves first.

Heavy Heart

As I get older, I find my lifes relates to a small stream of water working it's way through stones. It sometimes flows quickly then slowly, before picking up speed again. It usually takes the easiest path, but can wear stones down to create a better path when needed. Often, the path may change suddenly, and without warning. That doesn't stop the water from flowing. It just takes a different route. Water is resiliant. It is strong and determined... and yet, it is only water.

This is me. It would seem that although plans and ideas have been made, they can change in an instant. Sometimes it is me making the changes because I've developed a better idea or whatever, or it is some outside influence causing the changes. Either way, I hold true to the saying, "I'm a woman, therefore, I can change my mind." My stream changes abruptly and heads in a different direction.

I have something going on in my life recently, that has caused my heart to become heavy. I am at odds with the situation. I am trying to decide what it is about my personality that is making the situation difficult. Should I put a rock down to stop the two streams from flowing together? Or do I open up more and allow more of my river to join into the bigger stream?

I realize that I'm being somewhat cryptic, but I have something going on in my life that is making me sad, and yet, I feel like I have no one to talk to. So... it gets put on here. But, if the person knows who I am talking about, they may become angry about my airing out their business. So, more than anything, I feel like I need to get some feelings out.

I feel sad.
Lonely.
Overwhelmed.
Useless and Hopeless.
Dependent.
Needy.
Unsure.

Above all, I'm angry.

I'm angry at myself because I feel that some situations in my past have made it more difficult to develop the correct friendships/relationships in my present. Because of some things that I've experienced, I have closed myself off from others, making it hard to trust anyone and let them in. Sadly, it is completely unfair to the people that I care about. I just don't know how let anyone in completely.

"Never lay all your cards out on the table."

Even after I figured this out about myself, I still have no idea what to do. I expect too much of people, then get disappointed, and then use that as a reason to wall people off. So, how do I know if my expectations are reasonable and that person just doesn't fit into the realm of what I want around in my life? Do I continue as I am, hoping to hold on as long as possible, before certain people in my life stop trying to get in and just walk away? I don't know what to do. Part of me says to just "set them free" while another part of me is screaming for them not to walk out the door.

Can you see the Libra in me? There is clearly a reason our symbol is the scales.

The one thing I can say, is that I do care deeply for this person, but I don't know how to tell if that is enough.