Dogs and Stress

Let's get down to brass tacks here. Truth be told, I merely tolerate most people on my very best days. Somehow, my dog has always calmed me and helped me to be at least more patient, if not friendly.

Without him, I am a jerk.

Since he passed last week, I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with life's little tasks. I had no idea how much Dee Oh Jee really did reduce my stress levels.

I am a normally high stress/worrier anyways. I stress over money, my kids, what my boyfriend thinks of me, work, cleaning the house, why friends don't call, that weird mole on my back... You name it.

I am a Libra, which means I have the capacity to think something to death, then start over and think about it again. Once a negative thought pops into my head, no matter how warranted it may or may not be, I can't unthink it. Sometimes I think I'm crazy because I can't get thoughts out of my head. It's hard to let go.

Knowing this, I try really hard to just get past it and not say a word about it to anyone. No point in starting some crazy situation over some trick my brain is playing.

Since the loss of my pet, however, I have found the negative thoughts getting louder and more frequent. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and am hurting people that I care about over stupid tricks that my mind is playing. I can't seem to control it.

So, you may ask... why not just get another dog? Problem solved, right?

Because I don't want another dog. My last one was irreplaceable. He understood me. We had a long history. Cancer, my divorce, depression, moving over state lines, camping & hiking, car rides....

Any other animal would be just that. Something else. Can you just replace a friend with another person? Of course not. Same with dogs.

Somehow, I am going to have to learn to deal with life on my own. I need to figure out this whole tolerance thing without his help. I haven't got a plan for that yet. Meanwhile, I may need to duct tape my mouth shut in public, and lock me in the bathroom like a bad pet while at home.

The worst part... other than this blog, I have no one to talk to. To everyone else in the world, it was "just a dog," so they think I should be ok by now. People close to me just expect me to resume life as usual. My boyfriend is tired of hearing about it. He hasn't said as much, but you know how people act.

So here I am. In my hateful little bubble with a black cloud floating over my head. Alone. Without my best friend. Heartbroken and angry....

RIP Dee Oh Jee

I had to put my beautiful dog to sleep the other night. He had cancer, and he was at the point where they couldn't save him.

I am heartbroken. I'm learning how nearly every aspect of my day at the house revolved around him. Getting out of bed to let him out in the mornings, I am careful of where I step, so I don't step on him.... and then realize he is no longer there.
Leaving for work, we close the bedroom door, move the blanket off the couch, make sure there is food and water for him, and open the door to let him outside.... all without even thinking about it.
I walk into the kitchen and glance down, expecting him to be there with his big brown eyes, floppy lopsided ears up, and an expectant look on his face.... but he isn't there.

I feel hollow, empty inside.

He was 12 years old, and was my best friend.
He listened intently and hung on my every word no matter what was happening in my life.
He let me hug him close when I had a bad day, never minding if my tears landed on his soft fur, letting me plant kisses right between his eyes.
He followed me around the house like a shadow, and nudged the bathroom door open to make sure the hair dryer never won our morning battle.
He snuggled when I didn't feel well, barked for treats when I was too slow, and played mediator when people got too noisy in the house.
He was a gentle soul who never hurt anyone. I've even seen him allow a toddler to pull on handfuls of his fur at the park, and he just looked at the child with love.
He loved hiking in the woods (peeing on everything he could get close to), and camping (because he always got food scraps).
He did not like being in water. The beach, baths, rain, or any other reason to get wet.... He just never understood the need for it!

He loved belly rubs, ear scratches, and always managed to give you a kiss for it.

He slept on a Dora the Explorer blanket, snuggled my flip flops, and sneaked onto the couch when we weren't at home.

And he loved the kids. I can't tell you how many times I have argued with the 2 year old about whose dog he really was.

Now we have to break this terrible news to the children. I don't even know where to begin...

My favorite story is how people would ask what kind of dog he was. I would look them in the eye and say, "a Miniature Retriever."
Of course, there is no such thing... but people are funny. Either you hear someone honestly confess that they had never heard of one, or suddenly they have some distant friend or relative that also has one....

But really... he was Mine. He came from Spain, and managed to push his way into my heart when I didn't want a dog, and didn't think I needed one. Turns out, I needed him more that I thought...

Someday, my heart will stop hurting, but I will always love him for what he brought into my life.... compassion, patience, and love....

Nobody Listens

Have you ever felt like nobody hears what you are saying?
I am sure that everyone has felt like this at some point or another in their lives.
But have you felt like this all the time? I always have, my whole life. I feel just ignored and kicked aside. Useless in others' eyes.
My parents did it to me while I was growing up; my ex husband did it for the whole decade-plus that we were together; my boyfriend, kids and co workers do it to me now. No matter what the situation, if I feel like I have an idea, or something to offer to the situation, I speak up.
Invariably, whomever I am talking to will immediately dismiss me, tell me how there is "no way" my idea would work, and then continue to struggle without giving it a try. And more times than not, the person will eventually try my idea (not even aware that I had thought of it), see that it worked, and make a huge deal about how they thought of it!!
Are you kidding me right now?
I don't know if my grasp of the English language is just that bad, that I don't get my point across...
Or people these days are just so busy thinking about what they will say next that they don't even hear my input and immediately shoot it down...
Or if there is just something about me that just voids any respectability that my ideas may hold.
By no means do I consider myself a genius, but I did score a 97 on the ASVAB (military entrance exam). Just to clue you in, in order to go to Nuke School, the average ASVAB score is only an 80+. So, I'm not dumb, either.
So why do people just dismiss me no matter what? It frustrates me when I am treated like that, and then I just stop wanting anything to do with the project. I become stubborn and refuse to help. Often times, I now just step back and let the person struggle. Why try to help someone that has shown time and again that my suggestions mean nothing to them?
I don't know why exactly I wrote this post. Just to vent my frustration, I guess, as much good as it will do me!
What is it about a person (my boyfriend, for instance) that people will listen to him, but not to me? If I do not have a valid idea, I am not going to waste my time telling you about what I think.
But... these days, I think I'm done telling people what I think anyways. What is the point? Besides, it's entertaining to watch them struggle....

I Called My Dad Today

Everyone in my family that I had spoken to so far about my grandmother's illness has told me that my dad wasn't handling it very well. My grandma's decision so far, is to not do anything to fight the cancer. My cousin, my sister, and my grandma all said that my dad complained about her "giving up," and then just sort of retreated into himself.

When I talked to him today, he seemed fine. He understood her decision, and even said that it would probably be the same choice he would make for himself.

It was good for me to hear him say it. Considering the fact that that I had cancer, fought it, and beat it... I'm having a hard time coming to terms. Of course, I was 31 and she is 83, so logically, it makes sense. My brain understands her choice and knows it is smart. My heart is selfish and is begging her to do everything possible. It hurts.

I guess I just need people to keep telling me that it's the right choice. Maybe my heart will come around.

Sometimes, when you are really sad, you just need to make a phone call, only to hear a specific voice. It doesn't matter what you talk about. You just need that voice in your ear.... because it fills your soul... I made that call today, and I am so glad that I did! <3

My Grandmother

I received a phone call last night from my cousin in Pittsburgh. .. My grandmother has been diagnosed with lung cancer. That is all that I know so far. I talked to my sister this morning, but she didn't have much more info. No idea of what stage it is or any other news so far.

I'm scared... afraid.
Afraid of losing the woman that I have looked up to and admired my whole life.
Even as an adult, I thought of her as being invincible. 
This can't be happening.
My brain refuses to acknowledge it!
My heart is breaking!

More than anything, though... I'm angry.
Cancer is so unfair.
It doesn't care that it is ravishing the backbone of our family.
It doesn't care how it makes anyone feel or who it takes.
It is an ugly monster that has reared its stupid head in a place that it doesn't belong!
My hands are tied.
What can I do??
Nothing.
Nothing but give my love.
Give as much love as I possibly can.
So that is what I will do.
Just love her, like she has always loved me.
I always have loved her,
And always will...

"At times, my grandmother seems like a mystical creature born of a fairy tale,
All knowing and wise, she sees into our daily lives,
And sets us straight when we stray.
A beautiful laugh,
A magician with meals,
A pied piper of children,
A Horse Whisperer,
And a Jill of all trades.
She made us who we are today.
Whenever we’re lost
She’s the beacon of light that guides us all home, once more."

Life is Very Good

Do you ever just feel overwhelmed by your own life? I mean in a good way....
I have had bottom-of-the-barrel low points in my life. If it CAN go wrong, it DID. No matter what I touched, no matter how hard I tried, things just didn't work out the way I had planned/hoped.
Things have turned around! All of the pain, fear, loneliness, loss, etc. have faded into the background. I appreciate them because they are part of who I am today, but more than anything, my experiences have made me thankful. I appreciate so much more... the little things.
My life is far from perfect. I'm still nowhere near where I want to be... but I can feel the progress! I finally have a PARTNER in my life. Someone that I trust and can talk about anything with. I can finally enjoy a holiday season without the burden of worry. I can see the Christmas lights and smile... not wonder how I will find a way to buy gifts for my children. I look forward to going to sleep and waking every day with my partner by my side.
I know that while things aren't where I want them to be YET, they are indeed headed in the right direction. — feeling loved 

**********

A few years ago, I told my mom that I was "finally content" after my divorce. Unfortunately, I had content confused with happy!

In 2013, I learned that life isn't about just settling for things. If something is not making you happy, you are responsible for changing it! I did what I needed to and found the best thing ever! I am thrilled to wake up every day to see what will happen next.

I have a beautiful family, a great job, amazing friends.... I am the luckiest person on earth... and I know that 2014 will be even more awesome.

 Happy New Year to each of you. May your world be filled with happiness and goodness and love. And thank you for playing whatever part you play in my life. You are still here because you add to my happiness!!!  — feeling Amazeballs.

Appreciating My Family

*{This was a post from last Christmas, when I got out my decorations.}*

So I was completely bummed out today because what little Christmas stuff that I have hung on to after my many moves over the past several years (I held onto things with sentimental value) was mostly ruined when I got it out of my storage today. Somehow, water got into this plastic tote and anything that had material/fabric was covered in mold and had to be thrown away. Many of the ornaments that had paint were peeling, so they also ended up in the trash.

But...

The more I thought about it, the better I felt. I have wonderful, NEW additions to my family... Ashleigh and Carley are happy and healthy, and we have a lot of memories. I don't have to hang on to every ornament they ever made me to prove that. So, maybe it is time to get new, fresh Christmas decorations to help create new memories. The more I processed all of this, the more I became happy about putting my tree up early (due to the schedule with the kids), and I think I'm even starting to get excited about this holiday season.... which is something that I haven't really felt in a long, long time.

I've said it before, but I will say it again:
Life is, indeed, very good....  — feeling blessed and loved with Jonathan Lee.

The Re-Interview of My Daughter, Carley

The 2011 Interview with Ms. Carley...

My daughter and I have decided to ask the questions from her original interview from 2011. She was 10 at the time, and is now 12 years old. I think it will be interesting to see what questions have changed and what has stayed the same!

The questions are in Black, her current answers are in Blue, and her 10 year old answers are in Brown. Hope you enjoy! 

1.      Tell me the five best things about you. Freckles, "Awesome Personality," the fact that "I'm your kid," my hair, and my drawing talent. Drawing, singing, funny, smart, awesome freckles
2.      What does the word "success" mean to you? Being able to do what I want when I'm older. They have done something great and have accomplished a task wonderfully
3.      Why do kids put rings in their eyebrows and nose? Because they think that it makes them cooler and they just want to fit in... even tho I think they look like dorks. Because they think it’s cool because they see it on tv. Really it’s not that cool. They think it will make them look more popular.
4.      If you could tell me never to serve two vegetables again, which two would you choose? Pinto Beans and Brussel Sprouts Sweet potatoes and baked carrots.
5.      Who do you think I'd rather you be: an NBA ballplayer, the mayor, a famous explorer, or a movie star? Why? A famous explorer because I could find a really great place for you to live. An NBA player because you hear me talk about basketball a lot and it is fun for me.
6.      Which of your friends do you think I like the most? Why? Nikki, because she's a really big dork and she makes you laugh with her sarcastic comments. Savannah, because she’s honest, funny and really nice.
7.      On a scale of one to nine – one being not at all and nine being totally – how strict do you think I am? Where on the scale would you like me to be? You're a 3 because you want me to succeed, and I would prefer you were a 4 because I need to be pushed harder. You’re a one. You should be a two??? (in a very weak voice)
8.      What would be the ideal allowance? Tell me how you would use it. $10/week; use it for snacks at school, buy duct tape and things like that. $5.00 for stuff that I need like for junk food that I want so you don’t have to pay for my junk food; and toys that I want.
9.      Who was the worst teacher you ever had? Tell me why. Mrs. Kopleman because she's our language arts teacher that hates us. Nope does NOT like us. Gives us the evil eye from across the room! Oh my goodness! Mrs. J, because she is very, very strict. If you just mess up little things, you could get into a lot of trouble. She was strict.
10.  What would the ideal teacher be like? She would  be just like Mrs. Eddings because she cares for us like we're her own kids. She's easier on us. Very sweet, and just like Mrs. Scott or my mommy.
11.  Which one of your friends is the funniest looking? Why? Ramone because he looks like a dinosaur from the side because he has a big head and a Mohawk!! (she is cracking up right now) Mia, because she has a flat nose, and she always has her eyebrows scrunched up. It’s funny.
12.  If you could arrange it, what time would I come home from work? Then, what would we do together? You wouldn't go to work, but still get paid because that would be awesome. We would have a "girls' day" every day because we would be rich! You would come home at Lunch time, so we could go to lunch together and then have a girl’s night after.
13.   Can you think of any clothes that I should never put on again? Why? If you had anything lacy, I wouldn't want to see that. It's scary for any person in this world! Nobody should wear lace ever. If you’ve ever worn it, you should never wear it again.
14.  If a genie would give you only one wish, which would you pick, and why? being world-class attractive, being a genius, or being famous for doing something great? Famous for something great, because I would be doing something I love like helping kids with special needs or something like that. The last one, because I would gets lot of money so that I could take care of my family and myself.
15.  If you are feeling sad, what meal that I could make or order would be the one that would cheer you up? I like it when you make ice cream sundaes. Ice cream always makes me feel better.
16.  Are you afraid when we fly? No, because I'm with somebody. If I were alone, it would be scary because people scare me. No, it’s fun.
17.  Tell me who you think are the three greatest musicians in the world? Cher Lloyd, Bruno Mars, and Liam Payne Elvis Presley, Taylor Swift, Michael Jackson.
18.  If you could change three things about yourself, what would they be? My shoe size, because I have big feet; My height because I'm short; My laugh because I sound like a dying walrus. Nothing. I like myself perfectly.
19.  What are the qualities that make a good friend? Trust, respect, funny, and loving. Truthfulness, kindness, funniness
20.  What was your favorite toy when you were little?  Poly Pockets! my teddy bear
21.  What do you say to comfort yourself when something scares you (like when a plane is bumpy, of when you are in a scary place)? (breaking into song) "This girl is on fire!!" No, but really... I don't really say anything to myself. I just try to stay calm. It’s ok, just go to your happy place.
22.  What do you think makes a person good-looking? Their personality. The inside is what counts.
23.  If you could decorate our place, what would it look like? It would be a big house with a bunch of rooms; lazy river going through the house; the walls would be rainbow w/ peace signs and band posters everywhere. It would be pink and purple and light blue all over.
24.  What do you think of my driving? Um, it's good. It's just the other idiots on the road! (No, I didn't pay her for that answer!!) Awesome. It’s better than chuck’s.
25.  Looking at your pictures. When do you think you have been the cutest so far? Dude, I've always been cute! When I was a baby.
26.  What is the most enjoyable thing our family has done together in the last three years? Going to the Coke Museum and the Atlanta Aquarium in the same day! Go to the Atlanta aquarium and the coke museum in the same day.
27.  What is the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you? Take me to get my nails done and a girls' weekend! They had my back when I got into trouble.
28.  Why do you, or don't you, like violent movies? I like them because it's fun watching people get hurt. It's a good way to vent anger. They just give me the creeps!
29.  What sport (that you haven't tried) do you think you would be good at? On a swim team because I can hold my breath for a long time and I'm a fast swimmer. Skateboarding
30.  If you were going to have a weird, unusual pet, what would it be? Why would you want that pet? I would want a llama so it will spit in the faces of the people I don't like! An elephant; it’s protective, humungous, it can be a ride, very loving, and I want to name it Ellie.
31.  If you could look like anyone, who would it be? Why? A combination of my mom and Jess because I already do and it's fabulous! My mommy because I already do!
32.  Do you think girls look better with or without makeup? Why? It depends on the person. Some people don't take care of themselves and kind of need it. Other people have good skin and don't really need makeup. Without makeup, because they need to show themselves; with makeup, they are just making themselves look fake.
33.  What is the scariest movie you've ever seen? Why? That move... that I watched with Ashleigh... that one time... at that one place... your friend's house... It had that lady that ate people's tongues. It was so creepy! Dead silent; because the woman ate people’s tongues
34.  What is the grossest thing you can think of? Jess licked her ID card to make it work in the swiper at work! (ew) Snakes
35.  What would you do if you were invisible for a day? I would stalk Channing Tatum... Play pranks on people, especially my sister
36.  Do you ever have a dream that comes back over and over? If so, what is it like? A dream that I get the day before my birthday every year. You (mom) gets captured by a demon and you hide me under a bathroom sink. I have to go through different worlds to find you and I can hear you screaming on every world. When I do find you, you're almost dead. (Might need therapy?? lol) Yes. A nightmare that has come ever since right before my 5^th birthday; a goblin/demon that captures you and Ashleigh, and I have to come and find you. It scares me.
37.  Why do you think some people don't like animals? Because they're just stupid. Because they might be allergic, or they might think it’s too much work.

As she gets older, Carley is turning into a smart, funny, beautiful young lady. She has a good heart and is a kind person. She is currently growing her hair out to donate for Locks of Love, plays the Flute at school, and is interested in doing things to help needy children when she is older. As her mother, I couldn't be more proud of the beautiful lady that outshines me at every turn. I look forward to seeing what new amazing things she has in store for herself!

Jesus, Take the Wheel

Sometimes you just need to pray. Life seems to be going just fine, and then all of a sudden, the phone rings... You take a step back and maybe reevaluate where you’re headed and how you’re getting there.

I received just such a phone call today. It turns out that a close relative of mine is having a stint put in tomorrow morning. I realize that over time, this procedure has become a "routine" thing, but routine or not, I'm still going to worry!

So, after the phone call, I hit my knees, and took some time to bow my head and have a talk with God. I know that worrying about this surgery is not going to help... in fact there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change the outcome at this point... so the only thing left was to pray.

As long as I was down on my knees, I took the time to be thankful for all of the blessings in my life, and say prayers for some of the other people that I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by. It had occurred to me that it had been far too long since I had actually just spent some time focusing on spiritual matters. I was due, and it felt good.

Then, on my way to work, I heard a song that always moves me to tears, no matter what state my life is in at the time... "Jesus Take the Wheel," by Carrie Underwood. I felt like it was a message, letting me know to just trust in Jesus, and everything will turn out ok. So, instead of stressing and worrying about my loved one tonight... I am stepping back and praying that God take care of him and keep him safe.

Anyone that is reading this, if you wouldn't mind setting a clock/alarm for 9:20am tomorrow (EST), please take a moment to say a prayer for my family member. It would mean so much to me..!! Thank you.

P.S. I've added a link to the song if you're interested...
 Jesus, Take the Wheel

Finding the Right Words

About a week ago, I learned that a friend's husband passed away. He had been sick for a long time, and he reached the point where he wasn't able to fight any longer. My friend has a little girl, and they are now going through the grieving process. Although they knew that he was very sick, it is still a very difficult thing to deal with, no matter how much "preparation time" they may have had. I felt so much pain for her loss, yet I had no words to adequately express myself to her. All I could come out with was, "I am so sorry."

In addition to that news, another friend of mine told me that one of his friends had committed suicide this past weekend. I didn't know that person, but I could feel the pain that my friend was feeling. {As some of you may know, a friend of mine tried to do the same thing about a year or so ago. Thank goodness he wasn't successful.} There are so many confusing, unanswered questions with suicides. It is so much more difficult to find closure here. Upon hearing the news, I was faced with the difficult position of trying to find the right words... do the right thing.

It seems that no matter where I go in life, and what things I go through, I still have no idea what the right thing is to say in these situations. I feel terrible, but I am keenly aware that no matter what comes out of my mouth, it will not make the pain go away. So, in knowing that, I feel at a loss. I feel awkward with anything that comes out of my mouth.

Am I the only person like this? Maybe nobody really knows how to adequately express their deepest condolences... or maybe it's just me.

When I went through cancer, people always had very nice things to say, and although it didn't change my situation, it was so comforting to know that my friends and family were there for me when I needed them. Even after all of that, if someone tells me that they are going through something similar, I immediately jump into "take action" mode and start asking about surgeries, hospitals, tests, chemo, radiation, and so on. I completely skip the "I'm so sorry" stage because it feels weird to me. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me, and so I refuse to feel sorry for someone that is capable of fighting. I have no idea if that is wrong! But, I am more equipped (mentally) to help with the "let's fix this problem" stage.

So, at least there, I feel somewhat helpful. When there is a death, I haven't got a clue. My friend whose husband passed away lives too far away for me to be able to make the funeral. I sent my condolences... although I don't feel like it was really adequate. I will be attending a memorial service with my other friend tomorrow. Although I didn't know the person that is now gone, I feel like it is the best that I can do to support my friend.

I don't know what words I will find tomorrow. I am hoping I won't be too awkward... but mostly, I just want to be there for my friend when he is feeling such a loss.

Meanwhile, I am saying prayers for the families and friends of the people that have passed. Time will help heal the open wound, but those loved ones will always be missed. Hopefully, they will be able to find closure in the best way possible.

A Shift in the Force

Something really needs to be said for women's intuition... I don't know if every woman is as in-tune to theirs as much as I am, but when I have a gut feeling, I've found that it's best to listen to it.

Sometimes, when I meet someone new, I'll get a funny vibe from them that nobody else around seems to pick up on. I will say something later about it... and inevitably, they will show their true colors and I will say, "See? I knew there was something about them!" It has happened often enough that my close friends have begun to really pay attention!

So, I recently had an usual gut feeling. As many of you know, my ex husband went on deployment and of course I didn't know when he was coming back. I didn't know how long he was going to be gone or anything.

It was the morning of Carley's 5th grade graduation, and I had spent the night at my friend's house, since she was going to the graduation with me. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, and I felt what could only be described as "A Shift in the Force." I walked out of the bathroom (toothbrush still in hand) and looked at Jessica and said, "He's back." I had no reason to think he was, and I don't normally think about him while doing mundane tasks like brushing my teeth. Somehow, he popped into my head, and I KNEW he was back! She said I was crazy, and we finished getting ready.

Sure enough, we got to Carley's graduation, and who do you think was sitting there? Yup, you guessed it! I have no idea how I knew, but I was 100% sure that he had come back. Apparently, he had just returned the night before.

So, in a somewhat related note (pertaining to my ex)... I have recently come to peace with my past (I know, you're thinking, "It's about time! It's only been 5 years!!"). But, at one point, I loved this guy with everything in me. I loved him from the topmost hair on my head, to my finger tips and toenails. He was my whole world, and I was wonderfully happy. Unfortunately, things didn't work out, and we both turned our love for each other into hatefulness and bitterness. It has taken me a long time to work past it, but I believe I have. I'm no longer angry. I am happy with how my life is turning out, and I have forgiven him for any pain that was caused on his end of our marriage.

Sitting at Carley's graduation, I looked over and realized how unhappy he looked. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with jet lag, but this was how I was seeing him. For a long time, I was upset because I felt that he had gotten the best years of my life... My youth! Anyone that knows me, knows that I am more than aware that I only get one life to live. I want to make the very best of it and enjoy it to my absolute fullest that I possibly can. It angered me that I'd spent 13 years of my life with him, just to end up so angry and bitter!

But, considering that I'd recently lost 35 pounds, and in better shape than I have been in a long  time, and am generally happy with myself... I looked over at him and just felt sad. I think the story goes the other way. I feel that I actually stole his best years... I feel sad for him. Talking to him after the graduation, I could still see anger and hatefulness in his eyes. All I can think is that I wish I could help him to let it go. I wish he could find peace and move forward with his life. I don't know how he will, but I hope he does. I know that I have.

I can now honestly say that I really do wish nothing but the best for him. I know that when he wants to be, he can be a very kind and caring person. I know that he will never direct that kindness towards me, but I’m ok with that. I just pray that someday, he can find his inner peace because carrying around this bitterness is so unhealthy, and it spills over into the people around him. Our children feel it and it pushes them away from him. I don’t know if he will ever realize it, but I see it every day.

I hope he figures it out before it is too late. I have actually begun to say a prayer for his peace every now and then… mostly because I love my children and want them to have their dad in their lives for a long time… but I think a part of it is because I did love him so very much at one point in my life.

Life Comes Full Circle

When I left Jacksonville, as many of you know, it was about a year after my divorce. I had no money, and working two jobs wasn't even enough. In addition, my ex was very angry and bitter (and so was I), and I had felt like he had alienated pretty much all of our friends from me. It was a low point in my life.

I thought there was no one left, so I moved with Chuck, to get away, and try to start over.

Recently, it has been drawn to my attention, how much life really does come full circle. One of the coolest things that I learned while being in the military, is how small the world actually is. I can recall sitting at the Daiquiri Palace in Palma, Spain, having a conversation with someone that I had never met... and finding out that he was from my same small home town, and graduated two years before me! We ended up having a conversation about our high school football coach!

My dad told me a story once about him and my mom going to the Grand Ole Oprey in Nashville on vacation, and he knew people that were sitting in a row nearby!

My ex husband ran into a guy that he went to Marine boot camp with in Rota, Spain... 12 years later!

So, it should be no big surprise when, after leaving Jacksonville, I move back and am constantly running into people that keep saying how much they missed me and have often wondered what had happened to me… and yet it does surprise me… EVERY TIME! I had no idea that my life had touched so many.

I found that I wasn't happy in Georgia, either.. and have since figured out that my happiness was inside of me the whole time, and I just didn't realize it. Life is what you make of it! So, I moved back, found my happiness, and am enjoying being single. I am surrounded by amazing, wonderful friends, who have my back no matter what! I often run into people that I knew when I was still in the Navy, I run into people that I knew while bartending and I run into people that I just knew from wherever. It is amazing how often I hear people say that I was missed and that they wondered how I was!

So, I just wanted to write this blog about how funny it is that life does turn full circle. I am so glad to be surrounded by wonderful people that still love me and care for me, even after not seeing them in years! We can pick right up where we left off and I am constantly being invited to be a part of their lives in some way or another. I do not have words to say how much it is appreciated! To say that I feel loved and cherished is an understatement.

Thank you to all of you that are a part of my life... whether you were, and no longer are... or if you've recently come back into my life... or if you've been there as a part of it all along. People come and go… but God brings back the ones that you need, when you need them. I wouldn't be the person that I am today, without all of you!!

I am a survivor... and I'm not talking about cancer here. I am surviving LIFE! I wouldn't be surviving nearly as well without each and every one of you there to back me up, though. So, THANK YOU, no matter what part you play.

I am so fortunate to have you in my life.

Update

I guess it's been a while since I've updated... life has been busy! Still plugging away at the job... still working on getting into the other shop! I won't stop until the big boss sits me down and tells me to quit. :o) I'm persistent if nothing else!

Lately, it's been the usual military run-around regarding paperwork. I don't have a base access card yet, so I can't get a decal for the jeep. SO, every 30 days, I have to go wait in that crazy line and get a new temporary pass... The government hasn't changed a bit! lol.

In other news, I was invited to a Super Bowl party by a friend that I knew when I lived in Spain... hadn't seen him in seven long years! It was nice to see a friendly face again. When I went to the party, I had planned to leave by half-time, because I didn't know anyone there except him. BUT, they all turned out to be a really great group of people and look forward to hanging with them again sometime. I haven't laughed so hard in ages!

Carley is doing great. She was over last weekend, and we saw "Joyful Noise" with Tammy and her girls. Then, on Sunday, we enjoyed Lexi's 11th birthday party. Only 6 more weeks until my baby is 11 now! She's growing so fast, and becomes smarter and more beautiful every single day. I am so proud of my girls!!

Ash is still plugging away at school and work. The transmission in her car went out, so she has been pulling extra shifts to make enough money to get it fixed. Meanwhile, she is relying on the kindness of Chuck's family and her friends. My family is so fortunate to be surrounded by such kind, loving people!

Otherwise, I'm enjoying being in Jacksonville. I miss Ashleigh, Chuck & all of the Lamphere family, but I still firmly believe this is the best decision I could've made. I have a good job, and I get to see Carley on a regular basis. She has always needed her Mom in her life, and I feel so much better about being here! I won't have her this weekend, but I am taking her lunch at school on Thursday, and we're planning a trip up to Georgia to visit everyone on President's Day weekend.

I guess that's about it. Hope everyone is doing great!!

Merry Christmas!

Hey, Everyone! Here's hoping that your holidays are awesome, surrounded by people that you love.

There's a lot going on here! I've been dieting, so I've been running... a lot... I am working up to a 5k after the new year. It may not sound like a big deal to any of you that are natural runners, but let me just tell you that I am NOT a good runner. I've always loved it, but I'm slow, and I tire easily. So, this is a really big deal for me. It is my way for rewarding myself for no longer being a smoker. (I quit in May).

In other news, I am going down to Florida to pick Carley up for Christmas Vacation! YAY!!! While I'm in Jacksonville, I'm also going to be visiting VP-30 at NAS Jax. That was the last command that I was in while still in the Navy, and now they're being run by government contractors... And I have three friends trying to help me get my foot in the door down there. No guarantees on the job, but it looks like I'm going to get back down to Florida one way or another! I'm really excited to be closer to Carley.

Ashleigh hasn't decided what she wants to do. She wants to go back to Florida, but doesn't want to leave her friends up here. Either way, I support her decision (although I would love her to go back to Jax with me.) I have to face the fact that she is growing up (will be 20 years old in less than a month!!!), and give her the space she needs.

Otherwise, we are all headed up to Michigan for a week, after I get Carley on Friday. I'm driving back to Gainesville to get Chuck and Ash, and then driving to Michigan. I'm excited, because it will be the first time I'd been to one of Grandma Marion's Christmas Parties in about 8 or 9 years! Plus, I'll get to see a lot of cousins and friends that I have not seen in a really long time.

So, my karma seems to be taking a good turn (knock on wood) and things are looking up. Sometimes bad things (loss of a job) need to happen before good things can take their place.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Being Grateful, Prayers

I have spent the entire morning sending out cover letters with resumes, and filling out online job applications. It's a long, tedious process, and to be honest, I have no idea if I'm making any headway at all. Pretty much all of the job site places are inundated with so many people looking for work... and just sending out resumes IN CASE they lose their current job, that I feel like I'm just getting buried in the shuffle. I feel like I need a "gimmick" or something to make my resume really stand out... I'm open to suggestions! I really don't know if I'm just wasting my time, or if the phone will actually ring sometime soon.

I guess we shall see.

I do have an appointment with the Unemployment Office tomorrow morning. I filled out everything I could about my request to collect unemployment online, on Sunday night. On the application, there were boxes that asked
why I was terminated,
if I was aware of whatever rule that was broken,
if I had been notified of this rule,
if I had ever been formally reprimanded,
if I felt the termination was justified,
and what I felt the actual reason for termination was, if I did not agree.

SO, I don't know if the Labor Board actually follows up on this or not, but they have been notified of the situation.

In other news... I spoke with a family member today, and was reminded once again that my situation is not nearly as dire as it could be. For instance, I still have a roof over my head, my children and dog are safe, and unemployment will at least cover my child support payments.

My life does NOT include any drama or violence.

While I know that we are all fully aware of how fortunate we are in regards to our support systems and the people that care about us, sometimes it is easy to get so wrapped up in our own "problems" that we forget that there are many people that have it worse off than we do....

In my case, I have just such a person in my own family.

So, although it isn't a lot, I did what I could to help her out.

Recently, a friend did something for me, and even though I don't have a job right now, I am fortunate enough to be able to forwarded the favor along to my loved one. I am hoping that very soon, she will be in a situation where she will be able to forward something similar to someone else that is needing the help.

Meanwhile, I would appreciate it if you could all just mention a "general" prayer for her at some point today. She could really use all the love and positive vibes that she can get. Her situation is difficult, but she has two very small children to care for, and that is making it even harder for her.

Wishing love, safety, and a violence-free path for all of you....

It's Fall Y'all

Autumn is my favorite time of year. It always has been, even as a child.

Springtime is lovely, with the flowers and the earth bursting with new growth.
I love the warmth of the summer, and when I lived in Florida, I loved going to the ocean whenever possible.
Winter is fine, if we can get enough snow to go sledding.

But none of these seasons warm me on the inside the way autumn does. So, I've decided to list off some of the reasons that I love, love, love this time of year... Feel free to comment and leave even more reasons, if YOU also enjoy the crisp, cool fall weather!

I love driving through the mountains and seeing the fall colors on the trees
The cool, crisp air, first thing in the morning, as it warms a little during the day
Bon fires at night, with s'mores
Caramel Apples
Corn mazes and hayrides
A steaming mug of hot apple cider
Going to haunted houses with friends
Costume parties
Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte
Pumpkin pie and whipped cream
Thanksgiving and cranberry sauce
Family
Fuzzy socks
Flannel pajamas
Scarves
Hoodies and blue jeans
Hiking Boots
Playing with the kids in the fallen leaves
Carving jack-o-lanterns
Cinnamon candles
Steelers and U of Mich football
Snuggling under a blanket with my hunnie
Hiking in the mountains

Oh, and of course, the two very best things... Halloween and my birthday! :o)

I hope you all have a wonderful week, enjoying the first stages of autumn. Our leaves are just barely starting to change colors. I'm ready to find a corn maze and start planning my Halloween costume!

Positive Vibes

Ok, so I haven't been on here in a while. Sorry.

To be honest, I was feeling bad, because I felt like my blog was becoming a continuous bitch session. It is a good place to air out my problems and vent, but at the same time, I am sure that I come across as this "Negative Nancy" to anyone that doesn't know me.

SO, I've decided to follow in the steps of a friend, and make today a {{{Positive Vibes}}} day. I would like to take the time to discuss the positive qualities of all of the wonderful people in my life, but I'm not going to bore you all with detail like that.

Let me just mention a few people at the top of my list, and hope that the people I don't take the time to mention will know that I do still appreciate them in my life as well!

CDL - I love that you support me in everything that I do. You listen to me, and you give me feedback when I act a little crazy. You make me laugh when I get too stressed. It drives me up the wall! Thank you.

AW&MW - I appreciate you two more than you know!! You've taken me into your home not once, but twice, when I've needed it the most. I can only hope that one day I can find an appropriate way to repay you.

JAA - I thank God for every day that you have been in my life. Taking you into my heart was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. You have made me a better, more patient person, and you constantly remind me how to look at the funny side of life. I couldn't be more proud!

CNA - You are becoming more like me every day. I am so excited about that! (I'm also hoping it drives your Dad crazy!! lol) You are smart, funny, and independent. I miss you more than you will ever understand, and I love you. You are my light at the end of the tunnel.

GJM&TGM - Thank you for always being there to listen to me vent about the issues in my life, without ever overstepping any boundaries. You realize that I am a very independent, proud person, and you never tell me how you think I should live my life. You offer advice when solicited, but mostly, you just hear me out. That is all I ever really need. I am so greatful that you are my parents!

DM - There was a long time that I didn't have you in my life, and I missed you more than you will ever know. I have always considered you to be like a big sister, and I am so excited to have you as a friend again. I love that you listen to me vent about my life, and make me laugh when you vent about yours. I appreciate our phone calls, and everything else that you have done for me as well. Thank you for being a friend.

MM - The other person that I call to vent about my life. I realize that you have issues in your life that are equal to mine, but you always take the time to listen when I need it. I value all of the constructive criticism that you give, and I appreciate that you can take my criticism for what it is... Just my Opinion. You make me laugh when things look bad. Thank you for being my friend over these years!

To everyone else out there... If you were not mentioned in the above list, please don't be upset! I have such a wonderful support group that is made up of so many people! I get phone calls, text messages, e-mails, and messages on my social network... Random kind words mean so much! I have been back in contact with some "long lost" cousins, reunited with some old Navy friends, and grown closer to some people that I went to high school with. I am thankful for every part that all of you play in my life, no matter how big or small that part may be!

So, instead of complaining about the fact that my jeep broke down, again, on Saturday... I'm going to just say THANK YOU to everyone that has already heard me bitch about it, and move on!

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Embrace the Chaos

When Ashleigh was younger, we lived on the US Navy base in Rota, Spain. Our house was about 3-4 doors down from the school, so her friends practically lived at our house. There was an endless stream of pre-teens eating our food like locusts, watching our television, playing with Carley, and all hugging me and calling me their "other" mom... I loved it! Ashleigh had wonderful friends; all very polite, funny, and respectful. None of them minded when little Carley wanted to follow them around once in a while, even though she was only 3 years old. I loved that I knew where my daughter was, and I loved that all of her friends felt comfortable in our home.

Since then, circumstances being what they are, our house has been very quiet. We no longer live on a military base, next to the school. Ashleigh has gotten older and drives to see her friends instead. Our family has delt with cancer, divorce, and various other stresses in life. We seem to have lost the wonderful chaos of having children constantly streaming through our lives... Until this weekend.

Chuck's sister has a pre-teen that is the same age that Ashleigh was, when we lived in Spain. Now her friends are often around. Her younger brother also has friends over on a regular basis. The children attend dance and gymnastic classes, boy scouts, and various other activities. They are always on-the-go. Their mom worries because she would like to go back to school, and get a job outside of the home, but I say BRAVO to her! She is doing an amazing job raising these children to become some of the happiest kids that I have ever seen.

Now, since I haven't had this wonderful chaos in my life in about 7 or 8 years, I have gotten into my own routine. I am accustomed to quiet, peaceful evenings. I am used to being able to watch a tv show without looking around someone to see it. I have gotten older, and developed my own habits. SO, I have a choice to make, living in this new place:

I can be annoyed with the constant stream of noise, confusion and chaos (which would only make ME unhappy, because it isn't going to stop)
(or)
I can embrace the chaos, and sit back and watch all of these noisy kids develop their personalities right in front of my eyes!

Just as I've seen these two children grow taller, and have their personalities develop more and more over the past 3 years since I've known them, I look forward to seeing them grow even more, developing into young adults. They are both smart, funny, and energetic kids, just bursting with excitement for life. How could I ruin that by asking them to "keep it down" in their own home? I think that if I need peace and quiet in my life, I will put on my running shoes, grab the dog, and go for a walk. Meanwhile, I fully plan to Embrace the Chaos that is becoming my life.

Slight Hitch in the Plans

Ok, so there's been a recent development/hitch in the plans to move out.... It's about 5 ft tall, brown hair, blue eyes, 19 years old., female, and an overly-charming personality.

The plan was that when we moved out of our house on Aug. 18th, then Ash would move in with her friend until the end of this semester. She would finish the required classes at her current college, and then move to her preferred college (also close by) and live in the dorms. It was going to be an excellent way for her to get used to living on her own, but still have Mom close enough for whenever she needs me.

Well, it turns out that the friend that she was going to live with (and take my cat to) has some of her own issues, and we've agreed that Ashleigh living there wouldn't be the best idea. So, now I have no place for either my cat or my kid to go. Great. Now I have guilt. She moved up here after graduation to be near me, and now I'm bailing on her. WTF?

On top of that, our initial plan was to stay with Chuck's sister while the weather was still hot, and then camp out in the cooler months until it got cold out. Well, somehow, it turned into us just moving in to his sister's house (second time for me, and I have no idea how many times Chuck's lived with her) and staying there for a year to pay off these bills.

So I might just be a pig-headed, stubborn PITA, but I'm gonna come out with it...

I don't want to live with her family again. I love her. I love her family. I'd like to keep it that way. They are wonderful, generous, amazing people. That house is too small for us to live there, too. In addition, I now have Ashleigh to worry about, and they definately don't have room for her as well. I have already been given so much by them, and they have given so much to so many people in their family, that I don't want to continue taking from them. Besides that, Ashleigh and I would both have to drive an hour to work, plus an hour home from work... and me with a second job... and her with college...

So on the days that I work both jobs, I would be leaving the house at 6:30am and not get home until around 10:30pm.

This isn't going to work for me.

Plus, I have to get rid of my cat, and I can't find any takers. This is really starting to look like she's going to end up at the pound, which makes me very unhappy. None of this is her fault. She's sweet and lovable, but skittish. I don't think she'd handle new people - or the pound - very well.

All around, I'm unhappy right now.

But, Chuck wants to live there for a couple of reasons. Turns out that his car (that has been sitting in our driveway for a couple of months now) is broken way worse than origionally thought. So, if he is living with his sister, he can bum rides to work every day with his brother in law. Plus, the added benefit of being closer to his sister and his parents. Plus, when his car is running, he will only be about 20 minutes from where he works. So he is happy with the whole situation. He doesn't have any qualms at all about moving in with his sister (yet again).

So, am I just being difficult? I have so many more thoughts on this, but I am not trying to pick a fight or anything. I am a creative, resourceful person. I just have to figure out exactly what it is that I will do about this situation. I've got some thinking to do.

Dark Cloud

I can feel it. I could feel it right after I dropped Carley off in Florida. It's a good thing Ashleigh made the trip back with me, or I would have cried for a large part of the ride back to Jasper. I've done that before. It's a dark cloud. I don't know how else to explain it, without it sounding all dramatic and dreary. It's sadness that I can't keep away. It happens every time I have to give Carley back. Even now, I just want to burst into tears.

I know in my heart that my divorce was the correct thing to do. That was never a question. I could not stay married in that enviroment. Honestly, if Tim were truthful to himself, he would agree. We were like cancer to eachother. It was unhealthy for me, for him, and for the girls. So, divorce was the right thing to do.

Ever since then, however, I can't seem to get my life back on track. I fight depression constantly. I play mind games with guilt and remorse. I missed both my girls, and now that Ash is here with me, I'm happy, but that's only one of them. I feel sad because I didn't take them with me in the first place, even though I know for a fact that I wasn't able to at that time. I didn't know where I was going to go. How could I take them? To live in my jeep? Tear them away from the home and friends and schools that they knew so they could live with me... Who-knows-where?? So, I do think that it was the correct decision at the time. I love my girls so much that I try to overlook what I want (I want THEM!!) in order to give them what I feel is best. I feel that a stable living environment is the best thing for them. So, they stayed with their Dad.

Oh, I know what people say. I know what people that used to be my friends say. I know what people in my own family say. They weren't there, though. Moneyless, homeless, jobless. So why did I leave? Without getting into a bashing party, let's just say that it was an unfit environment to be in while trying to fight cancer. Undergoing chemo and radiation therapies and also fighting in this marriage did not go well. So, I had to leave.

I've had so many people judge me as soon as they hear that I left my children. They think I'm a bad mother. They think I have no maternal instinct. They think I'm selfish. They think I must have some sort of horrible drug addiction. They think so many things. People that claim to be my friends will talk about other women that do not have custody of their kids. They say negative things about these women, and then when I point out my own situation, they are quick to say that I am different from that other person. How can they judge? They only hear the Dad's side of that divorce, so they are quick to talk about that woman. So many people are saying similar things about me. They have no idea what I've been facing over the past three years. They only hear what Tim tells them (and he's angry, so I'm sure it's nothing nice).

OF COURSE I WANT MY CHILD LIVING WITH ME!! I'd be crazy not to! She is a piece of me. A piece of my soul. I am hollow without her in my life every single day. I constantly feel like I'm drowning. I am always wondering what she is doing "right now." I miss her so badly that it hurts. Some things really should just kill you.

But, when I see her again, I see how she's grown. How happy she is. The nice clothes she has. She tells me about the things that they do. Her friends and teachers at school. "Family vacations" that they've been on or have planned. She is so beautiful, smart, and well-adjusted. How can I step in at this time and try to take her out of that home? She has a Dad and Step-Mom all in one house. She is in a family. She is happy.

I know for a fact that my life is a random, messy spiral. It has been ever since my divorce. I try like hell to fix it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I live with someone, but I have no intentions of getting married again. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to trust someone like that again. I don't  know what is happening in my life from month to month. I don't know where I'll be living a month from now. I don't know when I'll ever be able to take a trip to visit family/friends again because of money issues.

I can't force that kind of life on my little girl, and I doubt she would want to live like that. I can't keep her in the nice clothes that she wears now. With me, it would be WalMart, Target, and Goodwill clothes, because that's what I wear. With me, it would be "trips" to free places like the lake, not Disney Cruises and flights to Texas. I look at my little girl and know that I want her to live with me so much, but I know that it would be very wrong of me to try to take her away from what she has in her life right now. It would be selfish of me.

If I have learned nothing else in my life, I have learned that I can't always have what I want, and sometimes I have to think of what is better for someone else.

So, unfortunately, I don't think I'll be fighting for custody of Carley. I will continue to try to see her as often as possible. I am working on fixing the whole child support issue that is going on because it's stupid. I am still paying child support for Ash, even though she graduated over a year ago and has been living with me ever since. Oh, and the fact that Tim made a claim that I had not been paying at all, when I was, so they started taking money directly out of my paycheck without any type of investigation. But I will not take Carley out of the happy home that she is in... Unless she gets old enough to decide and actually asks to live with me. Even then, I would make she is certain that it is what she wants, before fighting for her. I don't want her to move in with me and then regret it.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to decide to do (or not do). This was not a decision that I've taken lightly. I would appreciate it if people only leave positive comments. I can not deal with judgemental people right now. If you do not have anything nice to say to me, then please do not say anything at all. Thank you in advance for that consideration.