Heavy Heart

As I get older, I find my lifes relates to a small stream of water working it's way through stones. It sometimes flows quickly then slowly, before picking up speed again. It usually takes the easiest path, but can wear stones down to create a better path when needed. Often, the path may change suddenly, and without warning. That doesn't stop the water from flowing. It just takes a different route. Water is resiliant. It is strong and determined... and yet, it is only water.

This is me. It would seem that although plans and ideas have been made, they can change in an instant. Sometimes it is me making the changes because I've developed a better idea or whatever, or it is some outside influence causing the changes. Either way, I hold true to the saying, "I'm a woman, therefore, I can change my mind." My stream changes abruptly and heads in a different direction.

I have something going on in my life recently, that has caused my heart to become heavy. I am at odds with the situation. I am trying to decide what it is about my personality that is making the situation difficult. Should I put a rock down to stop the two streams from flowing together? Or do I open up more and allow more of my river to join into the bigger stream?

I realize that I'm being somewhat cryptic, but I have something going on in my life that is making me sad, and yet, I feel like I have no one to talk to. So... it gets put on here. But, if the person knows who I am talking about, they may become angry about my airing out their business. So, more than anything, I feel like I need to get some feelings out.

I feel sad.
Lonely.
Overwhelmed.
Useless and Hopeless.
Dependent.
Needy.
Unsure.

Above all, I'm angry.

I'm angry at myself because I feel that some situations in my past have made it more difficult to develop the correct friendships/relationships in my present. Because of some things that I've experienced, I have closed myself off from others, making it hard to trust anyone and let them in. Sadly, it is completely unfair to the people that I care about. I just don't know how let anyone in completely.

"Never lay all your cards out on the table."

Even after I figured this out about myself, I still have no idea what to do. I expect too much of people, then get disappointed, and then use that as a reason to wall people off. So, how do I know if my expectations are reasonable and that person just doesn't fit into the realm of what I want around in my life? Do I continue as I am, hoping to hold on as long as possible, before certain people in my life stop trying to get in and just walk away? I don't know what to do. Part of me says to just "set them free" while another part of me is screaming for them not to walk out the door.

Can you see the Libra in me? There is clearly a reason our symbol is the scales.

The one thing I can say, is that I do care deeply for this person, but I don't know how to tell if that is enough.