Me: I'm gonna write a blog on personalities. I have homework for you. If you could choose one word to describe yourself, what would it be, and why?
Her: I really don't know. I think strong or tough would be good. So many words come to mind... Loving. Everything I do in my life is for [her child]. I give up so much for love.
Me: Yes you do. You are an amazing mom! You are also a kind, giving, and loving friend! You bring out the best in me... I love that about you!
At the risk of spilling too much personal information about my friend, she is a wonderful mom, but carries some guilt about the fact that she's not always able to do everything for her child that she thinks she needs to do. I have seen her in action, and she does just as well as any of the rest of us! As parents, we all learn as we go. None of us dove into parenthood knowing all of the right answers! She is doing well, and her kiddo is beautiful, smart, and well taken care of.
So, from the psychological point of view that we discussed yesterday... I question if perhaps her subconscious mind was somehow trying to convince and reassure herself (or me) of her parenting skills. I already think she's a great Mom, but she questions herself. So, the one-word answer could have covered how she acts towards her friends, her parents, her siblings, her roommate, etc., but when asked to define how she is loving, the answer went down to her child. I found that interesting.
Was it a parental knee-jerk response, or was it something else?
If I were to describe my friend with one word, I would choose "Worldly." She was begging me to tell her what the word was, but I refused because the word by itself may sound negative. I don't mean it in a bad way at all! In fact, I mean it as she has done a lot of things, been a lot of places, gone through a lot of really difficult issues... is 5 years younger than I am... and still manages to be a very caring, loving person. She gives people a chance, but she is no fool. She is nearly as perceptive as the person I talked about yesterday, but manages to keep her opinions to herself. She's "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, then sold it in a yard sale!" Yet she still cares and tries to let people in.
I think it is interesting that two very different people can each have a lifetime of difficulties, and yet walk away with completely different attitudes. I am guarded and constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. She is the very opposite! She cares, she opens herself up, and she loves until that person proves her wrong.
I can't help but wonder if these differences have anything to do with birth order. If you Google that sort of thing, there are varied opinions on the subject. Some scientists claim that birth order can help shape an individuals' personality. I tend to think that it does make some sort of a difference. Below, I've pasted some snippets from an article I found on the subject...
Personality Traits Linked to Birth Order
- Clearly, firstborns are natural leaders. They also tend to be reliable, conscientious and perfectionists who don't like surprises. Although, firstborns are typically aggressive, many are also compliant people pleasers. They are model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge.
- Middle children may not feel they have a special place in the family so friends and peer groups become much more important. They can usually read people well, they are peacemakers who see all sides of a situation, they are independent and inventive.
- Babies of the family are social and outgoing, they are the most financially irresponsible of all birth orders. They just want to have a good time. These kids love the limelight. While lastborns may be charming, they also have the potential to be manipulative.
With all of that being said, I'll use myself as the example first. I was the baby in my household, and I was a pain as a teenager, always getting into trouble. I am very social and I do love to have fun. I enjoy being in the limelight with my friends, but not around strangers. I have serious stage fright! Finally, I disagree about being financially irresponsible. I have a lot of bills from my divorce, and everything gets paid immediately after payday, before any money is spent on "fun stuff."
Now, my friend is more complicated. She was born as the oldest/only child, but then later became a middle child through remarriage. So, I believe she has a slight combination of both personalities... As the oldest child, she is reliable and slightly OCD about her stuff, and I believe she might have a tendancy to want approval from some of the other people in her life. As a middle child, she has very close relationships with her friends, and she does try to remain the peacemaker whenever possible.
In retrospect, I would have to say that her word, "Loving," is the most suitable for her. I believe she hit the nail on the head with that one. She has just as many reasons as anyone to be bitter or negative about life... and yet she prevails and her smile and amazing sense of humor just shine through instead. Perhaps she could teach me a lesson or two in opening up and letting people in!
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Friday, July 27, 2012
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Adventurer Extraordinaire
After some thinking, it has recently occurred to me that I am not the same person that I used to be. I feel like I'm all rolled up into myself. I used to be spread out; giving and sharing, and now I'm small and afraid. My core, my inner being, is different.
I used to be strong, bold, outgoing, brave... I didn't flinch... I didn't think twice about going on an adventure!! My Mom once told me that one of the things she admired about me was that I was willing to just pack up go anywhere. I loved going to new places, and never had any qualms about moving anywhere, even if I had to go alone. I'd always figured that I would just make new friends once I got there!
What has happened to me? Was it age? Being a mother? Was it divorce? Was it cancer? Was it just the slow erosion of life, wearing away at my candy coating? Whatever it was, I'm not happy about it being gone. I'm suddenly thinking that instead of creating caution and fear in me, why didn't the fact that I overcame these things instill more boldness and fearlessness in me? Isn't that how it should have worked? Who's to say why I have reacted the way that I have?
I joined the US Navy when I was 17 and turned 18 in boot camp... WHAT AN ADVENTURE!
That wasn't enough, though. When I was in Parachute Rigger School, a set of orders came up to send the very first female parachute rigger to a sea-going command... in essence, the first woman on a navy carrier... I wanted it. I wanted it bad! I didn't even think it through before my hand was in the air, and I was begging: "Pick me, pick me!!" Who WAS that girl? I miss her. Her name is in a history book somewhere. She was interview by Katie Couric for her role in the US's military history. She was amazing, and funny, and always plowed in head first.
After some time, I met the man that was to become my husband. Again, I just dove in. He had a little girl, and I jumped in with both feet, at the age of 19, and adopted a 3 year old. Being her step-mom wasn't good enough for me. Her biological mother had some things going on her life, so Ashleigh was going to be MINE, and I'll be damned, she still is. She has grown into a beautiful, amazing young lady. I couldn't be more proud.
In retrospect, I married too young, but it's not something I could regret! How could I? I have two amazing daughters from that marriage.
Our family had the opportunity to move to Europe... Rota, Spain. My first reaction? YES! I didn't even hesitate. When do we leave? I was so excited to face this new adventure with the people that I loved the most. It wasn't easy to sell the house that I loved. It wasn't easy saying goodbye to the people we loved here in the states. It wasn't easy living over there, and in the long run, it was the beginning of the end of our marriage... But again, I couldn't regret it! I have wonderful friends, wonderful memories from living over there! My children have memories and friends from it! Why would I regret any of those choices?
When the time was up, we all moved back to the states, and got a new house. We lived in Florida for a year before Cancer struck. But, again, being the person that I am, I faced it head on... I CAN DO THIS!! Dying was never an option that even crossed my mind. I got the phone call, then called my mother and husband, and then went shopping, just as I had planned to spend my day before I received that phone call. That little 6-letter word wasn't going to ruin that day or any day after, as far as I was concerned!
In the long run, it was the downfall of an already failing marriage, but I learned a few things. I think I would have just kept dangling on forever in that unhappy marriage if I had never had to face something harder. I firmly believe that God only sends us what we can handle, and everything happens for a reason. It also taught me how to really love something more than myself.
The day that I left my ex-husband was one of the hardest days of my life... much harder than cancer ever was for me. It wasn't hard because of leaving him. We'd fought for so long, and so hard, and so loudly, that leaving was like finally being at peace. The difficult decision was leaving my girls.
Some things should really just kill you.
I didn't want to leave them, but I had no choice. I was trying to love them more than myself, and I knew that if I really did care about them, then they should stay in the home that they knew, around the friends that they already had. Divorce was difficult enough, without being pulled up by your roots and yanked around by your mother, who herself was lost at the time. Still, to this day, I don't know if I made the right decision. But, I tried to do the right thing by them... Only to be judged for it over and over again during the past three years. My consolation? The people judging me don't know the whole story, and they have probably never had to face the same decision I had to make that day.
Regardless, I do believe that was the beginning of my slow demise. I had always known my place in the world... I was always at the front of the line. The first to try something new, while others followed me! Once I gave my girls to my ex husband, I think I rolled myself up into a cocoon and have just been dwelling day by day without any purpose in my life.
I am about to embark on a new journey, which is entirely in keeping with my character. The problem is that I haven't got the enthusiasm that all of my other journeys began with. I see the reason for the journey. I see where it will take me. I have considered the hardships that will be involved. Like a good little Libra, I've weighed all the pros and cons (which is something I never did when I was younger) and yet I'm still not excited.
Something is missing.
Everything is bland. Beige. Neutral.
This bothers me.
I do believe that at the tender age of 35, I've finally lost my zest and enthusiasm for life.
What do I do now? Come to terms with it? I'm not ok with that option. But how do I get it back? I definitely need to sit down and figure this one out before I move along much further.
My brain keeps thinking around and around in circles. I have some theories. Of course, I’ll have to think them through several more times before I decide to share those theories. I’m worried that if I make the changes that might be necessary, then some of the people that I care about will be deeply affected. Am I ready to do that? Not yet.
As a Libra, I’m also a problem-solver. Maybe I can figure out a way to find my old (younger) self again, while still holding on to the things in my life that I want the most. Can I really have it all? I’m sure experts agree that you can’t … but those experts never met me!
I used to be strong, bold, outgoing, brave... I didn't flinch... I didn't think twice about going on an adventure!! My Mom once told me that one of the things she admired about me was that I was willing to just pack up go anywhere. I loved going to new places, and never had any qualms about moving anywhere, even if I had to go alone. I'd always figured that I would just make new friends once I got there!
What has happened to me? Was it age? Being a mother? Was it divorce? Was it cancer? Was it just the slow erosion of life, wearing away at my candy coating? Whatever it was, I'm not happy about it being gone. I'm suddenly thinking that instead of creating caution and fear in me, why didn't the fact that I overcame these things instill more boldness and fearlessness in me? Isn't that how it should have worked? Who's to say why I have reacted the way that I have?
I joined the US Navy when I was 17 and turned 18 in boot camp... WHAT AN ADVENTURE!
That wasn't enough, though. When I was in Parachute Rigger School, a set of orders came up to send the very first female parachute rigger to a sea-going command... in essence, the first woman on a navy carrier... I wanted it. I wanted it bad! I didn't even think it through before my hand was in the air, and I was begging: "Pick me, pick me!!" Who WAS that girl? I miss her. Her name is in a history book somewhere. She was interview by Katie Couric for her role in the US's military history. She was amazing, and funny, and always plowed in head first.
After some time, I met the man that was to become my husband. Again, I just dove in. He had a little girl, and I jumped in with both feet, at the age of 19, and adopted a 3 year old. Being her step-mom wasn't good enough for me. Her biological mother had some things going on her life, so Ashleigh was going to be MINE, and I'll be damned, she still is. She has grown into a beautiful, amazing young lady. I couldn't be more proud.
In retrospect, I married too young, but it's not something I could regret! How could I? I have two amazing daughters from that marriage.
Our family had the opportunity to move to Europe... Rota, Spain. My first reaction? YES! I didn't even hesitate. When do we leave? I was so excited to face this new adventure with the people that I loved the most. It wasn't easy to sell the house that I loved. It wasn't easy saying goodbye to the people we loved here in the states. It wasn't easy living over there, and in the long run, it was the beginning of the end of our marriage... But again, I couldn't regret it! I have wonderful friends, wonderful memories from living over there! My children have memories and friends from it! Why would I regret any of those choices?
When the time was up, we all moved back to the states, and got a new house. We lived in Florida for a year before Cancer struck. But, again, being the person that I am, I faced it head on... I CAN DO THIS!! Dying was never an option that even crossed my mind. I got the phone call, then called my mother and husband, and then went shopping, just as I had planned to spend my day before I received that phone call. That little 6-letter word wasn't going to ruin that day or any day after, as far as I was concerned!
In the long run, it was the downfall of an already failing marriage, but I learned a few things. I think I would have just kept dangling on forever in that unhappy marriage if I had never had to face something harder. I firmly believe that God only sends us what we can handle, and everything happens for a reason. It also taught me how to really love something more than myself.
The day that I left my ex-husband was one of the hardest days of my life... much harder than cancer ever was for me. It wasn't hard because of leaving him. We'd fought for so long, and so hard, and so loudly, that leaving was like finally being at peace. The difficult decision was leaving my girls.
Some things should really just kill you.
I didn't want to leave them, but I had no choice. I was trying to love them more than myself, and I knew that if I really did care about them, then they should stay in the home that they knew, around the friends that they already had. Divorce was difficult enough, without being pulled up by your roots and yanked around by your mother, who herself was lost at the time. Still, to this day, I don't know if I made the right decision. But, I tried to do the right thing by them... Only to be judged for it over and over again during the past three years. My consolation? The people judging me don't know the whole story, and they have probably never had to face the same decision I had to make that day.
Regardless, I do believe that was the beginning of my slow demise. I had always known my place in the world... I was always at the front of the line. The first to try something new, while others followed me! Once I gave my girls to my ex husband, I think I rolled myself up into a cocoon and have just been dwelling day by day without any purpose in my life.
I am about to embark on a new journey, which is entirely in keeping with my character. The problem is that I haven't got the enthusiasm that all of my other journeys began with. I see the reason for the journey. I see where it will take me. I have considered the hardships that will be involved. Like a good little Libra, I've weighed all the pros and cons (which is something I never did when I was younger) and yet I'm still not excited.
Something is missing.
Everything is bland. Beige. Neutral.
This bothers me.
I do believe that at the tender age of 35, I've finally lost my zest and enthusiasm for life.
What do I do now? Come to terms with it? I'm not ok with that option. But how do I get it back? I definitely need to sit down and figure this one out before I move along much further.
My brain keeps thinking around and around in circles. I have some theories. Of course, I’ll have to think them through several more times before I decide to share those theories. I’m worried that if I make the changes that might be necessary, then some of the people that I care about will be deeply affected. Am I ready to do that? Not yet.
As a Libra, I’m also a problem-solver. Maybe I can figure out a way to find my old (younger) self again, while still holding on to the things in my life that I want the most. Can I really have it all? I’m sure experts agree that you can’t … but those experts never met me!
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