Nobody Listens

Have you ever felt like nobody hears what you are saying?
I am sure that everyone has felt like this at some point or another in their lives.
But have you felt like this all the time? I always have, my whole life. I feel just ignored and kicked aside. Useless in others' eyes.
My parents did it to me while I was growing up; my ex husband did it for the whole decade-plus that we were together; my boyfriend, kids and co workers do it to me now. No matter what the situation, if I feel like I have an idea, or something to offer to the situation, I speak up.
Invariably, whomever I am talking to will immediately dismiss me, tell me how there is "no way" my idea would work, and then continue to struggle without giving it a try. And more times than not, the person will eventually try my idea (not even aware that I had thought of it), see that it worked, and make a huge deal about how they thought of it!!
Are you kidding me right now?
I don't know if my grasp of the English language is just that bad, that I don't get my point across...
Or people these days are just so busy thinking about what they will say next that they don't even hear my input and immediately shoot it down...
Or if there is just something about me that just voids any respectability that my ideas may hold.
By no means do I consider myself a genius, but I did score a 97 on the ASVAB (military entrance exam). Just to clue you in, in order to go to Nuke School, the average ASVAB score is only an 80+. So, I'm not dumb, either.
So why do people just dismiss me no matter what? It frustrates me when I am treated like that, and then I just stop wanting anything to do with the project. I become stubborn and refuse to help. Often times, I now just step back and let the person struggle. Why try to help someone that has shown time and again that my suggestions mean nothing to them?
I don't know why exactly I wrote this post. Just to vent my frustration, I guess, as much good as it will do me!
What is it about a person (my boyfriend, for instance) that people will listen to him, but not to me? If I do not have a valid idea, I am not going to waste my time telling you about what I think.
But... these days, I think I'm done telling people what I think anyways. What is the point? Besides, it's entertaining to watch them struggle....

Life is Very Good

Do you ever just feel overwhelmed by your own life? I mean in a good way....
I have had bottom-of-the-barrel low points in my life. If it CAN go wrong, it DID. No matter what I touched, no matter how hard I tried, things just didn't work out the way I had planned/hoped.
Things have turned around! All of the pain, fear, loneliness, loss, etc. have faded into the background. I appreciate them because they are part of who I am today, but more than anything, my experiences have made me thankful. I appreciate so much more... the little things.
My life is far from perfect. I'm still nowhere near where I want to be... but I can feel the progress! I finally have a PARTNER in my life. Someone that I trust and can talk about anything with. I can finally enjoy a holiday season without the burden of worry. I can see the Christmas lights and smile... not wonder how I will find a way to buy gifts for my children. I look forward to going to sleep and waking every day with my partner by my side.
I know that while things aren't where I want them to be YET, they are indeed headed in the right direction. — feeling loved 

**********

A few years ago, I told my mom that I was "finally content" after my divorce. Unfortunately, I had content confused with happy!

In 2013, I learned that life isn't about just settling for things. If something is not making you happy, you are responsible for changing it! I did what I needed to and found the best thing ever! I am thrilled to wake up every day to see what will happen next.

I have a beautiful family, a great job, amazing friends.... I am the luckiest person on earth... and I know that 2014 will be even more awesome.

 Happy New Year to each of you. May your world be filled with happiness and goodness and love. And thank you for playing whatever part you play in my life. You are still here because you add to my happiness!!!  — feeling Amazeballs.

I Finally Get to Eat!

When I was a kid,  I loved to collect all of the frosting flowers that nobody else wanted to eat off of cakes at parties. They could keep the cake,  as long as I got to eat frosting! Then one day,  one of my family members looked at me and said,  "Someday you won't be able to eat like that."

I was crushed.

My whole life after that point, I have been paranoid about becoming obese. Heaviness runs in my family, and I see the discomfort and health issues that my loved ones face. I am aware that it would be a lot easier to keep the weight off than it would be to try to get it off later.

Because of this fear, my weight has fluctuated from 145 to 165 for the past 10 years or so... even getting as high as 175 for a briefly depressed time. My way to deal with the issue has always been to cut out sweets, eat a lot less of the healthy food, and lots of running. It works to an extent. I always manage to make it back down to 145 before I level out and I can't live another day without ice cream!

I am currently hovering around the 150-155 range. I look in the mirror and hate how I look. People "my age" are actually starting to give excuses:
◇The older you get,  the harder it is to lose. ◇We can't stay young forever.
◇Pregnancy ruins your body forever.  You'll never get it back.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I don't think of myself as old. I don't have joint problems. My bloodwork from my last physical was on point. There aren't any chronic aches or pains, so I can't see any reason why I shouldn't be able to reach my goal. It's just time for a new approach!

So, I have some friends that are into the personal trainer thing... Unfortunately, it is not within my budget. Then someone told me about Bodybuilder.com and I decided to check it out. This is a pretty cool site for someone like me, who is still pretty much a novice. It gives meal plans, 12 week workout routines with the trainer of your choice, supplement suggestions and info, countless articles and forums, and even a section to track your own progress and get to know other people on the same road... all for Free!

Yep. True story.

In addition to all of that, I have a boyfriend that wants to get himself into a healthier lifestyle, and he encourages me to do the same! For once, I don't feel like I'm by myself in this! He encourages me to go to the gym with him,  helps me learn about supplements, talks with me about exercises...

I finally feel that at the "ripe old age of almost-38," I will finally have the support and tools I need to get into the shape that I have always wanted to be in. I have never been more excited about health and nutrition than I am now!

Speaking of nutrition, this new meal plan has me eating all the time (that is how it feels). As I said, what I had done in the past included cutting way back on calories. So, what you are telling me is that I am changing my lifestyle for the better and I'm STILL ALLOWED TO EAT??

Shut the front door! I think I'm going to like this....

Just in time, too, because I just signed up for my second Tough Mudder!

Jesus, Take the Wheel

Sometimes you just need to pray. Life seems to be going just fine, and then all of a sudden, the phone rings... You take a step back and maybe reevaluate where you’re headed and how you’re getting there.

I received just such a phone call today. It turns out that a close relative of mine is having a stint put in tomorrow morning. I realize that over time, this procedure has become a "routine" thing, but routine or not, I'm still going to worry!

So, after the phone call, I hit my knees, and took some time to bow my head and have a talk with God. I know that worrying about this surgery is not going to help... in fact there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change the outcome at this point... so the only thing left was to pray.

As long as I was down on my knees, I took the time to be thankful for all of the blessings in my life, and say prayers for some of the other people that I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by. It had occurred to me that it had been far too long since I had actually just spent some time focusing on spiritual matters. I was due, and it felt good.

Then, on my way to work, I heard a song that always moves me to tears, no matter what state my life is in at the time... "Jesus Take the Wheel," by Carrie Underwood. I felt like it was a message, letting me know to just trust in Jesus, and everything will turn out ok. So, instead of stressing and worrying about my loved one tonight... I am stepping back and praying that God take care of him and keep him safe.

Anyone that is reading this, if you wouldn't mind setting a clock/alarm for 9:20am tomorrow (EST), please take a moment to say a prayer for my family member. It would mean so much to me..!! Thank you.

P.S. I've added a link to the song if you're interested...
 Jesus, Take the Wheel

Libra Characteristics and Personality

As many of you know, I love to look up my horoscope each day, just out of curiosity. I don't rearrange my life around what I read, but rather prefer it as purely entertainment. But, I thought it would be interesting to see exactly how a Libra is defined... I found this interesting...

Libra Characteristics and Personality

(September 23 - October 22)

Libra is the only zodiac symbol that's neither animal nor human -- but surely that doesn't make you any less human. In fact, Libra is among the most sociable of the signs. As scales of old were really "balances," so to do you seek balance in all that Libra does. You respond to situations with grace as Libra attempts to put others at ease. Artistically, Libra tries to balance form, content, colors and elements, and for this reason can be drawn toward creative endeavors.

The greatest balancing act is between self and others, and it is here that many Libras focus their energy. Here, in the realm of interpersonal relationships, you are a champion. Libra know how to be the charming host or hostess. Libra can sense what others want before they ask for it. And you can make the needs of others a higher priority than your own. In fact, Libra is the shuttle diplomats of the zodiac, going back and forth between the extremes until a solution is negotiated.

The Libra motto might be "To every action there is an opposite and equal reaction." It is your innate sense of cause and effect that makes you so effective as a strategist. Whether it's playing chess, relationship counseling or civic planning, you know how to be effective while staying in the middle of the road. Your easygoing attitude can serve you and others well, but don't forget that your needs cannot go totally unfulfilled or you won't have anything to give to others.

 

Element: Air

The astrological element of air represents movement. And the most efficient movement between two points is often a thought. Air signs are thinkers. They emphasize the intellect over other functions. With active minds and a good command of language, the air signs are the natural born communicators. They can be light and breezy as the breath of spring, but their words can also carry the power of a gale force wind.

 

Seventh House: Partners

If the First House represents the self, the Seventh House opposite it, represents the other. This can be a business partner, a spouse or any other type of relationship amongst equals. Most often, this is where we look to see how you relate to others in your life.

 

Key Planet: Venus

Venus is the planet of love and desire. She is in charge of romance and beauty. But Venus isn't only about physical love; she's also symbolic of the ideal love. When we see a beautiful painting or other work or art, Venus is present. She is the beauty of a rose as much as she is the attraction we have to someone we love. As the key planet of Libra, Venus is about the perception of beauty as an ideal. Here, she is the proper blend of colors, the right mix of music or the perfect poetic description of love, itself.

 

Your Biggest Strength: Your grace and charm when helping others.

 

Your Potential Weakness: Forgetting to take care of your own needs.

25 Random Things About Me...

**Because I have some free time, 25 random things you never really cared to know about me... **

1.  Outside of my kids, my dog (Dee Oh Jee) & my Jeep (Rita Wrangler) are my two most prized possessions.
2.  My favorite candy would have to be Skittles.
3.  I can still recite the 50 states in alphabetical order, after learning them in a song in elementary school.
4.  I have figured out that I am perfectly happy being single, and am in no big rush to begin yet another relationship.
5.  I have a fear that people will tire of me, (either visiting or in a relationship) so I tend to "understay" my welcome because I'm so afraid of becoming a burden or annoying. 
6.  I have, somehow, managed to never break a single bone in my body (knock on wood).
7.  I am a 5-year breast cancer survivor... 4 surgeries, a year of chemo, and 8 weeks of radiation...
8.  I figured out years ago that I don't have any natural talents in anything. I am a completely average person (I'm ok with it!!) and what I do manage to accomplish well is done after much practice and struggle. I believe I appreciate my own accomplishments more because of it.
9.  I have a constant need to prove things to myself... I want to be in the Tough Mudder race simply to prove to myself that I can do it!
10.  My taste in music is pretty random, from classical rock, to 80s & 90s, to jam bands (thanks, Chuck) to country, to Top 40.
11.  I dress up for Halloween every year no matter what... it's my favorite holiday.
12.  I am a night person... I do not do mornings if at all possible... ever.
13.  I know how to knock down and rebuild walls, drywall, lay tile, pour cement, replace windows & doors, minor plumbing & electrical work, and several other remodeling things... and if I haven't done something before, I have no problem with googling instructions and teaching myself!
14.  I have had more jobs than I can count... everything from bartending & retail, to fueling airplanes, to office management.
15.  I love spicy food. (The saying is, "There's hot, and then there's Brenda-Hot"). My absolute favorite food is Taco Soup... I love it so spicy that mere mortals break into a sweat when they enter the room.
16.  I will occasionally watch a movie, but I pretty much never sit down to watch television. I am far too busy for it.
17.  Books are important to me, and I currently live less than a mile from the local library... I love that. I also love that both of my kids are also readers.
18.  I am the baby of the family, and I exude the syndrome (pay attention to me!!!). My friends know and understand this (and cooperate accordingly).
19.  I'm constantly grateful for the number of people in my life to which I can openly say, "I love you." I'm very lucky to be surrounded by such awesomeness.
20.  If I could sell off everything I own and move anywhere in the world, it would be either Italy or Southern Spain... If I had to stay in the US, I'm leaning towards Pittsburgh. I love that place.
21.  I'm a Libra, so I have a really bad problem with thinking, rethinking, and thinking again about things. I examine every angle, consider everyone's opinion, and then begin the process all over again... I even annoy myself with it.
22.  I'm assuming that my greatest physical asset is probably my smile (aka, dimples)... that is what I'm complimented on the most often... Personally, though, I think I have cute feet! lol.
23.  My greatest desire is to find a way to support myself while still being able to travel all over the world and try new things/meet new people/discover new cultures.
24.  I'm one of the strongest people I know, which can get me into trouble.  I am usually so hell-bent on being strong that I don't have enough sense to actually ask for help when it is needed.
25.  I'm constantly trying to find (and hold onto) my own inner peace & happiness. I make a conscious effort to find the positive in something, especially if it seems like a negative situation.

A Glance Back

Well, I've started writing this post 3 or 4 times now. I know what I want to say, but for some reason, I'm not able to get it out the way I want. So, rather than get wordy and philosophical... I'll just lay it out there.

I've looked over my blogs from the past year.
I've come a long way...
I'm a happier, healthier person.

I'd like to go into more detail about the people that have been in my life over the past year, helping me get to where I am now, but as I've said... I really just can't find the right words.

Let me just say that I am grateful. I appreciate everyone in my life.

I know that I am exactly where I need to be.

The biggest thing I've learned is that sometimes things happen for a reason. Even if we don't know what that reason may be, God usually has a bigger plan for us! I lost my job in October. In the long run, he meant me to be exactly where I am right now.

He knows what we need, even when we don't.

Life is absolutely good.

Our Brains are Melting

I read an article on Yahoo.com recently, discussing the health issues and the shortened lifespans related to people that sit on the couch, watching television much of the time. It turns out that the old rule of only 30 minutes of exercise a day, really doesn't make much difference, if all of the rest of the person's free time is sitting... either at a computer at work, or a television at home.

I only have one thing to say about this article: DUH!! They act like this was breaking news or something!

I've been telling people for years that TV rots their brain. It's one thing to read a book, fiction/non-fiction, trashy, mystery, whatever... it encourages your brain to be active and inspires creativity. But television? It does absolutely all of the work for you... you don't need to be creative and imagine what the room, or character, or sounds, or whatever else, might be like. They do it all for you! All you have to do is sit there and give your thumb a remote control workout because there are 900+ channels with absolutely nothing on!

Good thing you dish out that $80/month or however much cable is costing these days...

I, personally, have not paid for cable in years. I was dating a guy for 4 years, and I think he chose to pay to have it at our house for about 2 of those years... I didn't have it before he came along and I don't have it now. I just don't see any point in getting wrapped up in it. I can say that when we did have cable at our house, I was a much less active person, had fewer friends, and my health/eating habits were much worse.

I believe that television lowers your quality of life. If you are constantly glued to a TV, then you are not playing with your children. You are not discussing the day's events with your partner. You are not getting exercise with your dog. There are so many better ways to spend your time, than by sitting on the couch watching the "Boob Tube!"

I am not trying to be judgmental here. I do understand that people often have it on as "back ground noise" and it's always good to watch the news to keep up with current events. I also understand the concept of snuggling with your kids and “vegging” on a movie on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The problem that we're looking at here, is the people that go to work, and the minute they walk in the door, they throw their stuff down, sink into the couch with a bag of chips and a soda, and glare mindlessly at the bright colors flashing before them in some sort of hypnotic trance until 10 or 11 o'clock at night. Then, they get up, brush their teeth, and go to bed... often times with a different television running in the bedroom "so they can sleep."

These are the people that need to get out more!

I own a television... It is currently unplugged, sitting on top of a plastic bin full of old photos, shoved in a corner on top of my dresser. I do not have cable, there isn't a Wii or other video game connected to it, or even a DVD player. The reason is because unless I'm sleeping, I am rarely home! I work full time, I run, I go to the gym, I visit the beach, I go to my friend's houses for pool parties and BBQ's... I find things to do that require social interaction!

Recently, a friend at work was talking about being depressed and gaining weight, and somehow, the conversation turned to television. I mentioned to him my situation where my TV isn't even plugged in, and that I am forced to find alternative ways to entertain myself. So, he created a challenge for himself, and said that he would unplug his television for 30 days, just to see how his lifestyle changes.

Whenever I see him at work, he tells me how things are going. It has now been over three months! During the first month, he said he often was tempted to plug it in "just for an hour or so" but he resisted. Over time, he found that he went back to things that he used to enjoy doing, like playing basketball and riding his bike. He also said that his house was cleaner, he reconnected with friends that he hadn't talked to in a while, and his mood and depression were even lifting. Also, because of his more active lifestyle, he was losing some weight and felt healthier.

My friend has figured out something that I've known for years. There are so many benefits to living without television! The only negative aspect of it is that when people start talking about movie trailers, new television shows, or whatever... neither of us have absolutely any idea what they are talking about!! But, I’m ok with that, and I think he is as well.

Somebody Bring Me Some Food!

So, I started Mid-Check today at work. I feel like I have jet lag already, and my shift isn't even over! It's not even 2am, which is funny, because when I was working nights, I routinely stayed awake until 2am or even later... I believe this shop just sucks all the fun out of being up late! lol. My answer to this jet lag feeling is 5 hour energy drinks at night, and melentonin (natural sleep aid) in the daytime... I'm not sure it's the healthiest way to go about it, but it's the best plan that I could think of.

Not really much to talk about today... I am mostly trying to kill some time, since I managed to finish the book that I was reading about 30 minutes ago, and I ran out of things to look at on Facebook. Nobody is posting, because everyone I know is in bed!

In other news, I had Carley for a whole 2 weeks... It was awesome, and she was finally able to spend some quality time with Jannian's kids, since they are here visiting as well. She was excited to go back to her Dad's house, though, because they are getting ready to go to South Carolina for a beach vacation. I'm very happy for her and I hope they have a wonderful time!

Ashleigh seems to still be doing well. I don't hear a lot from her. She's like me... doesn't call home very much, so no news is good news. But, she did text me for a few minutes earlier today, and it sounds like she is skipping the trip to SC to meet up with her Dad's side of the family, but is hoping to plan a trip down to Florida soon. That makes me happy, because it's been too long since I've seen her!!

I guess that's about it for now... Nothing new or exciting in my life happening currently, and no major thought processes that I feel compelled to share. Most likely, I'll post this, and end up deleting it in a week or so, seeing as it is most definitely NOT one of my best blogs...

Have a wonderful night, friends... and Somebody Bring Me Some Food! (I should note that I did bring in a freezer dinner to eat, but I mostly want to snack... because I'm bored... I am going to have to find a way to relieve this boredom if I'm going to stay on this shift! Eating is not the answer! lol)

A Shift in the Force

Something really needs to be said for women's intuition... I don't know if every woman is as in-tune to theirs as much as I am, but when I have a gut feeling, I've found that it's best to listen to it.

Sometimes, when I meet someone new, I'll get a funny vibe from them that nobody else around seems to pick up on. I will say something later about it... and inevitably, they will show their true colors and I will say, "See? I knew there was something about them!" It has happened often enough that my close friends have begun to really pay attention!

So, I recently had an usual gut feeling. As many of you know, my ex husband went on deployment and of course I didn't know when he was coming back. I didn't know how long he was going to be gone or anything.

It was the morning of Carley's 5th grade graduation, and I had spent the night at my friend's house, since she was going to the graduation with me. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, and I felt what could only be described as "A Shift in the Force." I walked out of the bathroom (toothbrush still in hand) and looked at Jessica and said, "He's back." I had no reason to think he was, and I don't normally think about him while doing mundane tasks like brushing my teeth. Somehow, he popped into my head, and I KNEW he was back! She said I was crazy, and we finished getting ready.

Sure enough, we got to Carley's graduation, and who do you think was sitting there? Yup, you guessed it! I have no idea how I knew, but I was 100% sure that he had come back. Apparently, he had just returned the night before.

So, in a somewhat related note (pertaining to my ex)... I have recently come to peace with my past (I know, you're thinking, "It's about time! It's only been 5 years!!"). But, at one point, I loved this guy with everything in me. I loved him from the topmost hair on my head, to my finger tips and toenails. He was my whole world, and I was wonderfully happy. Unfortunately, things didn't work out, and we both turned our love for each other into hatefulness and bitterness. It has taken me a long time to work past it, but I believe I have. I'm no longer angry. I am happy with how my life is turning out, and I have forgiven him for any pain that was caused on his end of our marriage.

Sitting at Carley's graduation, I looked over and realized how unhappy he looked. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with jet lag, but this was how I was seeing him. For a long time, I was upset because I felt that he had gotten the best years of my life... My youth! Anyone that knows me, knows that I am more than aware that I only get one life to live. I want to make the very best of it and enjoy it to my absolute fullest that I possibly can. It angered me that I'd spent 13 years of my life with him, just to end up so angry and bitter!

But, considering that I'd recently lost 35 pounds, and in better shape than I have been in a long  time, and am generally happy with myself... I looked over at him and just felt sad. I think the story goes the other way. I feel that I actually stole his best years... I feel sad for him. Talking to him after the graduation, I could still see anger and hatefulness in his eyes. All I can think is that I wish I could help him to let it go. I wish he could find peace and move forward with his life. I don't know how he will, but I hope he does. I know that I have.

I can now honestly say that I really do wish nothing but the best for him. I know that when he wants to be, he can be a very kind and caring person. I know that he will never direct that kindness towards me, but I’m ok with that. I just pray that someday, he can find his inner peace because carrying around this bitterness is so unhealthy, and it spills over into the people around him. Our children feel it and it pushes them away from him. I don’t know if he will ever realize it, but I see it every day.

I hope he figures it out before it is too late. I have actually begun to say a prayer for his peace every now and then… mostly because I love my children and want them to have their dad in their lives for a long time… but I think a part of it is because I did love him so very much at one point in my life.

Life Comes Full Circle

When I left Jacksonville, as many of you know, it was about a year after my divorce. I had no money, and working two jobs wasn't even enough. In addition, my ex was very angry and bitter (and so was I), and I had felt like he had alienated pretty much all of our friends from me. It was a low point in my life.

I thought there was no one left, so I moved with Chuck, to get away, and try to start over.

Recently, it has been drawn to my attention, how much life really does come full circle. One of the coolest things that I learned while being in the military, is how small the world actually is. I can recall sitting at the Daiquiri Palace in Palma, Spain, having a conversation with someone that I had never met... and finding out that he was from my same small home town, and graduated two years before me! We ended up having a conversation about our high school football coach!

My dad told me a story once about him and my mom going to the Grand Ole Oprey in Nashville on vacation, and he knew people that were sitting in a row nearby!

My ex husband ran into a guy that he went to Marine boot camp with in Rota, Spain... 12 years later!

So, it should be no big surprise when, after leaving Jacksonville, I move back and am constantly running into people that keep saying how much they missed me and have often wondered what had happened to me… and yet it does surprise me… EVERY TIME! I had no idea that my life had touched so many.

I found that I wasn't happy in Georgia, either.. and have since figured out that my happiness was inside of me the whole time, and I just didn't realize it. Life is what you make of it! So, I moved back, found my happiness, and am enjoying being single. I am surrounded by amazing, wonderful friends, who have my back no matter what! I often run into people that I knew when I was still in the Navy, I run into people that I knew while bartending and I run into people that I just knew from wherever. It is amazing how often I hear people say that I was missed and that they wondered how I was!

So, I just wanted to write this blog about how funny it is that life does turn full circle. I am so glad to be surrounded by wonderful people that still love me and care for me, even after not seeing them in years! We can pick right up where we left off and I am constantly being invited to be a part of their lives in some way or another. I do not have words to say how much it is appreciated! To say that I feel loved and cherished is an understatement.

Thank you to all of you that are a part of my life... whether you were, and no longer are... or if you've recently come back into my life... or if you've been there as a part of it all along. People come and go… but God brings back the ones that you need, when you need them. I wouldn't be the person that I am today, without all of you!!

I am a survivor... and I'm not talking about cancer here. I am surviving LIFE! I wouldn't be surviving nearly as well without each and every one of you there to back me up, though. So, THANK YOU, no matter what part you play.

I am so fortunate to have you in my life.

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Tough Mudder

Lately, my whole Breast Cancer ordeal has been weighing on my mind. I am not completely sure why, but it has been consuming more of my though process than it usually does. So, I have decided to do something about it.

I have always been a very stubborn, pig headed person... just ask my parents. I generally did what I wanted to in the long run, no matter how much it was going to get me in trouble later. I'm sure they were pulling their hair out while trying to raise a teenage Brenda! But I know that my stubbornness is what helped me survive the darkest year of my life, and the very difficult following 5 years.

But, finally, in more ways than one, I am a survivor. This survivor status has left me with a residual problem. I have an overwhelming urge to prove things to myself. I don't look in the mirror and see anything extraordinary, but I feel like God has left me on this earth for a reason. I'm not saying I'm destined for fame or fortune, or planning to go into Christian Ministry... but I feel I was left for a reason. I used to feel it was because my children needed me so much. But, as they get older, I believe I need them more than they need me now! I have more recently come to realize that God granted me more time to learn to really appreciate the life that I have! Live it to the fullest! Challenge myself and see what I can make of it!!

As many of you may know, back in November, I began running and dieting, and have managed to lose a bit of weight and am now going to the gym 4-5 times a week. My initial goal was to be able to run a 5K, since I was barely able to run even one mile. Well, I can do a 5K, and am planning on doing two of them in the next two months.

So, now that I have met that challenge, what's next? I have a short attention span, so I need something that will keep me feeling challenged and interested. So, after talking to some friends, my next big challenge is the Tough Mudder challenge. Check out the website... I am super excited about setting up a team and challenging myself by training and finishing these races.

I realize that it is unlikely that I (aka my team) will actually win the whole thing, but it is extremely important to prove to myself that I can finish it! There is one in Tampa in December, and then they are coming to Jacksonville in May of next year. I fully intend to take part in both of these challenges... not to prove anything to anyone else, but to prove to myself that I survived cancer for a reason. I survived because God loves me and wants me to realize my own competitive nature and self worth!

So, to sum it up:
I'm thinking of a team of 4-6 people...
We need people that are tough... Physically, but even more importantly, Mentally!
Team players, willing to do what needs to be done to get the whole group through the challenge.
People that are willing to put training and team-time into getting ready for these events.

I've already had several people say they would do it, but there is only so much room on a team. I love my friends, however, and I really feel like our team needs to be made of the most reliable, mentally tough people that I know. Since there is limited space, and you still feel like you want to do it, definately create your own team! I would love to have personal (friendly) challenges as part of the race! It would add a whole new element, and making it even more fun!!

Training starts Monday for me... and the first challenge is in Tampa, FL, on Dec. 1st... That leaves me with only 225 days to get ready!!

Hi, People!

Hey, everyone! I didn't realize that it had been so long since I blogged! I don't have a laptop at my house, I'm not about to even try to blog on my phone, and I rarely get on the computers at work... Time flies!!

So, let me see what I've been up to... I'm looking at a likely move from the tool room at work to the PR Shop (survival equipment). As many of you know, that was what I did while I was in the Navy. This move will help me out tremendously, and I'm really excited about the opportunity!!

I have also been going to the gym and trying to train myself for running 5k's. I am a terrible runner (think drunk duck) and so this has been a challenge for me. I have managed to lose just over 20 pounds, and have actually gotten to the point that I look forward to going to the gym and miss it on days that I don't. I will be running a 5k in May for Breast Cancer research, and one on the beach (in the sand!!) in June for Life Choices that encourage people to be aware of preventing Brain Bleeds, Heart Attacks and stroke. This new "hobby" is something I feel is good for me, and when I take part in the races, I am helping out a good cause. So, it's a win-win!!

Ashleigh is still in Georgia. She's doing very well for herself. She had a rough patch for about a month, but she's very strong, and has made it through. The transmission in her car had gone out, so she stayed with a friend from work for a while so that she could save up money. She finally just sold the car, since it would cost her more to fix it than it was worth. She ended up getting herself a cute 2010 Nissan Sentra, so she has entered the world of car payments... My little girl is growing up so fast!!

In addition, she has been able to move from her friend's house to a different place. As it turns out, she made friends with someone that works for Siemens, and he does a lot of traveling. He needed someone to live at the house and take care of it and his two dogs while he was out of town. Ashleigh was in the right place at the right time, and is now living in a beautiful home, rent free! This is an excellent opportunity for her, and I'm very excited!!

Carley is doing great. All the kids in Florida are doing their annual FCAT testing this week, so I went today and had lunch with her. She said that she has a really good feeling about her tests so far, which is great. I am so excited about moving down here because I get to see her all the time! Even without having a lot of money, Jacksonville is an amazing place to live, that is always offering inexpensive or free things for families with children. Even when there is nothing going on, we make it out to the beach or to a friend's pool when we can.

Chuck, unfortunately, is still in Georgia. He doesn't seem to be having luck finding work down here, but he does manage to visit about once a month or so. He is really missed, but I know that when the time is right, something really great will come up for him.

I am still staying with my friend, Tammy, and we have my dog, her two turtles, and an albino ferrett... plus her two girls, and Carley much of the time. We have a house full... and it is wonderful! I couldn't ask for a better roommate. I am grateful for everything that she has done to help me out and I appreciate her company on the weekends. We rarely see eachother during the week, since she works days and I work nights. That works out well, though, so we don't drive eachother crazy! lol

I guess that's about it for now. Everything seems to be going in the right direction for the first time in a long time. I am not only happy, I am content. It is a really, really good feeling!!

...And I'll try not to wait so long to update again!! lol

Update

I guess it's been a while since I've updated... life has been busy! Still plugging away at the job... still working on getting into the other shop! I won't stop until the big boss sits me down and tells me to quit. :o) I'm persistent if nothing else!

Lately, it's been the usual military run-around regarding paperwork. I don't have a base access card yet, so I can't get a decal for the jeep. SO, every 30 days, I have to go wait in that crazy line and get a new temporary pass... The government hasn't changed a bit! lol.

In other news, I was invited to a Super Bowl party by a friend that I knew when I lived in Spain... hadn't seen him in seven long years! It was nice to see a friendly face again. When I went to the party, I had planned to leave by half-time, because I didn't know anyone there except him. BUT, they all turned out to be a really great group of people and look forward to hanging with them again sometime. I haven't laughed so hard in ages!

Carley is doing great. She was over last weekend, and we saw "Joyful Noise" with Tammy and her girls. Then, on Sunday, we enjoyed Lexi's 11th birthday party. Only 6 more weeks until my baby is 11 now! She's growing so fast, and becomes smarter and more beautiful every single day. I am so proud of my girls!!

Ash is still plugging away at school and work. The transmission in her car went out, so she has been pulling extra shifts to make enough money to get it fixed. Meanwhile, she is relying on the kindness of Chuck's family and her friends. My family is so fortunate to be surrounded by such kind, loving people!

Otherwise, I'm enjoying being in Jacksonville. I miss Ashleigh, Chuck & all of the Lamphere family, but I still firmly believe this is the best decision I could've made. I have a good job, and I get to see Carley on a regular basis. She has always needed her Mom in her life, and I feel so much better about being here! I won't have her this weekend, but I am taking her lunch at school on Thursday, and we're planning a trip up to Georgia to visit everyone on President's Day weekend.

I guess that's about it. Hope everyone is doing great!!

Every Little Thing is Gonna be Alright

So... here i am in jacksonville! Things are going well. I am staying with an old friend that has 2 little girls, so carley has friends to play with whenever she's over. My friend is every bit as broke as me, so we find inexpensive things for them to do... crafts, dvd's & popcorn, going to the park, window shopping... i'm thinking of visiting the flea market w/ the kiddo this wkend.

The job is going well. I'm on nights, which works for me. That first week of getting up at 4am was killing me!! Lol. Now i'm on 3 to 11:30 pm. I like that a lot better. I'm still working on getting into the line shack. It's better pay, and a lot less boring. The tool room at night isn't exactly bursting with excitement! Don't get me wrong, i'm thrilled to have a job, but anyone that knows me, knows that i am persistant. If i want something (ie., better pay) then i will work hard to get it.

In other news, Ash's car broke down the other day. It sounds like it could be the transmission. Still waiting on the official verdict from the mechanic. If that's what the problem is, we have to figure out what she will do. Lord knows i can't buy her a car or get that one fixed! She called me in a panic, overwhelmed by the whole thing this morning. I don't blame her. This is the first real thig she's had to deal with as an adult w/out me or her dad being right there to help her. It's tough, but i gave her the whole "it will all work itself out in time" speech. I'll keep everyone updated.

Finally, i would like to apologize for all of the spelling, grammar & punctuation errors that this post is riddled with. I don't have access to a computer, so i am typing on a touch-screen. I havr the fat-finger disease, so this is difficult. That is why i waited so long to post in the first place!

Anyways, hope all is well with everyone else!

Looking Ahead

As I browse through my Home Page of Facebook, I am surprised by how many people have commented about what a bad year 2011 was, and how much they are looking forward to starting anew in the coming year. Like my friends, I am also looking forward to 2012, perhaps more than I do most New Years.

I am moving back to Jacksonville, which is exciting for me. When  I left, I never thought I would miss that place, but it really does feel like home to me. You never know what you have until you don't have it anymore, I guess!

I am starting a new job on the 9th of January, and I am really looking forward to getting out of the customer service/answering the phones/office type work. Just because it's something I'm good at doesn't mean it's something  I enjoy doing! :o)

I don't know what the year will bring to my relationship status. I am well aware that long distance relationships are difficult. It is really up in the air, and that is the sad part of this coming year. I can't help but wonder if I will be ringing in 2013 with Chuck. I really hope that I do, but if he decides  that moving to Jacksonville (away from his family and job) isn't right for him, then  I can't blame him. I am asking a lot.

On the flip side, however, I have my girls. This is the opportunity for Ash to be parent-free for a while. Right now, the plan is for her to stay in Georgia to finish this next semester of school, and then move down to Florida with me in the Spring. This will give me time to find a place to live and get settled. It will also give her time to decide if moving to Florida is really right for her, or if she is finally ready to be out on her own.

As far as Carley, this move will provide the opportunity for me to see her a lot more often! I am so excited to be back into her every day life. Swing by and have lunch with her at school, see her on the weekends, take her to dinner after school sometimes, or whatever. This is the biggest thing that has been missing in my life. Yeah, I know Ash has been living with me for nearly 2 years now, but it's not the same. She's very independent and mature. She doesn't need me nearly as much as Carley still does. So, I believe more than anything that I am making the right choice right now.

Finally, I have gained about 20 pounds since I've lived in Georgia, and since I'm changing everything else in my life, I'm taking this opportunity to incorporate healthy habits (working out and eating better) into my new lifestyle. My first step was quitting smoking back in May... Now for Phase II: lose that extra baggage that I'm carrying around. Over the past month or so, I've developed a bit of an online support group, by keeping in constant contact with other friends that are trying to do the same thing. I love my cheering section, and I love being a part of theirs!!

Overall, 2012 looks like an exciting and promising year, and I am looking forward to my next new adventure! Here's hoping that your coming year is everything that you hope it will be as well!!

Moving to Jacksonville

Well, I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas! Chuck, the girls, and I went up and visited with my family in Michigan. It was so awesome to enjoy the holiday at home for a change. I enjoyed seeing everyone again!!

Now it's time to begin my next "Big Adventure." This week, Carley and I will be going through the things in our storage unit, and deciding what to pack now to take to Florida, and what will go down once I have a place of my own. Right now, I'm mostly just looking at clothes and any important paperwork. Other than that, I have to straighten out my insurance information, mailing address (how do I do that when I don't know what my address will be??), and so on. I do not like moving, but I am excited to be back in Florida, near Carley again. I've missed her.

For all of you that have asked about Chuck and Ashleigh... I've decided to keep them both... (regardless of the ongoing joke between Chuck & I about my dumping him the minute I hit the state boarder).

They will be staying in Georgia, while I forge ahead and look for provisions... lol. Actually, it's easier if I go by myself and stay on people's couches than bombard someone with all three of us, plus my dog (and probably my cat). So, once I get started working, I will save up some money and get a place to live. Then, I'll have Ash come down and she can get back into school and find a new job. Meanwhile, Chuck will also be looking for a new job, and doesn't want to quit his old one and move until a new one is found.

We have talked about moving back in together, but since we moved in so quickly when we met (for financial reasons), we might decide to get our own places for a while. There isn't anything wrong with our relationship, but we both agree that we never actually had the "space" we may have needed after both getting out of long-term relationships. This is still up in the air. We might find that the distance between us for a couple of months will be all we need... Who knows?

As far as the animals... My cat is currently at Ash's friend's house and she has requested that we take Pandora with us once I find a place. That's fine... I would love to have her back!! Also, Dee-Oh-Jee will, of course, also go back to Florida once I get settled....

Thank Goodness for Chuck's family!! AW and MW... Thank you so much for letting us stay as long as we have, and for allowing my kid continue to crash at your house and for my dog staying, too, for just a couple more months!! I love you guys!!!

Change of Plans

Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield.

Yesterday, unbeknownst to me, I became the bug.

I got up and got ready for my job, just like I do every day.
Shower, dress, pour the coffee, drive in, start up the computers, and... BAM!
The next thing I know, I don't have a job any more.
Their reasoning?

"Failure to adhere to corporate accounting policies."

What in the hell does that mean?
If there was a problem, wouldn't I have been told, or questioned, or reprimanded, or ...SOMETHING??
I received nearly a dollar pay raise over the past year, and had never been written up for anything.
I didn't see this coming.

Then, I got to thinking...
I am scheduled to start taking part in the company's profit sharing program on Tuesday... Nov. 1st.
Could that have anything to do with it?
I have no idea.

All I had was some lame excuse, and a boot out the door.

Then, I talked to my ex-boss today, and I find out that there has all of a sudden been a lot of activity at the branch where I worked. I won't go into too much detail, because the rest doesn't directly apply to me, and I don't want to air everyone else's business... but come to find out, some of it is actually linked back to when John tried to commit suicide!!

Are you kidding me??

That was months ago.

I wish I could call him right now and tell him how he as affected everyone else's lives around him.

So, I'm over that place. Even if they were to call me right now and offer my job back, I would not be interested.
I don't want to work for a company that fires people for no good reason.
I am not interested in working for a company that does not have honor, courage and commitment.
If the military taught me anything, it was that.

If I am anything at all, I am resilient. I will make the best of this situation.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

I will take this opportunity to find a position that offers me the opportunity to move up in a company.
That was not a possibility at my old job.
I will find something that offers me the opportunity to make something more of myself.

Meanwhile, until this new career shows up, I will be making efforts to get more involved in my community.
I will be going to help out with a Habitat for Humanity build tomorrow.

I believe it's time to stir up a little good Karma...

Finding Myself

Have you ever just stopped everything and looked around?

I don't mean that you look at the things inside the room that you're in. I mean, actually take inventory of your life. Sometimes, you just have to consider what is happening, and make any necessary adjustments. "Tweak" your situation, if you will.

Recently, I've come to one of those places in my life. I've had a problem with being "happy" lately. I refuse to consider that I might be depressed, and I do not want to go on any medication for this. That was how I dealt with my life when I was married. I'm done with that approach.

So, I've decided to make changes, and FIND my happiness....

I started this blog, because I was moving out of the traditional home, rent, utilities, etc. lifestyle, and working to catch up on the bills in my life. This all seemed like a good idea, had I been able to do things my way. The problem is that when you're in a relationship, you make compromises with the one you love. He did not want to live in a tent... so we ended up living with his sister. I'm unhappy about this situation, because now we're not paying bills, and she has more. How is that right? So, I tried it for about 2 1/2 months, and it still is not sitting well with me.

I'm moving out.

Chuck and I moved in together shortly after we had met, because we were able to financially support each other. We both acknowledged that it was way too early in our relationship for such a move... however, it turned out great for us! We get along wonderfully, and we're the best of friends. Four years later, we still laugh at the same stuff, enjoy the same movies, and so on....

*But*

When we met, it was right after both of us got out of long-term relationships... and we never got our "me" time before moving in with each other. I need that time. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say that he probably does, too.

Now, nobody panic... Chuck and I are NOT breaking up. If anything, my planning this move has made us even closer, because I've discussed my feelings and thoughts with him, and he understands where I am coming from. How could I not love him for being so kind and understanding… and SUPPORTIVE!

So, Ashleigh and I are moving into an apartment together, and Chuck and I will “date” like we should have to start with. It’s going to be really tough, with my paying child support and Ash not having a hugely well-paying job… but we can do this. Besides, I know that if I ever really do need help, I can ask for it. I have a lot of friends that are willing to be there for me.

So, it’s not the adventure that I wanted when I started writing this blog, but it is a new chapter in my life. I will be going back to “Minimum Payment Hell” but maybe it will give me the opportunity to sit back and remember who Brenda is... And then, when Chuck and I do decide to move back in with each other, it won’t be for financial reasons, and our relationship can be stronger because we’re both happy with ourselves first.