No. I'm Not Ok

Walking through work, people are so kind. They extend a heartfelt, "How are you doing?" Implying, how am I since I lost my dog.
My response... smile and say, "I am doing ok. Thank you for asking."
Inside my head, though, all I can do is scream,

"NO, I AM NOT OK! I AM SAD AND LOST AND LONELY AND I FEEL ABANDONED!!"

But nobody wants to hear that...

I alternate between missing him and being angry that he left me. Then, I feel bad for being mad at him, because I know he never would leave me on purpose...

My emotions are out of control. I feel like I will never be happy again. I am ok one second, then angry the next, then crying after that! By the time I go through all of these emotions, people don't want to be anywhere near me.... and I can't blame them. I don't want to be near myself!!

I just want to be able to come to terms with this loss, and look at all the great memories I have that everyone keeps reminding me of. But I'm trapped.

I don't know how long it will take, and I wish people understood that... instead of just expecting me to be ok.

Dogs and Stress

Let's get down to brass tacks here. Truth be told, I merely tolerate most people on my very best days. Somehow, my dog has always calmed me and helped me to be at least more patient, if not friendly.

Without him, I am a jerk.

Since he passed last week, I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with life's little tasks. I had no idea how much Dee Oh Jee really did reduce my stress levels.

I am a normally high stress/worrier anyways. I stress over money, my kids, what my boyfriend thinks of me, work, cleaning the house, why friends don't call, that weird mole on my back... You name it.

I am a Libra, which means I have the capacity to think something to death, then start over and think about it again. Once a negative thought pops into my head, no matter how warranted it may or may not be, I can't unthink it. Sometimes I think I'm crazy because I can't get thoughts out of my head. It's hard to let go.

Knowing this, I try really hard to just get past it and not say a word about it to anyone. No point in starting some crazy situation over some trick my brain is playing.

Since the loss of my pet, however, I have found the negative thoughts getting louder and more frequent. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and am hurting people that I care about over stupid tricks that my mind is playing. I can't seem to control it.

So, you may ask... why not just get another dog? Problem solved, right?

Because I don't want another dog. My last one was irreplaceable. He understood me. We had a long history. Cancer, my divorce, depression, moving over state lines, camping & hiking, car rides....

Any other animal would be just that. Something else. Can you just replace a friend with another person? Of course not. Same with dogs.

Somehow, I am going to have to learn to deal with life on my own. I need to figure out this whole tolerance thing without his help. I haven't got a plan for that yet. Meanwhile, I may need to duct tape my mouth shut in public, and lock me in the bathroom like a bad pet while at home.

The worst part... other than this blog, I have no one to talk to. To everyone else in the world, it was "just a dog," so they think I should be ok by now. People close to me just expect me to resume life as usual. My boyfriend is tired of hearing about it. He hasn't said as much, but you know how people act.

So here I am. In my hateful little bubble with a black cloud floating over my head. Alone. Without my best friend. Heartbroken and angry....

RIP Dee Oh Jee

I had to put my beautiful dog to sleep the other night. He had cancer, and he was at the point where they couldn't save him.

I am heartbroken. I'm learning how nearly every aspect of my day at the house revolved around him. Getting out of bed to let him out in the mornings, I am careful of where I step, so I don't step on him.... and then realize he is no longer there.
Leaving for work, we close the bedroom door, move the blanket off the couch, make sure there is food and water for him, and open the door to let him outside.... all without even thinking about it.
I walk into the kitchen and glance down, expecting him to be there with his big brown eyes, floppy lopsided ears up, and an expectant look on his face.... but he isn't there.

I feel hollow, empty inside.

He was 12 years old, and was my best friend.
He listened intently and hung on my every word no matter what was happening in my life.
He let me hug him close when I had a bad day, never minding if my tears landed on his soft fur, letting me plant kisses right between his eyes.
He followed me around the house like a shadow, and nudged the bathroom door open to make sure the hair dryer never won our morning battle.
He snuggled when I didn't feel well, barked for treats when I was too slow, and played mediator when people got too noisy in the house.
He was a gentle soul who never hurt anyone. I've even seen him allow a toddler to pull on handfuls of his fur at the park, and he just looked at the child with love.
He loved hiking in the woods (peeing on everything he could get close to), and camping (because he always got food scraps).
He did not like being in water. The beach, baths, rain, or any other reason to get wet.... He just never understood the need for it!

He loved belly rubs, ear scratches, and always managed to give you a kiss for it.

He slept on a Dora the Explorer blanket, snuggled my flip flops, and sneaked onto the couch when we weren't at home.

And he loved the kids. I can't tell you how many times I have argued with the 2 year old about whose dog he really was.

Now we have to break this terrible news to the children. I don't even know where to begin...

My favorite story is how people would ask what kind of dog he was. I would look them in the eye and say, "a Miniature Retriever."
Of course, there is no such thing... but people are funny. Either you hear someone honestly confess that they had never heard of one, or suddenly they have some distant friend or relative that also has one....

But really... he was Mine. He came from Spain, and managed to push his way into my heart when I didn't want a dog, and didn't think I needed one. Turns out, I needed him more that I thought...

Someday, my heart will stop hurting, but I will always love him for what he brought into my life.... compassion, patience, and love....

Three Days Left

Well, we're slowly getting everything packed and moved out. We got rid of a lot of stuff when we had the yard sale, and now we're just separating things into three categories: Storage Unit, Monica's (with us) and Goodwill.

Our current plan of action is to stay with Chuck's family for a few months until a few things are straightened out:

First, we will have the child support hearing and hopefully get all of that mess fixed.
Second, we expect to have the Bank of America loan settled by September 23rd.
Then, after those things, we are planning to just pile money onto the other bills that we have.

Chuck wants to keep this up for a whole year, but I am against taking advantage of his sister and brother-in-law's hospitality for that long. My original plane was to camp out for a lot of the time, so we're not taking up space in someone's home. But, things do get changed. My other problem is that I have a jeep that gets about 15 miles per gallon, and I drive an hour to work when we live out there! I might as well be paying rent somewhere, because I'm looking at $100+/week in gas alone!

But, my goal is to just make it to my birthday. I would like us to at least start looking for a place by the beginning of October. I really would like to be rent-free for a year, but we don't have a really good place to stay for that long. As wonderful as Chuck's family is, their home really is not large enough for Chuck & I, plus Ashleigh, and my Dog... and Carley when she comes for visits.

But, again, I need to step into the one-day-at-a-time mode in order to get through this. At least we're getting things paid off so that by the time we do get a place again, hopefully it won't be so bad. Maybe we could actually afford to enjoy life again! :o)

So, otherwise, Ashleigh's friend is taking my cat. I'm very sad that she has to go. I feel guilty for getting rid of her, but hopefully, she will be happy in this new place. We shall see. If nothing else, maybe I can get her back after we have our own place again.

I guess that's about it for now. I have to work at Michael's on Thursday, so we're actually planning to be out of the house on Wednesday. We are packing up the computer, but I will still have my computer at work. I just won't be on here much at night, or on the weekends. Take care for now!