So Many Questions.

I got a phone call today.
The memories came flooding back.
It all seems too familiar.

I ran and ran until the crying stopped,
Trying to outrun the terror.
Gasping for air, I made my way home.

I took a shower after,
To cry and cry some more.
I sat on the floor, begging for help.
But no one came,
So I cried again.

I drove to work.
Spent the shift pretending
There was no call at all.
There was no panic in the shower.
Life moves forward.
Nobody can know.

Don't tell anyone.
It makes them uncomfortable.
They don't know what to say,
So they say it's probably not true.

Or they change the conversation
To themselves.

My fear is tossed aside
In order to make them feel better.
They try not to think about it.
I've been here before.
I know this game.
Until I have answers,
I have no answers.

They downplay my feelings.
My fears are tossed aside.
It's easier than talking.

Meanwhile, I continue to type.
Only this notebook listens.
Only it can hear my pain and see my fear.
Only I can wait for my own fate.

The clock ticks on while I wait.

Dogs and Stress

Let's get down to brass tacks here. Truth be told, I merely tolerate most people on my very best days. Somehow, my dog has always calmed me and helped me to be at least more patient, if not friendly.

Without him, I am a jerk.

Since he passed last week, I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with life's little tasks. I had no idea how much Dee Oh Jee really did reduce my stress levels.

I am a normally high stress/worrier anyways. I stress over money, my kids, what my boyfriend thinks of me, work, cleaning the house, why friends don't call, that weird mole on my back... You name it.

I am a Libra, which means I have the capacity to think something to death, then start over and think about it again. Once a negative thought pops into my head, no matter how warranted it may or may not be, I can't unthink it. Sometimes I think I'm crazy because I can't get thoughts out of my head. It's hard to let go.

Knowing this, I try really hard to just get past it and not say a word about it to anyone. No point in starting some crazy situation over some trick my brain is playing.

Since the loss of my pet, however, I have found the negative thoughts getting louder and more frequent. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and am hurting people that I care about over stupid tricks that my mind is playing. I can't seem to control it.

So, you may ask... why not just get another dog? Problem solved, right?

Because I don't want another dog. My last one was irreplaceable. He understood me. We had a long history. Cancer, my divorce, depression, moving over state lines, camping & hiking, car rides....

Any other animal would be just that. Something else. Can you just replace a friend with another person? Of course not. Same with dogs.

Somehow, I am going to have to learn to deal with life on my own. I need to figure out this whole tolerance thing without his help. I haven't got a plan for that yet. Meanwhile, I may need to duct tape my mouth shut in public, and lock me in the bathroom like a bad pet while at home.

The worst part... other than this blog, I have no one to talk to. To everyone else in the world, it was "just a dog," so they think I should be ok by now. People close to me just expect me to resume life as usual. My boyfriend is tired of hearing about it. He hasn't said as much, but you know how people act.

So here I am. In my hateful little bubble with a black cloud floating over my head. Alone. Without my best friend. Heartbroken and angry....

RIP Dee Oh Jee

I had to put my beautiful dog to sleep the other night. He had cancer, and he was at the point where they couldn't save him.

I am heartbroken. I'm learning how nearly every aspect of my day at the house revolved around him. Getting out of bed to let him out in the mornings, I am careful of where I step, so I don't step on him.... and then realize he is no longer there.
Leaving for work, we close the bedroom door, move the blanket off the couch, make sure there is food and water for him, and open the door to let him outside.... all without even thinking about it.
I walk into the kitchen and glance down, expecting him to be there with his big brown eyes, floppy lopsided ears up, and an expectant look on his face.... but he isn't there.

I feel hollow, empty inside.

He was 12 years old, and was my best friend.
He listened intently and hung on my every word no matter what was happening in my life.
He let me hug him close when I had a bad day, never minding if my tears landed on his soft fur, letting me plant kisses right between his eyes.
He followed me around the house like a shadow, and nudged the bathroom door open to make sure the hair dryer never won our morning battle.
He snuggled when I didn't feel well, barked for treats when I was too slow, and played mediator when people got too noisy in the house.
He was a gentle soul who never hurt anyone. I've even seen him allow a toddler to pull on handfuls of his fur at the park, and he just looked at the child with love.
He loved hiking in the woods (peeing on everything he could get close to), and camping (because he always got food scraps).
He did not like being in water. The beach, baths, rain, or any other reason to get wet.... He just never understood the need for it!

He loved belly rubs, ear scratches, and always managed to give you a kiss for it.

He slept on a Dora the Explorer blanket, snuggled my flip flops, and sneaked onto the couch when we weren't at home.

And he loved the kids. I can't tell you how many times I have argued with the 2 year old about whose dog he really was.

Now we have to break this terrible news to the children. I don't even know where to begin...

My favorite story is how people would ask what kind of dog he was. I would look them in the eye and say, "a Miniature Retriever."
Of course, there is no such thing... but people are funny. Either you hear someone honestly confess that they had never heard of one, or suddenly they have some distant friend or relative that also has one....

But really... he was Mine. He came from Spain, and managed to push his way into my heart when I didn't want a dog, and didn't think I needed one. Turns out, I needed him more that I thought...

Someday, my heart will stop hurting, but I will always love him for what he brought into my life.... compassion, patience, and love....

Being a Mom is Complicated

You see people all the time, commending men when they take on any kind of out-of-the-norm parenting role. Single dad, raising step-kids, winning custody of their children in a divorce, etc. But when do the moms get some sort of credit? Why isn't that stuff just expected of dads, like it is moms?

Here's the thing. I adopted my step daughter when she was 3. I was 19 and took on someone else's child, still being just a child myself. I also have a biological daughter as well. I gave custody of them to my husband in our divorce. I did not fight for them, and only got to see them every other weekend. On the surface, that makes me look like a bad mom. I am uncaring... a terrible mother! But ask me about it. I gave up my kids because he had the house. He had the money and the means. He had his health. I gave them up for many of the same reasons that dads do it. I felt that it was the best thing for these two little people that I cared so much about!

When we split, I figured that the divorce would be hard enough on my kids without removing them from their home, their school, their friends. I didn't know where I was going to stay, and in fact, lived out of my vehicle for a couple of weeks! Was I supposed to bring my children into that? In addition, I was still undergoing chemo and radiation therapies for cancer. Who would care for my children when it took all I had to care for myself?

I have been called so many things: survivor, courageous, strong...  because I made it through cancer. But what should have killed me, was giving up my daughters! I cried myself to sleep every night for nearly a year. My chest hurt... I could feel actual pain... like someone was ripping out my heart with their bare hands. I worried about who was reading them bedtime stories, packing their lunches, making sure they brushed their teeth and got to bed on time... It was labor to even breathe without them most days! But I did it. They had everything that they needed. Things that I could never have provided for them. As much as it hurt, I know I did the right thing.

Now, 8 years later, both of my girls are thriving, intelligent, beautiful young ladies that I couldn't be more proud of! I pray that they can understand why I did what I did someday, and aren't too angry at me for the choices that I made.

They just need to know that they are loved.

I Called My Dad Today

Everyone in my family that I had spoken to so far about my grandmother's illness has told me that my dad wasn't handling it very well. My grandma's decision so far, is to not do anything to fight the cancer. My cousin, my sister, and my grandma all said that my dad complained about her "giving up," and then just sort of retreated into himself.

When I talked to him today, he seemed fine. He understood her decision, and even said that it would probably be the same choice he would make for himself.

It was good for me to hear him say it. Considering the fact that that I had cancer, fought it, and beat it... I'm having a hard time coming to terms. Of course, I was 31 and she is 83, so logically, it makes sense. My brain understands her choice and knows it is smart. My heart is selfish and is begging her to do everything possible. It hurts.

I guess I just need people to keep telling me that it's the right choice. Maybe my heart will come around.

Sometimes, when you are really sad, you just need to make a phone call, only to hear a specific voice. It doesn't matter what you talk about. You just need that voice in your ear.... because it fills your soul... I made that call today, and I am so glad that I did! <3

My Grandmother

I received a phone call last night from my cousin in Pittsburgh. .. My grandmother has been diagnosed with lung cancer. That is all that I know so far. I talked to my sister this morning, but she didn't have much more info. No idea of what stage it is or any other news so far.

I'm scared... afraid.
Afraid of losing the woman that I have looked up to and admired my whole life.
Even as an adult, I thought of her as being invincible. 
This can't be happening.
My brain refuses to acknowledge it!
My heart is breaking!

More than anything, though... I'm angry.
Cancer is so unfair.
It doesn't care that it is ravishing the backbone of our family.
It doesn't care how it makes anyone feel or who it takes.
It is an ugly monster that has reared its stupid head in a place that it doesn't belong!
My hands are tied.
What can I do??
Nothing.
Nothing but give my love.
Give as much love as I possibly can.
So that is what I will do.
Just love her, like she has always loved me.
I always have loved her,
And always will...

"At times, my grandmother seems like a mystical creature born of a fairy tale,
All knowing and wise, she sees into our daily lives,
And sets us straight when we stray.
A beautiful laugh,
A magician with meals,
A pied piper of children,
A Horse Whisperer,
And a Jill of all trades.
She made us who we are today.
Whenever we’re lost
She’s the beacon of light that guides us all home, once more."

Think Before You Speak

Funny thing about people finding out that someone they know is sick... possibly with cancer... it brings out the most sad, distressing stories.
*Honestly, it pisses me off.*
Why not be hopeful? Where are the prayers, positive thoughts? Instead, people talk about their "uncle's girlfriend's second cousin's ex-wife's grandfather" that died some horrific death in the matter of days of feeling their first symptom.
*Seriously??*
I know so many survivors, including myself. Why not talk about your surviving aunt, mom, grandfather, friend... whomever...?
The only thing all of this doom and gloom does is bring spirits down. I've mentioned before that I believe that bad energy breeds bad energy. My friend is sick. I don't want to hear your negative stories. He doesn't need your negativity in his life... even if he doesn't know you're saying it.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." ~Thumper— feeling annoyed.

People Can Surprise You

I love how people can surprise you sometimes. 

I generally DO NOT discuss politics or religion. I have my opinions, you have yours. That is good enough for me.

But, I just had a nice chat with someone about higher powers, the energy of the universe, karma, and just how that when you look back on your life, you can see so many signals that "Something" has aligned things in your life. 

This energy (whatever it may be) has been putting you exactly where you are now... and you realize that even the devastating things like cancer, divorce, loss of a job, etc., almost seem to have a purpose in the bigger picture. Even if you don't believe in God, or the Bible, it really is hard to not believe that there is some sort of energy helping us along throughout our lives.

I could go into detail and use my own life as an example, but I really feel that everyone has their own experiences that they can relate to this. 

*Disclaimer... not trying to start a religious debate here. If you can't be kind, please don't post. Thanks!

Cancer Leaves Scars That You Can't Always See

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. I don't think about it much on a daily basis anymore, because over time, the emotional trauma has somewhat faded. The scars are just part of me like the nose on my face.

But quite often, someone crosses my path that is dealing with this terrible disease in some way, either themselves, or someone they care about. 
A friend of a friend started chemo today. I have never met her, but I understand what she is going through. So many questions, fears, worries. I pray that her experience goes well.
Suddenly, so many of the emotions come flowing back. I can still feel the ups and downs... the frustrations, exhaustion, and the loneliness involved. I was surrounded by people, yet still so alone. I am grateful to my friend for being there for her friend. It will mean so much for the rest of her, hopefully very long, life.
I still, to this day, can't find the right words to accurately describe my experience, other than that it is, indeed
LIFE CHANGING.
Saying prayers for my friend's friend.

**{This was a related post, several months later.}

I see so many of my friends and family struggling right now. I have seen the pain they are going through and I completely understand it. Some things feel like they really should just kill you!!
All I can offer is that I believe things do happen for a reason. My cancer diagnosis started a chain of events that brought a lot of pain and heartache. Things that I have no idea how I survived. Things that caused me to be angry and bitter in my heart for years!
Only to finally open my eyes one day and see. It was all to lead me to a place. To a person. To be a part of something bigger than just myself!
Now I have Jon, 2 more beautiful daughters in my life, and the little boy that I had always hoped for.
I look forward to seeing where the future will take us!
And I pray that those going through painful parts of their lives, will find peace and be able to see their purpose and bigger picture soon.
Sending love... You know who you are...

Finding the Right Words

About a week ago, I learned that a friend's husband passed away. He had been sick for a long time, and he reached the point where he wasn't able to fight any longer. My friend has a little girl, and they are now going through the grieving process. Although they knew that he was very sick, it is still a very difficult thing to deal with, no matter how much "preparation time" they may have had. I felt so much pain for her loss, yet I had no words to adequately express myself to her. All I could come out with was, "I am so sorry."

In addition to that news, another friend of mine told me that one of his friends had committed suicide this past weekend. I didn't know that person, but I could feel the pain that my friend was feeling. {As some of you may know, a friend of mine tried to do the same thing about a year or so ago. Thank goodness he wasn't successful.} There are so many confusing, unanswered questions with suicides. It is so much more difficult to find closure here. Upon hearing the news, I was faced with the difficult position of trying to find the right words... do the right thing.

It seems that no matter where I go in life, and what things I go through, I still have no idea what the right thing is to say in these situations. I feel terrible, but I am keenly aware that no matter what comes out of my mouth, it will not make the pain go away. So, in knowing that, I feel at a loss. I feel awkward with anything that comes out of my mouth.

Am I the only person like this? Maybe nobody really knows how to adequately express their deepest condolences... or maybe it's just me.

When I went through cancer, people always had very nice things to say, and although it didn't change my situation, it was so comforting to know that my friends and family were there for me when I needed them. Even after all of that, if someone tells me that they are going through something similar, I immediately jump into "take action" mode and start asking about surgeries, hospitals, tests, chemo, radiation, and so on. I completely skip the "I'm so sorry" stage because it feels weird to me. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me, and so I refuse to feel sorry for someone that is capable of fighting. I have no idea if that is wrong! But, I am more equipped (mentally) to help with the "let's fix this problem" stage.

So, at least there, I feel somewhat helpful. When there is a death, I haven't got a clue. My friend whose husband passed away lives too far away for me to be able to make the funeral. I sent my condolences... although I don't feel like it was really adequate. I will be attending a memorial service with my other friend tomorrow. Although I didn't know the person that is now gone, I feel like it is the best that I can do to support my friend.

I don't know what words I will find tomorrow. I am hoping I won't be too awkward... but mostly, I just want to be there for my friend when he is feeling such a loss.

Meanwhile, I am saying prayers for the families and friends of the people that have passed. Time will help heal the open wound, but those loved ones will always be missed. Hopefully, they will be able to find closure in the best way possible.

Describe Yourself With One Word, Part 3

Today, I have two friends that I have talked to about the word they would use to describe themselves. The reason that I am incorporating them both into one blog is because they have similar backgrounds. They are both Cancers and one is the oldest child while the other is the oldest male child.

The first of the two guys, told me that he felt the best word to describe himself was "Tenacious." For anyone that is unsure, it means to hold persistently to something, such as a point of view.

I have known him for a very long time, and I would have to agree. He might have a bit of a stubborn streak! He is someone that I dated, and we managed to track each other down again a few years ago, the same way everyone does... through Facebook. It is so good to get to know him again after all these years, but I have found that he really hasn't changed much at all. He is still stubborn, and usually goes with whatever he feels is right. I'm sure it can be a difficult thing to live with, but it can be a very endearing quality as well, if he has his mind set in the right place.

While I do agree that tenacious does accurately describe him, I feel that he is very much a romantic. He is apt to daydream, and sometimes, while talking to him, I feel like I need to bring him back down to reality. I think that since I am very much not a romantic, that is why I enjoy talking to him. He lightens my moods with his fantasies of "What If..." I appreciate that in him.

The second person that I spoke with described himself as "Grateful." He said that he fully appreciates everything that people (friends and family) have done for him throughout his life. He's had some hard times, and those loved ones have really pitched in and helped him when it was needed. This is also someone that I have dated, so I was close enough to see how much love he is surrounded by and really understand where he was coming from.

The first day that I started this series, I said that my friend had described himself as "Alive," and I thought that I had someone more appropriate for that word. This second person is who I was thinking of. He may or may not be currently employed, but he doesn't stress over things the way I do. He will just turn on the stereo and dance around the room with me. When he goes places, he laughs this loud belly laugh coming from deep in his ribcage. Even when something is bothering him, he doesn't let it drag him down, and he continues to live life at 360 degrees.

Since both of these people are Cancers, I thought it would be interesting to look up the compatibility between them and myself, a Libra. If you've read my posts before, you probably know that horoscopes fascinate me. I don't read my horoscope daily to "see what the day holds." I don't think you can get any more information from those things than by opening a fortune cookie (I don't mean to offend if you believe otherwise). But, I do think it's just something fun to do.

So, as I said, I looked up the compatibility chart between Cancers and Libras... Let's just say it doesn't look good! Apparently, they are pretty conservative and like to be homebodies, while I'm very social and enjoy going out, spending time with all kinds of people. To be honest, since I dated both of these people at very different times in my life, I would have to agree with that general assessment, no matter what my age was!

Cancers are supposed to be:
Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic

Sounds pretty accurate to me!

In my last blog, we also discussed how birth order might have an effect on an individual's personality. Being the oldest, and the oldest boy in the family, respectively, I believe they both show signs of it. The article that I found said, "Firstborns are natural leaders... reliable, conscientious and perfectionists who don't like surprises... many are also compliant people pleasers.... have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge."

I don't think all of those words fit both of these men exactly, but I do think it's a pretty good general description of their personality tendencies. More than anything, they are conscientious of people and things surrounding them. Although our horoscopes say that we're not a good match, I can honestly say that I appreciated the time that I had with them, and I am so grateful to have them both still in my life as some of my very closest friends. That's all I really need to know about compatibility!

Five Years Cancer Free

**This got pretty long, and I'm sorry about that!!**

Today makes 5 years. I can't describe what I'm feeling. This should be a celebration. Instead, I almost feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Below are sections of what I wrote 5 years ago in part of my blog. The site was called, My Life With Breast Cancer.
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...about 6 months ago... I had found some lumps in my breast.... they were just little cysts, and were no big deal. ...a few weeks ago, I found a big lump on that same breast, but didn't panic, because I knew my 6-month check up was coming due. I had the check up, and I was told that the lump that I found was scar tissue....no big deal. BUT, under that were several calcium-like deposits.

The dr. referred me to Baptist Medical ...

When Baptist re-took my mammo and sonograms, they figured out that it was one lump, NOT scar tissue. The lump turned out to be rather large.

So, I got my biopsy done ... They took 6 samples from the one large lump and then drained 2 cysts. Then, the dr. saw on the ultrasound that the gland under my armpit was "unusual" so she took 2 samples of that. They called me with the results.
I do have breast cancer.
...Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

The dr. seemed pretty positive ... She said I have a rough year ahead of me ... I'm carrying an 80% survival rate.

...the biopsey on my lymph node came back negative, so they sent me to get an MRI. They also wanted to get a better idea of the size of the tumor... is larger than they first suspected from the mammograms, and although the origional biopsey on my lymph node came back negative, they said that it still looked irregular.... I need to get what's called a Sentinel Node Biopsey done.
----------

Because of the size of the tumor and the fact that cancer can get worse very quickly in younger people (your cells grow at a rapid pace when you're younger, both good cells and bad), we want to get this taken care of as soon as possible.
---------

I know that God has not decided to do this just to make my life miserable. He hast to have a long-term plan. ... Right now, I have a positive attitude (I'm invincible!) but down the road, I may be angry, and hit the whole "Why me????" stage.
-------------

...bloodwork on Thursday ...surgery on Thursday of next... In order to just put me "under" once, he's going to have me come in 2 hours early so they can inject me with some dye or something that will go directly to the two lymph nodes that they're worried about. Then, he'll make an incision to remove the tumor, and another in my armpit and remove just those two nodes.
----------

Many of you have commented to me on my positive attitude and the ability to maintain my sense of humor. While many of you may see it as my being strong, it may really be a slight bit of self-denial and a way to make light of the situation. Whatever it may be, it seems to work for me.

Really, I have no choice in the situation. I could sit around feeling sorry for myself because this has "happened" to me. I won't do that, though. I have too many people in my life to survive for... starting with my girls! So, my only other option is to look this in the eye and take it head on. Step by step, I know that I'll get through it with the help of all of my friends and family.
------

All along, I've had this "I don't feel sick, so there's nothing wrong with me" attitude. Then, I went to meet the radiation oncology doctor yesterday... after the appointment, I went home and enjoyed some quiet time, where my mind slowly started to take over. By the time I had to go to work, I was NOT in a good place (in my head). Fortunately, I have one of the coolest bosses in the entire world. Betty closed the place down, and let me just relax. I needed that more than she could possibly know! There was just no way my head was into working last night. I couldn't focus on anything. My mind was everywhere and nowhere all at one time. Definately a mess.--------

Just a side note ... surgery is at 10:55 tomorrow morning. If you could all set the alarms on your cell phones, watches, or whatever, and say a quick, silent prayer around that time, I would really appreciate it! I know God is watching over me, but every little bit helps, right?
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If the lymph nodes come back positive for cancer, I will require another surgery to remove those. Also, some of you have asked about reconstruction. The dr. said that 95% of these types of surgeries do not require plastic surgery, because my body should naturally build up scar tissue ... So, I should have a small scar from the incision, but nothing worse. The stitches will even be under the skin, instead of the outside.
-------

..the doctor took out the tumor and sent it down to pathology. It tested positive for cancer cells on the outside of what he took out, so he had to go back in to remove some more tissue, which came back negative for cancer on the outside. So, he got as much as he could from the tumor area.

Then, he ended taking out three of my lymph nodes. ...found some cancer cells in the first two, and the third one came up negative, so he stopped there...
---------

Well, I finally got my friend, Tammy, to help me remove the bandages last night. I was so worried about how "mangled" I'd be that I couldn't even look in the mirror until she swore to me that it wasn't as bad as I was imagining. I was so upset about looking that I felt like I was going to pass out and had to lie down on the bed!
So, I finally caved in and gave it a look... I have a horizontal cut where they took out the tumor that is about 3 inches long, and another cut under my armpit that is about 2 inches long. I think they should heal up pretty well, though.
-------

... The lymph nodes came back negative for cancer.... YAY! As for the tumor itself, the invasive cancer only took up about 1cm of the tumor. It was surrounded by what they call "pre-cancer" or non-invasive. He said that it looks like they got all of it out with the exception of one area, so he wants to get back in and take more out in that area. That would also be an outpatient procedure.
--------

I had a minor allergic reaction to the meds (chemo) so they stopped the drip and want me to return next Wed. for a different mixture of my "coctail."

...they had given me a saline drip, and then added benadryl to it. The benadryl knocked me out, and then they added herceptin ... while I was asleep, Tim saw that I was all red and flushed. He stopped the machine and got the nurse. ...my hands had also started to swell up. They monitored my temperature ... (low-grade fever) and finally decided to just send me home instead of continuing. Now, the doctor said it could be from either the benadryl OR the herceptin. So, when I go back on Wed., they're giving me less benadryl to make sure it isn't the herceptin that I'm reacting to.
---------

Wednesday and Thursday were spent sleeping, trying to get all of the benadryl back out of my system. ...aches in my legs that feel like the growing pains we'd get as kids. I was also having cramping, which felt like PMS cramps, but I knew that they couldn't be.....by that time, nothing tasted good at all... water, crystal lite, soda... NOTHING! ....I started having a nose bleed that lasted for about 45 minutes or so...
-----------

I talked with the doctor first, and she was concerned that the Avastin was causing my nose bleeds (had two right there in her office) and I had three of them today. So, rather than pump more chemicals into my system, she decided to hold off ...
Right now, my blood counts are a little low. Not dangerous, but low enough that it makes me tired pretty easily. I make myself a list of things I want to get done in a day, and am lucky if I get even 1/3 of them done. I'm not lazy, I just have absolutely no energy in me at all. It's very frustrating! So, I'm going in next Wednesday to get an Aranesp Injection to help boost my blood cell counts.
----------

I've been fighting a sore throat for over a week now. My throat hurts so bad that I can barely swallow, my glads under my jaw bone are swollen, and my ears hurt whenever I try to swallow.
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The Day my Hair Started to Fall Out
--------

Shaving my Head - I can't read this post without crying. I will never forget that day, as long as I live.
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I went and got my usual Monday Blood Test yesterday, and I had the nicest compliment! I had one of the scarves that I bought in Spain wrapped around my head into a bun in the back, and a lady came up and said how pretty it looked and even had me show her how to do it! She was so sweet.

Since I've lost my hair, I've begun wearing large earrings, large "Hollywood" sunglasses, and lots of bandannas/scarves. I've tried to wear my wigs, but just can't seem to get comfortable in them. They're not really "me." So, fortunately, I have a large collection of hats and scarves, because I always wore them before I went bald!
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So, Friday rolled around, and I spent all day in bed again. Nausea, lack of appetite, and screwed up taste buds will do that to a girl. I felt totally crappy and just wanted to be left alone to die. Lucky for me, my family won't let me off that easily (that was sarcasm). Didn't do much that night. Just hung around the house.
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Why is it that people think it's ok to tell me about how their Great-Aunt Bea died from lung cancer 20 years ago? Do they think I really want to hear about that? Then, they try to turn the ending into a positive by saying, "You'll be fine, though, because they've made so many advances in medicine since then." WTF??? Why tell me about someone who has died at all? Do they just HAVE to hear themselves talk? If you don't have a good story then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You're not being helpful to anyone at all.

Oh, and in the grocery store the other day, I actually had a guy ask me if I was "suffering from an affliction." Do I look like some rebellious teenager trying to get my parent's attention by shaving my head? I'm 31 years old! YES, I'm suffering from an affliction! GRRRRR! People just annoy me.

I feel fat, ugly, bald, scarred, pale, nauseous, tired, bored and boring, and angry/bitter. I'm sick of it all. And the LAST thing I want is for people to call me up trying to cheer me. It's not helpful. There is no cheering. This is cancer. No matter how you look at it. Funny thing is that it's not the cancer that makes me feel like crap. It's all the Drano they insist that I need. I just want to tell them to stop the drugs. I can't take it any more. Then I look at my girls and think, if it is helping, I have to do it for them. So, I'm stuck.
By now, all of you who have wondered this past week why I hadn't posted are now wishing that I STILL had not posted. Maybe I should have waited for one of my "good days" to let everyone know how I was feeling. Sadly, I haven't had a good day since Tuesday, and the more consecutive bad days that I have, the deeper into the pit I fall. I'll come back up eventually. I just don't know when. It's hard to see the light at the end of a very long, sick tunnel.

Oh, and on top of it all.... Brittany Spears actually SHAVED HER HEAD! What an idiot! I would kill to have hair, and she does it just because she's a spoiled little brat, trying to get attention. She makes me sick. I wish I had hair.... and she makes the news because of it! That's the worst part. People are at war, dying from dieseases, starving to death, being persecuted for their faith... and Brittany Spears makes headlines for shaving her head. Grrr! Stupid B!tch.

Alright, I guess that's enough venting for now. I'm going to go wallow in my pit for a while.

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Yesterday, my youngest asked me if I was going to die. Who put that into her head? What does she know about dying? That has never even been an option for me. I haven't even considered that I might die, so why is she asking this? I feel like someone trying to be "helpful" has mentioned to her that I could die from breast cancer, so now she's worrying about it. I can tell it's been bugging her for a little while, because she couldn't look at me when she asked, and was crying when she finally said it.------------

I am SO OVER this whole cancer and chemo thing. I'm done. I don't want to play their stupid game anymore. I can think of 1,001 things I'd rather be doing with this particular year of my life. Having cancer is NOT one of them.
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I've been feeling both hot and cold for the past couple of days... clammy, I guess. Terrible feeling. Plus, the taste of food is aweful, so I can only eat fruits and steamed veggies. Everything else is pretty gross. It's hard to stay hydrated this way.
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...the platelets were low... I got my blood work done again this week, and the platelets were still too low to do my big dose of chemo, so it was just Herceptin again today. The good news is that they were up to 92, and once they reach 100, I'm in the "safe zone" to do my chemo again. So, although I'm 2 weeks behind schedule, they are going up on their own. That means that I don't have to come in for injections every day this week, and I am no longer in danger of needing a transfusion! YAY!
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My head hurts, my stomach is upset, I can't decide if I'm going to throw up or just sit next to the toilet, and my muscles ache everywhere. I feel like I've been beaten with a lead pipe.
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This is where my blogging ends. This is when my life completely turned to shit. I found out about some things and pretty much started drinking a lot to hide from the reality of it all. Eventually, it led to a breakdown in October 2007, where I admitted myself into the hospital, by telling them that I was an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic... I just couldn't figure out how to get away from everything... Away from a cheating spouse, away from the doctors and chemo, away from my kids (I realize that sounds horrible, but I wasn't able to cope), away from work, and away from the upcoming radiation therapy. I couldn't be strong any more, and that was what everyone still expected from me!

When I got out of the hospital, I stayed home for about two weeks before I finally left for good. I did finally go back to the doctor and finish chemo and radiation... and was finished with all of that by January 2008... just in time for my divorce to be final in February of that same year.

Many of you have asked why I just "gave" everything to Tim without fighting for anything. After reading this, hopefully, you can understand that I just didn't have any fight left in me. I couldn't fight with him any more, because I was so busy fighting for my health. I had to take priorities. Unfortunately, I've spent the past several years paying for those choices. If I had been better equipped (mentally) to deal with all of this pressure, I might have been able to have my children with me instead of leaving them. This is why when people say that they think I'm a strong person, all I can think is, "No, I'm not. I failed at the most important thing. My children."

But, I didn't write this blog as an excuse for my choices. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I know who my friends are and who loves me.

This is to aknowledge that it has been 5 very long, difficult years. Cancer changed my life, and it's not done yet. No matter how many years pass, I will always be a Survivor.

Links to Support my Theory

NY Times article re Stress and Cancer

Life Script: Illness Caused by Stress; see #10

NewsMax Health; practice relaxation techniques

Stress and Your Health

Just a little extra reading for anyone interested. I can't believe I have never researched my theory before. Apparently, there might be something to what I'm thinking.

Feel free to share any thoughts you might have on this!!

Surviving Life

Due to Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I have a lot on my mind....

I am nearing my five-year anniversary of being diagnosed with breast cancer. I am extremely proud of this achievement. I can't say I almost died, because I honestly can't ever remember thinking that it was an option. I have two beautiful daughters that need a Mom, so I wasn't going anywhere. I was too stubborn to consider it a possibility. I probably would've gone ballistic on a doctor if they tried to tell me something like, "You have 3 months to live." This leads me to my first point:

Why do doctors think it’s alright to tell someone how long they think they'll live?
They don't know.
There is no possible way another human being, even a doctor, could know such a thing.
I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I firmly believe that many people have died because a doctor was arrogant enough to give a timeline to that person. If someone says to a sick person that they are expected to be dead in 3 months, then the odds of that person being dead in 3 months just went up 25% (ok, I am making up these figures, but you totally get my point). It makes me mad.

Of course, on the other end of the spectrum, someone like me would have stuck it out just to prove that arrogant bastard wrong. Ha!

The next thing on my mind is that I firmly believe that how you live your life has a lot to do with illness. I’m not talking about smoking and lung cancer or anything like that. This goes deeper.
Something I can’t actually prove.

I often wonder if people that are diagnosed at a similar age as I was, can look back on their life and say, "This was the cause." I believe I can. I was in a bad marriage; it was stressful from day-one. We weren't good to each other, and then, in an effort to get away, I left for a year and a half.

I don't know what was worse... living in that unhealthy marriage, or being an unemployed, single parent, stressing constantly about money, a place to live, trying to fix my marriage for my children's sake, and so on.

Finally, we reached an agreement and the girls and I moved back to Spain with him. Of course, things did not get any better as long as we were living there. I was there for my kids and that was it. But, once we moved back to the states, things were great for a year. My 30th year was honestly the best year of my life. We had a house, our marriage seemed to have improved, and it was like starting brand new. The pressure was off. The stress had left the building.

One year later, I was diagnosed with cancer.

All of that stress in my life over the course of several years had built up, and once the stress was gone, my body reacted with cancer.

Before you think I'm completely off my rocker, let me try to explain in a different way.

When I was in the Navy, we often heard that when a Chief runs Maintenance Control (high-stress position) for several years, then retires, they very often die within 5 years, from either a heart attack or stroke. This is because their body has lived and dealt with such a high-stress environment for so long, that once the stress was no longer there, their body couldn't adjust and it is what ultimately kills them. I believe that my cancer was caused by a similar situation. My body dealt with stress and negativity for so long, that when life became less stressful, then that is how my body reacted.

This is just my theory.

Finally, this leads me to my next point.
This is for all you religious people.

I do believe in God. I am not at all good about going to church, but I do have my own beliefs. I don't know about what God really thinks about divorce because I've never had the opportunity to ask him (I have a whole list of questions for that interview, if it ever comes up!).

I do believe that God gave us our lives to live as well as we can, with the time we have. I also believe that as his children, God loves us unconditionally. Because of this love, even if he does not agree with divorce, he still wants us to be happy with ourselves.

That being said, my other theory is that because my marriage was so unhealthy to both myself and my ex, and ultimately, our children, then God gave me cancer to force me to finally have the courage to take the final step and leave for good. For ten years, we were bad for each other. I was on anti-depressants for a lot of the marriage.

I went from being an outgoing person, that was usually the center of attention without even trying, to being told to shut up in front of my friends and told that I was always wrong, to becoming an introvert that actually goes out of her way to avoid being in the limelight.

But, I thought that being there would be best for my kids. They needed a Mom and a Dad. I thought they needed us to be in the same house, with the dog and the white picket fence. Cancer arrived, and the way that each of us reacted to the news said a lot about our personalities. I won’t go into detail, but it didn’t go well for our marriage.

The fighting, the arguments, the hurt feelings…
It became much worse that it was when we lived in Spain.

So, one day, I woke up and refused to continue. I never would’ve had the courage to walk away if I had never been diagnosed with cancer. Just like an addict, I had to hit “rock bottom” before I would make the necessary changes. It was hard to do. I was so afraid. I had no idea where I would go or what I would do. The only thing I knew was that I might survive cancer, but there was no way I was going to survive this marriage. I had to leave.

I’m grateful for the new life that I’ve found, and since he is now remarried, I can only assume he’s grateful as well. If God had not loved me enough to give me cancer, and the will to fight it… and the courage to walk away… who knows where I would be today.

I guess that makes me a survivor in more than one way.

Dream Translation

Last night, I had a dream that my jeep was rusted out and literally falling apart piece by piece as I drove it down the road... It was very strange... I'm driving along, and all of a sudden the bumper rusted and fell off. I stop, and put it in the back of the jeep and keep going. Then, the muffler rusted and fell off, so I picked that up. Then, as I'm about to get back in, the step on the driver's side rusted & fell off. I picked it up, and as I was putting it in the back with the other stuff, I looked and the whole side of the jeep was red/rusty. I just remember thinking... "Damn, it's not even paid off yet!"

What does that mean?? I very seldom remember my dreams, so I was curious to find out what it may have ment. So, I Googled it: http://www.dreams-dictionary.org/Rust

According to the Dream Dictionary: To dream of rust on articles, old pieces of tin, or iron, is significant of depression of your surroundings. Sickness, decline in fortune and false friends are filling your sphere.

Dream Symbols: Rust = Threat of cancer

As some of you know, I did have cancer once before. I had a very stressful, trying time in my life. I was married and my marriage was very bad for a couple of years. I firmly believe that all of the negative energy and stress in my life directly [helped] cause my body to react with cancer. I have been cancer-free for over 3 years now, but of course it's return is always in the back of my mind. That being said, the Dream Symbol of Rust did kind of freak me out when I read it.

This just reinforces my decision to liberate my life: Sell our belongings and live in a camper for a while. If it does not work out, Chuck and I can always decide to go ahead and rent a place, but I think it's worth a shot at lowering some of our bills before doing that.