Dark Cloud

I can feel it. I could feel it right after I dropped Carley off in Florida. It's a good thing Ashleigh made the trip back with me, or I would have cried for a large part of the ride back to Jasper. I've done that before. It's a dark cloud. I don't know how else to explain it, without it sounding all dramatic and dreary. It's sadness that I can't keep away. It happens every time I have to give Carley back. Even now, I just want to burst into tears.

I know in my heart that my divorce was the correct thing to do. That was never a question. I could not stay married in that enviroment. Honestly, if Tim were truthful to himself, he would agree. We were like cancer to eachother. It was unhealthy for me, for him, and for the girls. So, divorce was the right thing to do.

Ever since then, however, I can't seem to get my life back on track. I fight depression constantly. I play mind games with guilt and remorse. I missed both my girls, and now that Ash is here with me, I'm happy, but that's only one of them. I feel sad because I didn't take them with me in the first place, even though I know for a fact that I wasn't able to at that time. I didn't know where I was going to go. How could I take them? To live in my jeep? Tear them away from the home and friends and schools that they knew so they could live with me... Who-knows-where?? So, I do think that it was the correct decision at the time. I love my girls so much that I try to overlook what I want (I want THEM!!) in order to give them what I feel is best. I feel that a stable living environment is the best thing for them. So, they stayed with their Dad.

Oh, I know what people say. I know what people that used to be my friends say. I know what people in my own family say. They weren't there, though. Moneyless, homeless, jobless. So why did I leave? Without getting into a bashing party, let's just say that it was an unfit environment to be in while trying to fight cancer. Undergoing chemo and radiation therapies and also fighting in this marriage did not go well. So, I had to leave.

I've had so many people judge me as soon as they hear that I left my children. They think I'm a bad mother. They think I have no maternal instinct. They think I'm selfish. They think I must have some sort of horrible drug addiction. They think so many things. People that claim to be my friends will talk about other women that do not have custody of their kids. They say negative things about these women, and then when I point out my own situation, they are quick to say that I am different from that other person. How can they judge? They only hear the Dad's side of that divorce, so they are quick to talk about that woman. So many people are saying similar things about me. They have no idea what I've been facing over the past three years. They only hear what Tim tells them (and he's angry, so I'm sure it's nothing nice).

OF COURSE I WANT MY CHILD LIVING WITH ME!! I'd be crazy not to! She is a piece of me. A piece of my soul. I am hollow without her in my life every single day. I constantly feel like I'm drowning. I am always wondering what she is doing "right now." I miss her so badly that it hurts. Some things really should just kill you.

But, when I see her again, I see how she's grown. How happy she is. The nice clothes she has. She tells me about the things that they do. Her friends and teachers at school. "Family vacations" that they've been on or have planned. She is so beautiful, smart, and well-adjusted. How can I step in at this time and try to take her out of that home? She has a Dad and Step-Mom all in one house. She is in a family. She is happy.

I know for a fact that my life is a random, messy spiral. It has been ever since my divorce. I try like hell to fix it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I live with someone, but I have no intentions of getting married again. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to trust someone like that again. I don't  know what is happening in my life from month to month. I don't know where I'll be living a month from now. I don't know when I'll ever be able to take a trip to visit family/friends again because of money issues.

I can't force that kind of life on my little girl, and I doubt she would want to live like that. I can't keep her in the nice clothes that she wears now. With me, it would be WalMart, Target, and Goodwill clothes, because that's what I wear. With me, it would be "trips" to free places like the lake, not Disney Cruises and flights to Texas. I look at my little girl and know that I want her to live with me so much, but I know that it would be very wrong of me to try to take her away from what she has in her life right now. It would be selfish of me.

If I have learned nothing else in my life, I have learned that I can't always have what I want, and sometimes I have to think of what is better for someone else.

So, unfortunately, I don't think I'll be fighting for custody of Carley. I will continue to try to see her as often as possible. I am working on fixing the whole child support issue that is going on because it's stupid. I am still paying child support for Ash, even though she graduated over a year ago and has been living with me ever since. Oh, and the fact that Tim made a claim that I had not been paying at all, when I was, so they started taking money directly out of my paycheck without any type of investigation. But I will not take Carley out of the happy home that she is in... Unless she gets old enough to decide and actually asks to live with me. Even then, I would make she is certain that it is what she wants, before fighting for her. I don't want her to move in with me and then regret it.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to decide to do (or not do). This was not a decision that I've taken lightly. I would appreciate it if people only leave positive comments. I can not deal with judgemental people right now. If you do not have anything nice to say to me, then please do not say anything at all. Thank you in advance for that consideration.