I Called My Dad Today

Everyone in my family that I had spoken to so far about my grandmother's illness has told me that my dad wasn't handling it very well. My grandma's decision so far, is to not do anything to fight the cancer. My cousin, my sister, and my grandma all said that my dad complained about her "giving up," and then just sort of retreated into himself.

When I talked to him today, he seemed fine. He understood her decision, and even said that it would probably be the same choice he would make for himself.

It was good for me to hear him say it. Considering the fact that that I had cancer, fought it, and beat it... I'm having a hard time coming to terms. Of course, I was 31 and she is 83, so logically, it makes sense. My brain understands her choice and knows it is smart. My heart is selfish and is begging her to do everything possible. It hurts.

I guess I just need people to keep telling me that it's the right choice. Maybe my heart will come around.

Sometimes, when you are really sad, you just need to make a phone call, only to hear a specific voice. It doesn't matter what you talk about. You just need that voice in your ear.... because it fills your soul... I made that call today, and I am so glad that I did! <3

My Grandmother

I received a phone call last night from my cousin in Pittsburgh. .. My grandmother has been diagnosed with lung cancer. That is all that I know so far. I talked to my sister this morning, but she didn't have much more info. No idea of what stage it is or any other news so far.

I'm scared... afraid.
Afraid of losing the woman that I have looked up to and admired my whole life.
Even as an adult, I thought of her as being invincible. 
This can't be happening.
My brain refuses to acknowledge it!
My heart is breaking!

More than anything, though... I'm angry.
Cancer is so unfair.
It doesn't care that it is ravishing the backbone of our family.
It doesn't care how it makes anyone feel or who it takes.
It is an ugly monster that has reared its stupid head in a place that it doesn't belong!
My hands are tied.
What can I do??
Nothing.
Nothing but give my love.
Give as much love as I possibly can.
So that is what I will do.
Just love her, like she has always loved me.
I always have loved her,
And always will...

"At times, my grandmother seems like a mystical creature born of a fairy tale,
All knowing and wise, she sees into our daily lives,
And sets us straight when we stray.
A beautiful laugh,
A magician with meals,
A pied piper of children,
A Horse Whisperer,
And a Jill of all trades.
She made us who we are today.
Whenever we’re lost
She’s the beacon of light that guides us all home, once more."