I Believe in Spirit

So many emotions... I have no idea where to begin. I'm really not sure how to convey clearly the depth of what I felt today. I guess I'll just start writing and hopefully it will flow.

Within the past couple of years, I have lost three dear friends, all before what I felt was their "time." This experience is mainly about two of those friends.

Keith left some unanswered questions with his passing. As far as I knew he wasn't sick, and seemed to be "fine" whenever we spoke.

Tom had a heart attack in his car and passed before impact. He had had a quad-bipass a few years before, and would joke with me about how him and I had "cheated death."

Shawn passed two weeks after finding out that he had cancer. Barely enough time for good byes.

Now these guys didn't know eachother. In fact, their only common factors were me, and the Navy. But they touched me in one way or another and have left lasting impressions.

Now I am not deeply religious, but I do believe in a Higher Power and in Spirit. I know there is something big that guides me in directions when I feel lost. Something guided me to Jon when I needed him the most, and he needed me. We know that we could have met sooner, because we had several common friends over the years... but we never met until the moment was just right for both of us. Something bigger than us guided us in that direction.

I have always felt it.

So back to my friends. Every time I think of any one of the three of them, the other two automatically come to mind. Although they didn't know eachother in life, I can't  help but believe that they are upstairs, watching over their loved ones, guiding us... and enjoying a beer together once in a while.

Now all three of them had family and friends that they were closer to than they were to me, so I don't for a second flatter myself into thinking that any of them spend their time keeping an eye just on me... but I do believe they visit.

Today, especially.

I didn't realize two things when I woke up this morning. When I figured it out, I rode on an emotional roller coaster that I can't  describe. I choked up when I tried to tell Jon... and then I cried all the way to work, while talking to "My guys" and thanking one in particular for this gift that I'm about to tell you about.

So this morning, like most mornings, I had the tv on, snuggled up next to Jon, coffee in one hand, scrolling through Facebook.... I came across Tom's wife's post. She said she was visiting him today, a year later.

Had it been a year? It seems like we just lost him.

I look at my calendar, and sure enough.... it had been a whole year.

I paused to think about the grandson that he has never met. I thought about how his wife is coping with his loss. I reflected on what a kind, caring person he was. The type that would jump to help a friend, no matter the time or the reason.

He is truely missed.

And, of course, because I was thinking of Tom, my other two guys also came into my forethought.

As I wondered how Keith's little girl is doing, I typed his name in my Facebook to go to his page and leave a quick note.... when I got there and was thinking on what to say to express my feelings for the day, I saw a Happy Birthday post. My first thought was, "I wonder how old that post is." I look at the date and it was today!!

I had no idea that Tom had passed on Keith's birthday! And as I have said, they didn't know eachother... And most people would write it all off as a random coincidence. I think the dates are... but me finding out on the 1-year anniversary of Tom's passing was a gift from Tom. It was a reminder from Tom, not of his passing, but of another friend's birthday.

I would never have even known otherwise.

Maybe it sounds crazy, but I believe that Tom's spirit knows that I have had some difficulty putting my mind right about Keith's passing. Being the kind, warm hearted person that he is, I know in my heart that he guided Belinda to make that post, leading to the chain of events, causing me to find out about Keith's birthday.

Somehow, I feel like Tom is saying that I shouldn't continue carrying the burden of "How" with Keith, and just be thankful to have known him. It was subtle, but I know somehow that it was Tom wrapping his arms around me, giving me permission to stop grieving and to know that they are all in a better place.

Maybe I'm rambling at this point. Maybe I'm not making sense, or this sounds crazy to you. Maybe it sounds like I'm reaching for just anything. Whatever it may seem like to someone else isn't important, though.

What matters is that deep down in my heart, these guys are missed by me. I believe that they visit to check up on me every now and then. And I know that today, Tom showed me that he was checking on not just me, but also Keith... and he found a way to let me know that he is doing just fine.

Dogs and Stress

Let's get down to brass tacks here. Truth be told, I merely tolerate most people on my very best days. Somehow, my dog has always calmed me and helped me to be at least more patient, if not friendly.

Without him, I am a jerk.

Since he passed last week, I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with life's little tasks. I had no idea how much Dee Oh Jee really did reduce my stress levels.

I am a normally high stress/worrier anyways. I stress over money, my kids, what my boyfriend thinks of me, work, cleaning the house, why friends don't call, that weird mole on my back... You name it.

I am a Libra, which means I have the capacity to think something to death, then start over and think about it again. Once a negative thought pops into my head, no matter how warranted it may or may not be, I can't unthink it. Sometimes I think I'm crazy because I can't get thoughts out of my head. It's hard to let go.

Knowing this, I try really hard to just get past it and not say a word about it to anyone. No point in starting some crazy situation over some trick my brain is playing.

Since the loss of my pet, however, I have found the negative thoughts getting louder and more frequent. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and am hurting people that I care about over stupid tricks that my mind is playing. I can't seem to control it.

So, you may ask... why not just get another dog? Problem solved, right?

Because I don't want another dog. My last one was irreplaceable. He understood me. We had a long history. Cancer, my divorce, depression, moving over state lines, camping & hiking, car rides....

Any other animal would be just that. Something else. Can you just replace a friend with another person? Of course not. Same with dogs.

Somehow, I am going to have to learn to deal with life on my own. I need to figure out this whole tolerance thing without his help. I haven't got a plan for that yet. Meanwhile, I may need to duct tape my mouth shut in public, and lock me in the bathroom like a bad pet while at home.

The worst part... other than this blog, I have no one to talk to. To everyone else in the world, it was "just a dog," so they think I should be ok by now. People close to me just expect me to resume life as usual. My boyfriend is tired of hearing about it. He hasn't said as much, but you know how people act.

So here I am. In my hateful little bubble with a black cloud floating over my head. Alone. Without my best friend. Heartbroken and angry....

RIP Dee Oh Jee

I had to put my beautiful dog to sleep the other night. He had cancer, and he was at the point where they couldn't save him.

I am heartbroken. I'm learning how nearly every aspect of my day at the house revolved around him. Getting out of bed to let him out in the mornings, I am careful of where I step, so I don't step on him.... and then realize he is no longer there.
Leaving for work, we close the bedroom door, move the blanket off the couch, make sure there is food and water for him, and open the door to let him outside.... all without even thinking about it.
I walk into the kitchen and glance down, expecting him to be there with his big brown eyes, floppy lopsided ears up, and an expectant look on his face.... but he isn't there.

I feel hollow, empty inside.

He was 12 years old, and was my best friend.
He listened intently and hung on my every word no matter what was happening in my life.
He let me hug him close when I had a bad day, never minding if my tears landed on his soft fur, letting me plant kisses right between his eyes.
He followed me around the house like a shadow, and nudged the bathroom door open to make sure the hair dryer never won our morning battle.
He snuggled when I didn't feel well, barked for treats when I was too slow, and played mediator when people got too noisy in the house.
He was a gentle soul who never hurt anyone. I've even seen him allow a toddler to pull on handfuls of his fur at the park, and he just looked at the child with love.
He loved hiking in the woods (peeing on everything he could get close to), and camping (because he always got food scraps).
He did not like being in water. The beach, baths, rain, or any other reason to get wet.... He just never understood the need for it!

He loved belly rubs, ear scratches, and always managed to give you a kiss for it.

He slept on a Dora the Explorer blanket, snuggled my flip flops, and sneaked onto the couch when we weren't at home.

And he loved the kids. I can't tell you how many times I have argued with the 2 year old about whose dog he really was.

Now we have to break this terrible news to the children. I don't even know where to begin...

My favorite story is how people would ask what kind of dog he was. I would look them in the eye and say, "a Miniature Retriever."
Of course, there is no such thing... but people are funny. Either you hear someone honestly confess that they had never heard of one, or suddenly they have some distant friend or relative that also has one....

But really... he was Mine. He came from Spain, and managed to push his way into my heart when I didn't want a dog, and didn't think I needed one. Turns out, I needed him more that I thought...

Someday, my heart will stop hurting, but I will always love him for what he brought into my life.... compassion, patience, and love....

The Power of the Beard

So just about every day that we go through the gate to get on base, one of the (male) gate guards compliments Jonathan Lee about his beard.
Maybe it's just me, but hearing a straight guy compliment another straight guy on his looks, is weird.
But, being as it is... if he's that hot, and we're this broke, I've come to an obvious conclusion:
I'm pimping him out to anyone that will pay to touch his beard... — feeling determined.

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I have to share this hilarious conversation that Jonathan & I had last night after everyone left... (he was kinda tipsy)...
Jon (in the bedroom, pointing towards the living room): It's crazy out there!
Me: it's just the dryer.
J: no, baby, it's crazy! Shit flying everywhere!
M: haha!! No, really, it's just the dryer. It's loud.
J: there are socks flying through the air! There is underwear too, but the socks are what ya gotta watch out for.
M: the socks are shifty?
J: yeah, they'll get ya!!
Hahaa! I love him. That Guy constantly makes me laugh!! — feeling awesome.

********************

Me (at Sonic): I want the Asiago Chicken Sandwich.
Jon (to the order box): I need an Ozzy Osborn chicken sandwich.
Bwahahahaaa!! Bless him, he tried... and the guy knew what he meant! 

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Jon (at Steak n Shake): Holy crap! They have a Pepperoni Pizza Steakburger!
Me: Wow, it doesn't even look good. It's so bad for you!
Jon: It must be in my belly. Gimme one of your prilosecs.
Me: Ha! No way, you can't have a Prilosec so that you can intentionally eat all that!! Haha!
*Oh, and he also ordered a cookie dough milkshake.

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Life is Very Good

Do you ever just feel overwhelmed by your own life? I mean in a good way....
I have had bottom-of-the-barrel low points in my life. If it CAN go wrong, it DID. No matter what I touched, no matter how hard I tried, things just didn't work out the way I had planned/hoped.
Things have turned around! All of the pain, fear, loneliness, loss, etc. have faded into the background. I appreciate them because they are part of who I am today, but more than anything, my experiences have made me thankful. I appreciate so much more... the little things.
My life is far from perfect. I'm still nowhere near where I want to be... but I can feel the progress! I finally have a PARTNER in my life. Someone that I trust and can talk about anything with. I can finally enjoy a holiday season without the burden of worry. I can see the Christmas lights and smile... not wonder how I will find a way to buy gifts for my children. I look forward to going to sleep and waking every day with my partner by my side.
I know that while things aren't where I want them to be YET, they are indeed headed in the right direction. — feeling loved 

**********

A few years ago, I told my mom that I was "finally content" after my divorce. Unfortunately, I had content confused with happy!

In 2013, I learned that life isn't about just settling for things. If something is not making you happy, you are responsible for changing it! I did what I needed to and found the best thing ever! I am thrilled to wake up every day to see what will happen next.

I have a beautiful family, a great job, amazing friends.... I am the luckiest person on earth... and I know that 2014 will be even more awesome.

 Happy New Year to each of you. May your world be filled with happiness and goodness and love. And thank you for playing whatever part you play in my life. You are still here because you add to my happiness!!!  — feeling Amazeballs.

Appreciating My Family

*{This was a post from last Christmas, when I got out my decorations.}*

So I was completely bummed out today because what little Christmas stuff that I have hung on to after my many moves over the past several years (I held onto things with sentimental value) was mostly ruined when I got it out of my storage today. Somehow, water got into this plastic tote and anything that had material/fabric was covered in mold and had to be thrown away. Many of the ornaments that had paint were peeling, so they also ended up in the trash.

But...

The more I thought about it, the better I felt. I have wonderful, NEW additions to my family... Ashleigh and Carley are happy and healthy, and we have a lot of memories. I don't have to hang on to every ornament they ever made me to prove that. So, maybe it is time to get new, fresh Christmas decorations to help create new memories. The more I processed all of this, the more I became happy about putting my tree up early (due to the schedule with the kids), and I think I'm even starting to get excited about this holiday season.... which is something that I haven't really felt in a long, long time.

I've said it before, but I will say it again:
Life is, indeed, very good....  — feeling blessed and loved with Jonathan Lee.

Jesus, Take the Wheel

Sometimes you just need to pray. Life seems to be going just fine, and then all of a sudden, the phone rings... You take a step back and maybe reevaluate where you’re headed and how you’re getting there.

I received just such a phone call today. It turns out that a close relative of mine is having a stint put in tomorrow morning. I realize that over time, this procedure has become a "routine" thing, but routine or not, I'm still going to worry!

So, after the phone call, I hit my knees, and took some time to bow my head and have a talk with God. I know that worrying about this surgery is not going to help... in fact there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change the outcome at this point... so the only thing left was to pray.

As long as I was down on my knees, I took the time to be thankful for all of the blessings in my life, and say prayers for some of the other people that I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by. It had occurred to me that it had been far too long since I had actually just spent some time focusing on spiritual matters. I was due, and it felt good.

Then, on my way to work, I heard a song that always moves me to tears, no matter what state my life is in at the time... "Jesus Take the Wheel," by Carrie Underwood. I felt like it was a message, letting me know to just trust in Jesus, and everything will turn out ok. So, instead of stressing and worrying about my loved one tonight... I am stepping back and praying that God take care of him and keep him safe.

Anyone that is reading this, if you wouldn't mind setting a clock/alarm for 9:20am tomorrow (EST), please take a moment to say a prayer for my family member. It would mean so much to me..!! Thank you.

P.S. I've added a link to the song if you're interested...
 Jesus, Take the Wheel

A Shift in the Force

Something really needs to be said for women's intuition... I don't know if every woman is as in-tune to theirs as much as I am, but when I have a gut feeling, I've found that it's best to listen to it.

Sometimes, when I meet someone new, I'll get a funny vibe from them that nobody else around seems to pick up on. I will say something later about it... and inevitably, they will show their true colors and I will say, "See? I knew there was something about them!" It has happened often enough that my close friends have begun to really pay attention!

So, I recently had an usual gut feeling. As many of you know, my ex husband went on deployment and of course I didn't know when he was coming back. I didn't know how long he was going to be gone or anything.

It was the morning of Carley's 5th grade graduation, and I had spent the night at my friend's house, since she was going to the graduation with me. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, and I felt what could only be described as "A Shift in the Force." I walked out of the bathroom (toothbrush still in hand) and looked at Jessica and said, "He's back." I had no reason to think he was, and I don't normally think about him while doing mundane tasks like brushing my teeth. Somehow, he popped into my head, and I KNEW he was back! She said I was crazy, and we finished getting ready.

Sure enough, we got to Carley's graduation, and who do you think was sitting there? Yup, you guessed it! I have no idea how I knew, but I was 100% sure that he had come back. Apparently, he had just returned the night before.

So, in a somewhat related note (pertaining to my ex)... I have recently come to peace with my past (I know, you're thinking, "It's about time! It's only been 5 years!!"). But, at one point, I loved this guy with everything in me. I loved him from the topmost hair on my head, to my finger tips and toenails. He was my whole world, and I was wonderfully happy. Unfortunately, things didn't work out, and we both turned our love for each other into hatefulness and bitterness. It has taken me a long time to work past it, but I believe I have. I'm no longer angry. I am happy with how my life is turning out, and I have forgiven him for any pain that was caused on his end of our marriage.

Sitting at Carley's graduation, I looked over and realized how unhappy he looked. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with jet lag, but this was how I was seeing him. For a long time, I was upset because I felt that he had gotten the best years of my life... My youth! Anyone that knows me, knows that I am more than aware that I only get one life to live. I want to make the very best of it and enjoy it to my absolute fullest that I possibly can. It angered me that I'd spent 13 years of my life with him, just to end up so angry and bitter!

But, considering that I'd recently lost 35 pounds, and in better shape than I have been in a long  time, and am generally happy with myself... I looked over at him and just felt sad. I think the story goes the other way. I feel that I actually stole his best years... I feel sad for him. Talking to him after the graduation, I could still see anger and hatefulness in his eyes. All I can think is that I wish I could help him to let it go. I wish he could find peace and move forward with his life. I don't know how he will, but I hope he does. I know that I have.

I can now honestly say that I really do wish nothing but the best for him. I know that when he wants to be, he can be a very kind and caring person. I know that he will never direct that kindness towards me, but I’m ok with that. I just pray that someday, he can find his inner peace because carrying around this bitterness is so unhealthy, and it spills over into the people around him. Our children feel it and it pushes them away from him. I don’t know if he will ever realize it, but I see it every day.

I hope he figures it out before it is too late. I have actually begun to say a prayer for his peace every now and then… mostly because I love my children and want them to have their dad in their lives for a long time… but I think a part of it is because I did love him so very much at one point in my life.

My Support Group

I received this message yesterday from a dear friend. It completely made my day, so I feel compelled to share...

"I just got done reading your Dec and Jan blog posts and I have decided that you need to raise my kids. You are so strong and amazing and I want my ***** to be just like that. I dont have half of the awesome that you do. I would have crumbled and cranked and went crying back to my parents if I had faced a 10th of what you have. I can't imagine going thru what you went thru the last 5 years and not being a bitter hateful and depressed person. You are amazing and when I grow up I wanna be just like you!!"

How can she think for a minute that she isn't amazing, when she can send me a note like that, just out of the blue?? I know her daughter is in the best of hands, and will just as wonderful as she is! I really did appreciate the love & encouragement she had sent, though. I wouldn't have half my strength if it weren't for the support of my friends & family.

I've said it before... I really am surrounded by the most beautiful, amazing & loving people. I am thankful every day for that!

Being Grateful, Prayers

I have spent the entire morning sending out cover letters with resumes, and filling out online job applications. It's a long, tedious process, and to be honest, I have no idea if I'm making any headway at all. Pretty much all of the job site places are inundated with so many people looking for work... and just sending out resumes IN CASE they lose their current job, that I feel like I'm just getting buried in the shuffle. I feel like I need a "gimmick" or something to make my resume really stand out... I'm open to suggestions! I really don't know if I'm just wasting my time, or if the phone will actually ring sometime soon.

I guess we shall see.

I do have an appointment with the Unemployment Office tomorrow morning. I filled out everything I could about my request to collect unemployment online, on Sunday night. On the application, there were boxes that asked
why I was terminated,
if I was aware of whatever rule that was broken,
if I had been notified of this rule,
if I had ever been formally reprimanded,
if I felt the termination was justified,
and what I felt the actual reason for termination was, if I did not agree.

SO, I don't know if the Labor Board actually follows up on this or not, but they have been notified of the situation.

In other news... I spoke with a family member today, and was reminded once again that my situation is not nearly as dire as it could be. For instance, I still have a roof over my head, my children and dog are safe, and unemployment will at least cover my child support payments.

My life does NOT include any drama or violence.

While I know that we are all fully aware of how fortunate we are in regards to our support systems and the people that care about us, sometimes it is easy to get so wrapped up in our own "problems" that we forget that there are many people that have it worse off than we do....

In my case, I have just such a person in my own family.

So, although it isn't a lot, I did what I could to help her out.

Recently, a friend did something for me, and even though I don't have a job right now, I am fortunate enough to be able to forwarded the favor along to my loved one. I am hoping that very soon, she will be in a situation where she will be able to forward something similar to someone else that is needing the help.

Meanwhile, I would appreciate it if you could all just mention a "general" prayer for her at some point today. She could really use all the love and positive vibes that she can get. Her situation is difficult, but she has two very small children to care for, and that is making it even harder for her.

Wishing love, safety, and a violence-free path for all of you....

Finding Myself

Have you ever just stopped everything and looked around?

I don't mean that you look at the things inside the room that you're in. I mean, actually take inventory of your life. Sometimes, you just have to consider what is happening, and make any necessary adjustments. "Tweak" your situation, if you will.

Recently, I've come to one of those places in my life. I've had a problem with being "happy" lately. I refuse to consider that I might be depressed, and I do not want to go on any medication for this. That was how I dealt with my life when I was married. I'm done with that approach.

So, I've decided to make changes, and FIND my happiness....

I started this blog, because I was moving out of the traditional home, rent, utilities, etc. lifestyle, and working to catch up on the bills in my life. This all seemed like a good idea, had I been able to do things my way. The problem is that when you're in a relationship, you make compromises with the one you love. He did not want to live in a tent... so we ended up living with his sister. I'm unhappy about this situation, because now we're not paying bills, and she has more. How is that right? So, I tried it for about 2 1/2 months, and it still is not sitting well with me.

I'm moving out.

Chuck and I moved in together shortly after we had met, because we were able to financially support each other. We both acknowledged that it was way too early in our relationship for such a move... however, it turned out great for us! We get along wonderfully, and we're the best of friends. Four years later, we still laugh at the same stuff, enjoy the same movies, and so on....

*But*

When we met, it was right after both of us got out of long-term relationships... and we never got our "me" time before moving in with each other. I need that time. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and say that he probably does, too.

Now, nobody panic... Chuck and I are NOT breaking up. If anything, my planning this move has made us even closer, because I've discussed my feelings and thoughts with him, and he understands where I am coming from. How could I not love him for being so kind and understanding… and SUPPORTIVE!

So, Ashleigh and I are moving into an apartment together, and Chuck and I will “date” like we should have to start with. It’s going to be really tough, with my paying child support and Ash not having a hugely well-paying job… but we can do this. Besides, I know that if I ever really do need help, I can ask for it. I have a lot of friends that are willing to be there for me.

So, it’s not the adventure that I wanted when I started writing this blog, but it is a new chapter in my life. I will be going back to “Minimum Payment Hell” but maybe it will give me the opportunity to sit back and remember who Brenda is... And then, when Chuck and I do decide to move back in with each other, it won’t be for financial reasons, and our relationship can be stronger because we’re both happy with ourselves first.

Survivor Tattoos

This past weekend, my older daughter, Ashleigh, and I went and got tattoos.

It was my birthday gift from her, celebrating my 5 year anniversary.

Ashleigh's is on her foot...

Mine is on my back, between the shoulder blades.

Thanks, Ash! I love you!! ~Mom



Positive Vibes

Ok, so I haven't been on here in a while. Sorry.

To be honest, I was feeling bad, because I felt like my blog was becoming a continuous bitch session. It is a good place to air out my problems and vent, but at the same time, I am sure that I come across as this "Negative Nancy" to anyone that doesn't know me.

SO, I've decided to follow in the steps of a friend, and make today a {{{Positive Vibes}}} day. I would like to take the time to discuss the positive qualities of all of the wonderful people in my life, but I'm not going to bore you all with detail like that.

Let me just mention a few people at the top of my list, and hope that the people I don't take the time to mention will know that I do still appreciate them in my life as well!

CDL - I love that you support me in everything that I do. You listen to me, and you give me feedback when I act a little crazy. You make me laugh when I get too stressed. It drives me up the wall! Thank you.

AW&MW - I appreciate you two more than you know!! You've taken me into your home not once, but twice, when I've needed it the most. I can only hope that one day I can find an appropriate way to repay you.

JAA - I thank God for every day that you have been in my life. Taking you into my heart was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. You have made me a better, more patient person, and you constantly remind me how to look at the funny side of life. I couldn't be more proud!

CNA - You are becoming more like me every day. I am so excited about that! (I'm also hoping it drives your Dad crazy!! lol) You are smart, funny, and independent. I miss you more than you will ever understand, and I love you. You are my light at the end of the tunnel.

GJM&TGM - Thank you for always being there to listen to me vent about the issues in my life, without ever overstepping any boundaries. You realize that I am a very independent, proud person, and you never tell me how you think I should live my life. You offer advice when solicited, but mostly, you just hear me out. That is all I ever really need. I am so greatful that you are my parents!

DM - There was a long time that I didn't have you in my life, and I missed you more than you will ever know. I have always considered you to be like a big sister, and I am so excited to have you as a friend again. I love that you listen to me vent about my life, and make me laugh when you vent about yours. I appreciate our phone calls, and everything else that you have done for me as well. Thank you for being a friend.

MM - The other person that I call to vent about my life. I realize that you have issues in your life that are equal to mine, but you always take the time to listen when I need it. I value all of the constructive criticism that you give, and I appreciate that you can take my criticism for what it is... Just my Opinion. You make me laugh when things look bad. Thank you for being my friend over these years!

To everyone else out there... If you were not mentioned in the above list, please don't be upset! I have such a wonderful support group that is made up of so many people! I get phone calls, text messages, e-mails, and messages on my social network... Random kind words mean so much! I have been back in contact with some "long lost" cousins, reunited with some old Navy friends, and grown closer to some people that I went to high school with. I am thankful for every part that all of you play in my life, no matter how big or small that part may be!

So, instead of complaining about the fact that my jeep broke down, again, on Saturday... I'm going to just say THANK YOU to everyone that has already heard me bitch about it, and move on!

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Karmic Time Out

Sometimes, I can be very impatient. Sometimes, I can be very selfish. Sometimes, I get annoyed about little things, but in my mind, they are so much bigger. Then, later on, I think, "What was the big deal?"

This morning, Chuck forgot something at the house, and since I would be driving close to where he now works, he sent me a text, asking me to drop it off for him.

The problem was, I didn't get the text until after I'd left, so I had to turn around and get the item. That put me about 5 minutes behind.
Then, I had to swing by his work to drop it off, putting me another 5 minutes behind.
Then, because I was now running 10 minutes behind schedule, I passed the elementary school when all the kids were arriving, putting me another 10 minutes behind.
On top of it, I wound up behind a semi, and a motorcycle tailgating me (wtf? Who tailgates on a motorcycle?) for most of the drive to work.

But, I still wound up arriving 10 minutes before 8am, so I still wasn't late.

Still, the whole thing just threw my morning off, and irritated me to no end. Why? Really, what was the big deal? So I had to drive out of my way a little bit. He wasn't asking for anything major.

It wasn't his fault that I was annoyed.
It was me.
I need to get over myself!

I do try to be compassionate and caring, but I know that because I'm not a morning person (at all!!), my patience is so much thinner.

I have a morning routine;
     daily habits,
          coffee-time ritual.

Am I really that "old and set in my ways?" Geez, Brenda, get a grip!

Why is it so easy to become annoyed and impatient with the people that we care about the most? If Chuck's sister had asked me to run and do something for her really quick, first thing in the morning, I would have done it willingly. But, the person that is my "other half" is the one that receives the negative energy.

All I can say is that I'm glad I didn't say anything snotty to him this morning when I dropped off the item (that would've required an apology later on today), and that I had the whole rest of the drive to work to consider my own reactions. Perhaps that is why God put the semi in front of me. He needed me to slow down and consider what a difficult person I had just been.

It seems that I was put into a Karmic "Time Out" and I would say that I'd earned it.

La, Da, Da, Da, Life Goes On

So, I realize that I haven't been on here in a few days. Life gets a little hectic when I'm not following my usual routine. So, quick summary of what's been going on, while my Kiddo is taking a shower (then we're watching a movie).

1st day of vacation: Thursday: Ash, Carley & I went to Carter's Lake and went swimming. Would've been more fun if the sun had shined the whole time. Instead, we had dark, threatening clouds. It was a good time for us to just chill and talk about what is going on in our lives, though, without all kinds of distractions. Sometimes, life takes over and we forget to just sit down and talk. It was really nice.

2nd day of vacation: Friday: Ran some errands, got the oil changed on the jeep, and tried to find khaki pants and a black polo shirt for working at Michaels. Struck out at three different stores, then ran out of time. Went to a Miche party (you really should check these things out... I have one and LOVE it!!)

3rd day  of vacation: Saturday: Tried going to the outlet mall to look for some clothes to work at Michael's and to get Chuck some new T-shirts and shorts. It's become a tradition that we take him shopping right after his birthday every year, otherwise, he may never get new clothes! He was really looking forward to it. On the way there, we decided to stop at Arby's drive-thru for something to eat. While in the drive-thru, the clutch went out on Rita Wrangler. (many, many expletives) We spent the afternoon waiting on a tow truck only to have them show up and tell us how to "nurse" the clutch until we got home. Great idea, since USAA would only tow it 16 miles, and I needed it to be 40 miles away... So, it's in our driveway, and will go to the mechanic's on Monday.

4th day of vacation: Sunday: went to work with Ash at 8:45am so that I would have a ride to my first day at Michael's. I didn't have to be there until 12:30, so I pretty much rode in early, and waited around all morning. Super boring, but I didn't have a ride otherwise.

5th day of vacation: Monday: we will be dropping off the jeep, then go to a consignment store with Monica & see if we can find anything for Carley for school, then go to a little water park that is only $5/person! (yay).

6th day of vacation: Tuesday: Not really sure what we have planned for that day. Depends on whether or not my jeep is finished. We were planning on all going to a movie Tuesday night, since we do still have two free movie tickets. Not sure what we're gonna see, tho.

Anyhoo, that's the low-down. Not a whole lot of my usual insight, trying to psycho-analyze myself and my every action. That's the great thing about having my kids in my life. I'm WAY too busy to dwell on all of my issues. I'm a happier person. I love being a family. I love being needed. I love raising my children. I love being a mother. I don't love the idea of taking her back to Florida. But, I will. Because I have to. But, I don't have to like it.

Happy Monday

Well, turns out that the yard sale was somewhat of a success... We made just over $300. I was hoping to get closer to $500, but the larger items didn't go. Chuck and his sister ended up taking the smaller stuff to Goodwill, and we're going to try putting the remaining furniture on Craig's List to see if that works out. But, hey, that is $300 we didn't have, that can go towards fixing Chuck's car and I can get my jeep back... Which is good, since it looks like I've gotten a part-time job!

I'm going by Michael's this afternoon to fill out some paperwork. They have me on the sales floor, but will also cross train on the registers. It's not going to make me rich, but a little extra money would be nice. Since we don't do a lot in the evenings, I figure I should make myself useful and earn some extra money a couple of nights a week.

Also, in other news, my landlord called. We only paid him half of the rent on July 1st, and were going to give him the rest on the 15th. He said not to worry about it, and that he is going out of town on vacation, and wouldn't be back until August 17th. We were planning on being out of the house by July 31st, but he said that we can stay in the house, rent-free until Aug. 20th, since he doesn't want to leave it vacant while he is out of town. So, there is a blessing as well!

In addition to all of the other current blessings in my life, I have both of my daughters at my house right now. My older one lives with me, so I get to see her all the time, which I love! The minute she graduated high school, she packed up her things and moved up here. My younger daughter, unfortunately, doesn't have that option. So, I get her whenever I can. She will be here until July 31st. It is so wonderful to look up and see her smiling face. I really miss being a "family." I hadn't realized it until she was here. I know that I have my boyfriend, my older daughter, and me, all living in the same house, but we don't really feel like family, because we're always doing our own things. Having Carley there makes me feel so loved and needed again. I had no idea how much I'd missed it!

Sadly, every time I feel joy of having her here, it is immediately squashed by the constant reminder that she has to leave again so soon. Her visit is so bittersweet. I feel like a pot full of emotions all mixed in together, never knowing which one will come out next! But, all I can do is enjoy every minute that I can with her while she is here.

No Words

I picked up my 10 year old from her grandmother's last night, and she will be spending 2 weeks with me before going back to her dad's in Florida.

I wanted to do a post about how much I love her, how much I wish she lived here with me, the injustice of it all, and so on... but honestly? Just thinking about it has had me literally bawling my eyes out for the past 20 minutes. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I love her so much, and I'm so excited and happy to have her here, sleeping 10 feet away... and yet I can't stop crying.

I've only see her 2 other times this year. Because money has been so tight, I literally could not afford to drive down and see her very often, and she keeps growing! All I can think about is the time that I'm missing. I'm her mother, she should be with me. And now he's remarried and she calls her step-mom "Mom." Why does life have to be so cruel? Who in the heavens did I piss off to get such a wonderful, beautiful child, and then to have her dangled from arm's reach... Only to see her once every few months?

The crying won't stop, and I don't want her to wake up and see me, so I'll end this. I planned on something much more articulate for today, but I just don't have the words.

We're Going Camping

If I were to call you and say to you, "Friend, I have 2 weeks of vacation, so Chuck and I have decided to go camping." Your response to me would probably be something about asking me where... and I would mention some local State Park that you've never heard of... We would discuss things like borrowing a cooler from someone for our food, sleeping bags, lanterns, the mosquitoes and sunscreen... you may even offer your family's favorite campfire food recipe... It would all be a lovely discussion about communing with nature, and people we care about. The conversation may eventually change course to stories about when you went camping as a kid, or maybe plans you have to take your own kids camping this summer. It is a nice pleasant conversation, and there's no reason for you to look down your nose at me for going camping for a couple of weeks. Going camping does not qualify me as having "lost my mind."

Now, allow me to adjust our phone call just slightly. Instead of a couple of weeks, I actually say a couple of months. Instead of vacation, I tell you that we are still planning to go to work every day. Instead of staying in a state park, I mention that we would be asking different friends if we could park the camper in their yard for a few nights at a time. Instead of paying rent for a home that we can't afford, I tell you that we plan to sell everything that is not sentimental to us, and to get a small storage unit for the few things we have that are worth something.

Does our conversation still end nicely? Or have you by now begun judging us? Are you still my friend, offering recipes, or are you chiding me for my life's decisions?

How about if I add yet another aspect to our rocky conversation. Perhaps I tell you that we've been consumed with unhappiness and depression for the past three years because we don't go out and spend any money on our own happiness, if there are important bills due. Maybe I could explain to you that we have actually stopped paying any bills that we don't HAVE to pay in order to pay rent and buy groceries. Finally, I continue to explain to you that we am unable to pay rent once again, and are facing the same decisions right now that caused us to leave Jacksonville... If we continue on the path we're on, we could be facing eviction in a couple of months.

Do you change your tune, and try to be more empathetic, or do you continue to berate me and tell me how I'm stupid and doing the wrong thing? Everyone has their own opinion of things that they can tolerate. Perhaps living in a pop-up camper for a few months is not an option for you. For me, it's no big deal because I'm not afraid of "roughing it."

To me, living in a camper is an opportunity to take my life back. Maybe I should explain to you how we have been living. Maybe I should I tell you that we are literally in the situation that if we are invited to a party, we could not go because we can not afford the gas it takes to get across town. What if I tell you that when we leave work on Friday afternoon, we go home and literally do not leave my house most weekends for fear of spending any money on gas, or God forbid, the dollar menu at some fast-food chain. If we were to do that, it would cause the rent check to bounce because there is literally NO cushion in there for things like that.

Do you still judge me? Or do you think I am exaggerating? Do you think this is a plea for attention? If you answer yes to any of these things, then perhaps I should think twice before calling you and discussing my life with you. Chuck and I are doing what we feel is going to HELP OURSELVES get out of the situation we are in. I'm sorry you don't approve. As the saying goes... "If you're not for me, you're against me." All I ever needed was support and encouragement. Someone to answer the phone and listen to me when I vent. I do not need someone telling me how stupid I am.

Experiment in Human Goodness.

Wow, I seem to have opened the flood gates here. Let me set a few questions straight...


1. Chuck and I both have full time jobs. We are not unemployed and will have money coming in. If anything ever happened that we do not have a place to stay "that night" we do still have the option of staying with his family or in a hotel. We are not "on the street."

2. This is a radical decision that we have put a lot of thought into. The life that we have been living for the past three years has been unhappy, depressing, and frankly, we have not been able to have a real relationship because of it. So far, nothing that we have tried has worked. I have taken 2nd jobs in the past, but it's only helped for a little while because $100 here and $150 there can only do so much. We have bigger fish to fry, and we intend to do so.

3. I do appreciate all the calls of concern, but again, this is not a cry for pity or sympathy. Please do  not call me with "there must be some other way." Believe me, if there were, we would have found it by now. We are two intelligent, able-bodied adults, and between us, I believe we can form a thought every now and then. (Sorry about the sarcasm, but my last two phone calls were riddled with it.)

4. Finally, I would like to re-iterate that we will NOT be sleeping in our vehicles, or on a park bench in a snowstorm... unless that is our express decision to do so.

We do have options...
We will have our cell phones...
We will still have income...
We will still have food...
We will still have family/friends...
We are not dying...
We are not boozers begging for change on the side of the intersection.
We are two people that are making a radical change to make radical differences in our lives.
We are thinking "out of the box."

I would like to take this time to express my appreciation to the people that have called today and expressed their love and concern! Calls like this show me that this is something that is possible.

Think of it as an Experiment in Human Goodness.