Thursday, October 15, 2015

Getting My Thoughts Out of My Head

I once heard my uncle say, "The people that study psychology are the people that need it the most."

That may be quite true.

During my college years, I changed my major several times, but the one constant was my minor of psychology. I have always felt this overbearing need to figure things out, including myself.

Because of this need, even as a child, I was compelled to talk with people about things that I felt were noteworthy. During the 80's, however, children were not taken seriously. After all, what life experiences have we had? So as I got older, I made efforts to learn bigger words and start using them in sentences. It made little difference.

My overbearing need to discuss the things in my head, and be heard, was not fulfilled.

Over time, the big lesson that I learned was that not all people think like I do. I can take a subject and dissect it until I know every aspect. Every single angle. Then, I want to talk to someone about the subject before starting from the beginning and reanalyzing the whole thing with the new information.

I thought everyone thought like this.
Turns out, they do not.

People think I'm "worrying" a situation. The funny thing is, however, that I sleep like a baby most nights. I've never suffered from insomnia. I can put my thoughts in a box, go to sleep, and open it back up in the morning. I'm not worried or stressed. I just have this obsessive need to figure out how something works.

The "Why" of it.

"It" could be something as obvious as a puzzle or algebraic equation, or as complicated as how to try to let someone back into my life after they have hurt me. And not everything creates deep thoughts, either. Some things do, some do not.

A part of my need to understand things includes talking about the subject with someone whose opinion I trust. Often times, my thinking out loud with someone as my sounding board tends to just make it harder for me.

I'm not looking for an answer when I talk to someone. That's the easy part! I need to take the subject apart and look at all of the parts and pieces. I have to know what each and every little part does. What each means to the whole.

Often times, when the person I'm talking with gets frustrated because I'm still pondering everything instead of listening to their answers. They give up and just tell me how much harder I'm making it on myself by over analyzing the situation.

But I can't stop!
I HAVE to figure it out in my head until I come up with some sort of conclusion. I must find a way to make peace with whatever it is in my head. Once I've done that, I'm finished with it!

I used to spend a lot of time apologizing to my friends or loved ones when I have basically reached what I call my Critical Mass Stage, but all I ever wanted was someone to understand.

These people have hurt me by yelling at me for not taking their resolution to the problem.
They get frustrated at me for putting too much thought into something that they deem unworthy.
They are actually mad at me because my mind thinks differently than theirs.

I try to explain.
Very few people have ever understood.
So I apologize to the ones that don't, and learn to talk more to the people that do.

I would like to think that all of my psychology classes have helped with that... or maybe it's just given me more to think about...

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Write a book, they said....

Over the years, like anyone, I have underwent so many changes in life. My struggles aren't any worse or more important than the next person. Mine are just different.

Because of that, I've been told by several people that I should write a book about my experiences. Other people, they say, may be interested in what I have been through; and how I, personally, delt with life's challenges. I pushed the idea around in my head for a very long time. Other than this blog, what do I know about writing? And not a lot of people even read this!

Self doubt can be a crippling disease.

So is it worth all the work involved, only to risk failure?

I finally decided that maybe it would be. If my story can help one child deal with the fears of adoption.... one woman better face a cancer diagnosis... one stepmom find her path easier... then maybe yes. It would be worth it.

So, I began to brainstorm and put a tell able order to my life. I want to remember all of the really great stories to keep it funny, because the not so funny parts could get really hard to read for anyone experiencing what I went through.

Here is what I've come up with so far:

The first really important thing that I've learned in life is that things always get better. Of course, my luck being what it is, it always gets worse before it gets better.... but there is light down there somewhere. I promise.

The second thing I know actually came from the words of a song. "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." I could probably write an entire book on how things didn't go according to my plan... but then ended up so much better than I had ever dared to hope.

And I think the third really important thing that I want to share has to do with courage. So many people have told me how "brave" I am.
How they admire my "courage."

Shhhh! I have an ugly little secret. I'm a coward. I fight for so many things in my life, not because I'm brave. Not because I have balls of steel. I fight because I'm afraid! The alternative of my situations have scared the crap out of me!!

You've heard of the "Fight or Flight Response?" I have a really strong fight reflex, apparently.

I've spent countless hours in my life, praying to God to help take this or that tradegedy away, so I can just crawl back to my comfort zone. Instead, per my 2nd lesson (above), God has his own plans.

I wasn't brave! I just didn't get a choice in the matter.

So. I am going to attempt to write a book. I know nothing of writing. But I do know my life. All I can do is pray that God helps me find the right words to help someone... anyone... to find their way out of their comfort zone and find the "courage" needed for their own situation.