Thursday, June 28, 2012

A Shift in the Force

Something really needs to be said for women's intuition... I don't know if every woman is as in-tune to theirs as much as I am, but when I have a gut feeling, I've found that it's best to listen to it.

Sometimes, when I meet someone new, I'll get a funny vibe from them that nobody else around seems to pick up on. I will say something later about it... and inevitably, they will show their true colors and I will say, "See? I knew there was something about them!" It has happened often enough that my close friends have begun to really pay attention!

So, I recently had an usual gut feeling. As many of you know, my ex husband went on deployment and of course I didn't know when he was coming back. I didn't know how long he was going to be gone or anything.

It was the morning of Carley's 5th grade graduation, and I had spent the night at my friend's house, since she was going to the graduation with me. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, and I felt what could only be described as "A Shift in the Force." I walked out of the bathroom (toothbrush still in hand) and looked at Jessica and said, "He's back." I had no reason to think he was, and I don't normally think about him while doing mundane tasks like brushing my teeth. Somehow, he popped into my head, and I KNEW he was back! She said I was crazy, and we finished getting ready.

Sure enough, we got to Carley's graduation, and who do you think was sitting there? Yup, you guessed it! I have no idea how I knew, but I was 100% sure that he had come back. Apparently, he had just returned the night before.

So, in a somewhat related note (pertaining to my ex)... I have recently come to peace with my past (I know, you're thinking, "It's about time! It's only been 5 years!!"). But, at one point, I loved this guy with everything in me. I loved him from the topmost hair on my head, to my finger tips and toenails. He was my whole world, and I was wonderfully happy. Unfortunately, things didn't work out, and we both turned our love for each other into hatefulness and bitterness. It has taken me a long time to work past it, but I believe I have. I'm no longer angry. I am happy with how my life is turning out, and I have forgiven him for any pain that was caused on his end of our marriage.

Sitting at Carley's graduation, I looked over and realized how unhappy he looked. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with jet lag, but this was how I was seeing him. For a long time, I was upset because I felt that he had gotten the best years of my life... My youth! Anyone that knows me, knows that I am more than aware that I only get one life to live. I want to make the very best of it and enjoy it to my absolute fullest that I possibly can. It angered me that I'd spent 13 years of my life with him, just to end up so angry and bitter!

But, considering that I'd recently lost 35 pounds, and in better shape than I have been in a long  time, and am generally happy with myself... I looked over at him and just felt sad. I think the story goes the other way. I feel that I actually stole his best years... I feel sad for him. Talking to him after the graduation, I could still see anger and hatefulness in his eyes. All I can think is that I wish I could help him to let it go. I wish he could find peace and move forward with his life. I don't know how he will, but I hope he does. I know that I have.

I can now honestly say that I really do wish nothing but the best for him. I know that when he wants to be, he can be a very kind and caring person. I know that he will never direct that kindness towards me, but I’m ok with that. I just pray that someday, he can find his inner peace because carrying around this bitterness is so unhealthy, and it spills over into the people around him. Our children feel it and it pushes them away from him. I don’t know if he will ever realize it, but I see it every day.

I hope he figures it out before it is too late. I have actually begun to say a prayer for his peace every now and then… mostly because I love my children and want them to have their dad in their lives for a long time… but I think a part of it is because I did love him so very much at one point in my life.

Life Comes Full Circle

When I left Jacksonville, as many of you know, it was about a year after my divorce. I had no money, and working two jobs wasn't even enough. In addition, my ex was very angry and bitter (and so was I), and I had felt like he had alienated pretty much all of our friends from me. It was a low point in my life.

I thought there was no one left, so I moved with Chuck, to get away, and try to start over.

Recently, it has been drawn to my attention, how much life really does come full circle. One of the coolest things that I learned while being in the military, is how small the world actually is. I can recall sitting at the Daiquiri Palace in Palma, Spain, having a conversation with someone that I had never met... and finding out that he was from my same small home town, and graduated two years before me! We ended up having a conversation about our high school football coach!

My dad told me a story once about him and my mom going to the Grand Ole Oprey in Nashville on vacation, and he knew people that were sitting in a row nearby!

My ex husband ran into a guy that he went to Marine boot camp with in Rota, Spain... 12 years later!

So, it should be no big surprise when, after leaving Jacksonville, I move back and am constantly running into people that keep saying how much they missed me and have often wondered what had happened to me… and yet it does surprise me… EVERY TIME! I had no idea that my life had touched so many.

I found that I wasn't happy in Georgia, either.. and have since figured out that my happiness was inside of me the whole time, and I just didn't realize it. Life is what you make of it! So, I moved back, found my happiness, and am enjoying being single. I am surrounded by amazing, wonderful friends, who have my back no matter what! I often run into people that I knew when I was still in the Navy, I run into people that I knew while bartending and I run into people that I just knew from wherever. It is amazing how often I hear people say that I was missed and that they wondered how I was!

So, I just wanted to write this blog about how funny it is that life does turn full circle. I am so glad to be surrounded by wonderful people that still love me and care for me, even after not seeing them in years! We can pick right up where we left off and I am constantly being invited to be a part of their lives in some way or another. I do not have words to say how much it is appreciated! To say that I feel loved and cherished is an understatement.

Thank you to all of you that are a part of my life... whether you were, and no longer are... or if you've recently come back into my life... or if you've been there as a part of it all along. People come and go… but God brings back the ones that you need, when you need them. I wouldn't be the person that I am today, without all of you!!

I am a survivor... and I'm not talking about cancer here. I am surviving LIFE! I wouldn't be surviving nearly as well without each and every one of you there to back me up, though. So, THANK YOU, no matter what part you play.

I am so fortunate to have you in my life.