12-Step Program

I was talking to a friend the other day, and he asked me how life was going lately. I made the offhand remark of, "One day at a time."

He laughed in agreement, and said, "Life is like an AA meeting. You can only take one step at a time."

His comment got me to thinking about how there are steps for everything, and I began to wonder what steps I could take to improve my own life. Of course, when you google anything about taking steps, the first things you will find are The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, The 7 Stages of Grief, and Amazon.com selling any book & workbook ever created about self-improvement, step-by-step.

But, since I have very shallow pockets (and refuse to spend money on a self-improvement book), then I continued to dig deeper, and see what kind of free help I could find. Here's one that seemed interesting:

Life Coaching: Achieve Any goal With This 3-Step Process
1. Make sure you want it.
2. Make sure you know why you want it.
3. Make sure those closest to you know why you want it.

These seem like three very obvious steps, and I understand that the idea behind the questions is to get me really thinking about my own life (as if I need a list of questions to get me to do that!!). Maybe I haven't actually sat down and addressed each answer head-on in this way. Perhaps, if I consider each of these steps, I might have a more definitive idea of which direction my life is going.

*side note* Perhaps I should compile my own list and sell that through Amazon.com... that would solve a LOT of my problems!

Ok. Filing that one for future reference.

I did find something that may be imediately helpful... The situation that I find myself in lately has had me feeling down, and I'm not a huge fan of anti-depression medication. I've been on it before, and it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life, so I prefer alternative measures, but I've been neglecting myself lately. It's time I stopped doing that... so...

6 Steps for Beating Depression 

1. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - eat more fish (take a vitamin)

2. Engaged Activity - have conversations with people; keep the brain active (I'm alone in my office most of the day, and sit at the computer/watch TV at night)

3. Physical Exercise - start walking/running again

4. Sunlight Exposure - I do need more sunshine

5. Social Support - get in touch with friends and family more often (dial the phone!!)

6. Sleep - get plenty of rest (this one, I already do!)

Well, after all that research, I've decided to start my self-improvement with the 6 Steps for Beating Depression, but I'm also going to really address the questions under the 3-step process of Achieving Any Goal.... I already spend a lot of time thinking about my life, but I think it may help if I put it into a more organized perspective. It won't fix my problems, but maybe it will help me tackle them more easily. More to come!

Belly Laughs!!

**WARNING** This Post "can be" a bit crude... Includes cussing, vulgar references, drugs and alcohol...

I posted a question on my Social Network Page today, and my friends came back in true form. This is exactly what I needed to lift my spirits! I was literally BELLY LAUGHING every time I read one of these!

Me: I would like my facebook friends to comment, sharing how you met me. But I want you to LIE. Thats right, just make it up. Let's see what funny stories y'all can come up with...

GZ: I met you at a convention for nun's who broke their vow... You were running the booth for harley davidson clothing, next to my booth for nun's for equal rights as bishop's,priest's and popes. This convention took place in Nevada next to some bunny ranch..

KR: I met you on a street corner in Lima Ohio in 1991.......Oh wait that was someone else!!!! Now I remember it was on Craigslist a few years ago on the Erotic ads back before they took them off......Wait a minute who are you and how did you become my online friend!!!!!! LOL

GZ: I didn't want to tell the truth that I met you as you were trying to get me to join a group called farmers for goats :). I declined :)

SM: I don't remember, but i feel like The Hangover guys owe us some money...

SP: All I remember when I met you was that you had to try to explain to me (the paramedic) how you got that object there without blushing...lol

DM: It's still not clear, but people were chanting our names. : )

PS: We posted bail together, good times...

GZ: So, HOW did you get that stuck there? Lol

Me: Actually, it's a little hazy, between the prostitution in the nun's habit, the alcohol, and the chanting of  names... You should definitely watch the movie that they made about SM and I... it would explain it better... hahaha!!

GZ: Lol good one! When can I see it on you tube?

MRH: ...after the "Hustler" rights run out....

JH: First of all to understand how B. and I met, you gotta understand who B. really is. Now B. was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. She was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that she's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rottweiler fight promoter. So he puts B. into training. They see B.s good. She is damn good. But then she had the fight of his life. They pit her against her brother, Nibbles. And B. said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made her fight anyway, and B., she killed nibbles. B. said "that's it!" he called off all her fights, and she started doing crack, and she freaked out. Then in a rage, she collapsed, and her heart no longer beat. wow.

Me: So, how did I meet you again???

JH: obviously I was Nibbles, lol. 

Me: I had a feeling you were going to be nibbles... lol!

BC: I'm met you in church we sat in one of the pews together for a moment and then well........you ended up at a convention for nuns who broke their vows...go figure oh wait you said lie huh?

 SRS: we met at a tupperware party, you were wearing the most adorable apron, with matching pearls. we were discussing the love of household chores and how best we can serve our husbands and be the bestest sub- serviant wife ever.... then the alcohol wore off

DF: what the?. . like i have to tell you!!. . .i pulled over because i saw this girl riding down the street on an over sized tricycle . . she had pig tails and a purple shirt that said "OVER IT" in big black letters on the front. . .there was a gallon of tequila in the basket of the bike, so i was a little concerned she was gonna over serve herself and could get hurt. . .so i helped YOU finish that bottle!! . .

GPW: it was when I was in the army and had to rescue your navy ass. Your chopper went down and my team was tasked with saving the navy again. So there we where in the jungle of SA when you got bit in the ass by a snake I had to suck the poison out. Then I had to carry you over 20 miles to safety good thing you are light.

GWU: We met at Waterloo horse camp, you were stuck in the outhouse, your big bad attitude fell down the hole and you couldn't get out. Then when I pulled you out your parachute was still stuck in the shit, it was not pretty. After that I lost track of you, I think you moved to Costa Rica and had a chicken ranch. I heard you were back in the states, in Georgia? Still in the chicken biz or mostly gas?

(this one is my boyfriend) CL: Bridgett the Midget was in town along with Cowboy Roy, they were doin a 1 and a half man/woman show down at the Roxy...drinks were a plenty that night, boy that Bridgett and Roy put on one hell of a show, Roy with that lasso and Bridgett with all that midgetness goin on. You jumped on stage confessing your love for tall people while Bridgett pulls a knife, I jumped up on stage to protect you, Bridgett slashed at my leg(I got the scar to prove it), out of nowhere another midget jumped on your back and slashed at your chest, I shook Bridgett off my leg like a humpin dog, ran to you, Roy jumped in with his lasso and snatched the little fella from your back...True love ever since :)

Me: We even have the scars to prove it!!! hahahaha!!!

Heavy Heart

As I get older, I find my lifes relates to a small stream of water working it's way through stones. It sometimes flows quickly then slowly, before picking up speed again. It usually takes the easiest path, but can wear stones down to create a better path when needed. Often, the path may change suddenly, and without warning. That doesn't stop the water from flowing. It just takes a different route. Water is resiliant. It is strong and determined... and yet, it is only water.

This is me. It would seem that although plans and ideas have been made, they can change in an instant. Sometimes it is me making the changes because I've developed a better idea or whatever, or it is some outside influence causing the changes. Either way, I hold true to the saying, "I'm a woman, therefore, I can change my mind." My stream changes abruptly and heads in a different direction.

I have something going on in my life recently, that has caused my heart to become heavy. I am at odds with the situation. I am trying to decide what it is about my personality that is making the situation difficult. Should I put a rock down to stop the two streams from flowing together? Or do I open up more and allow more of my river to join into the bigger stream?

I realize that I'm being somewhat cryptic, but I have something going on in my life that is making me sad, and yet, I feel like I have no one to talk to. So... it gets put on here. But, if the person knows who I am talking about, they may become angry about my airing out their business. So, more than anything, I feel like I need to get some feelings out.

I feel sad.
Lonely.
Overwhelmed.
Useless and Hopeless.
Dependent.
Needy.
Unsure.

Above all, I'm angry.

I'm angry at myself because I feel that some situations in my past have made it more difficult to develop the correct friendships/relationships in my present. Because of some things that I've experienced, I have closed myself off from others, making it hard to trust anyone and let them in. Sadly, it is completely unfair to the people that I care about. I just don't know how let anyone in completely.

"Never lay all your cards out on the table."

Even after I figured this out about myself, I still have no idea what to do. I expect too much of people, then get disappointed, and then use that as a reason to wall people off. So, how do I know if my expectations are reasonable and that person just doesn't fit into the realm of what I want around in my life? Do I continue as I am, hoping to hold on as long as possible, before certain people in my life stop trying to get in and just walk away? I don't know what to do. Part of me says to just "set them free" while another part of me is screaming for them not to walk out the door.

Can you see the Libra in me? There is clearly a reason our symbol is the scales.

The one thing I can say, is that I do care deeply for this person, but I don't know how to tell if that is enough.

Loved One?

Before I get into the point of this blog, let me give a little background on me...

I am not good at picking up the phone. I don't call people. It's not because I don't think about you. It's not that I'm talking to someone more interesting. It's not that I have more interesting things to do with my time. In all honesty... it IS because I have a very boring life and I can't imagine that you would be at all interested in it. I'm not the type of person to pour my heart (or even most of my random thoughts) out to someone on the phone. I honestly don't want to "trap" someone on the phone and make them listen to me tell them that I went to work, came home, cooked dinner, watched a little TV, did some laundry, and went to bed... EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE since our last phone call. Nothing at all different.

"No news is good news," I always say.

So, I started a blog to air out my random thoughts, without roping anyone into having to listen to my rant over the phone. This leaves it optional to stop at any time...

That being said, I imagine that there are some people that are close to me that have their feelings hurt because I don't call more often (I don't exactly hear my phone ringing, either, though). Apparently, I come from a long line of people that have no idea what to say on the phone. I'm ok with that. Some people may not be, but then they could call me. I do answer the phone!

So, anyways, someone that I love and care deeply about (but probably don't call often enough) has left a very rude message on my "social network" page recently. I had posted something about this whole living rent-free thing, and some friends of mine understood where I was coming from and posted some words of encouragement. In addition, a couple of family members called me on the phone and discussed these decisions with me. Once we'd had our conversations and made sure I wasn't off my rocker, they also proceeded to post encouraging words on my page.

Then, there is this one person. I love her because of who she is, but we seldom see eye to eye. We both understand that about eachother and therefore do try to respect eacother's opinions... until now. Apparently, after reading my statements, rather than calling me (like the other relatives did), she decided it would be appropriate to write a scathing message towards me... and towards all of the other people that left any encouragement at all.

This seemed incredibly rude to me, so I deleted all trace of my plans. Rather than reply with a rude phone call, e-mail, or equally imbarassing statement on her page, I just left the matter alone for a little while... so we could both cool off. This is also why I haven't mentioned this in blog-form until now.

Being the Libra that I am, I needed to see it from all angles: Does she really have a right to react in the way that she did? Did I do something that warranted this type of behavior? Will I be able to call this person and discuss the event calmly and rationally? Will I be ok at the end of the converastion, if she still does not see my side of things? Have I waited too long to call?

Since I have not answered all of these questions in my head, I am hesitant to call. I did break down and attempt a few days ago, but got the answering machine. I did not leave a message. To be honest, I am at a loss for words for now. Say the wrong thing, and things go downhill fast. But, I know for a fact that the person knows I tried, because she has caller-ID. In fact, she is a "screener" and I believe it is quite likely that she was at home, saw it was me, and refused to answer, waiting to see what I would say on her machine. This, of course, is all speculation... and bitterness has begun working it's way in, I guess.

Anyways, in the long run, what I don't understand, is why she didn't just ask me about it, like the other relatives did? Why can't she give me the benefit of the doubt, instead of making rude accusations? Why did she feel it was appropriate to insult my other friends and family that were already more familiar with the situation, because they DID call and discuss it with me? Is the whole thing stemming from anger over the fact that I didn't call her immediately and discuss what I was going to do? When did we develop that relationship? Hasn't it ever occurred to her that this type of behavior may be the actual reason as to WHY I don't call her and discuss my life openly with her?

As I've stated earlier, I love her, but she doesn't call me whenever she makes changes in her life. I'm 35 years old. I was unaware that I was required to call her with every step that I took, since I was not required to do so in the past.

Now, don't for a minute think that I feel like I'm not responsible for anything. But, to be honest, the only thing that I can think of that would cause her to blow up like this, is that I'd discussed the subject with other people, instead of coming to her first. In addition, some of the people that I had discussed the situation with were people that she isn't a huge fan of (to say the least). I can see how that could hurt her feelings. BUT, if she had called and talked to me, I could have explained to her that those people called me. I did not call them. But she doesn't want to hear that. She would prefer to be angry.

So, I'm afraid that I will just allow her to be angry for a little while. While I do love her (of course!), I have enough stress in my life without worrying about one more person being angry at me for my life's choices. That's what I have an ex-husband (and his whole family) for.

The Bare Necessities

Thank you to "Miss Kitty" for this quote...

"Don't spend your time lookin' around for something you want that can't be found. When you find out you can live without it and go along not thinkin' about it, I'll tell you something true - The bare necessities of life will come to you" - Baloo

Yard Sale

Well, over the weekend, we started going through the things in our house, making categories: Yard Sale, Give Away, Storage.

Some went to Chuck's parent's new apartment, since they just moved into a place, and didn't have anything here in Georgia. All of their furniture is in New York, and they usually stay with Monica (Chuck's sister) whenever they were down here. So, it felt good to be able to help them out with some things. Even when we don't have much, we are still able to give anything that we can.

We are planning on having a yard sale this weekend, in Cumming, GA. If anyone is around, let me know. I'll send you the address to come out and buy our stuff!! Haha!

Finally, there are some important things that Chuck and I do not want to part with... I have an antique bed and dresser set, photo albums, his computer, stereo, and so on. We will be putting those items into a storage unit, rather than get rid of them.

The more items we get rid of, the more I can feel the weight lifting! The closer we get to the "moving out" date, the better I feel. It will be so much less stress to NOT have to worry about the rent, water and electric bill, the phone and Internet bill, and so on. We will be able to pay off a lot of this debt, and even put some money aside to save (gasp!) for when we do decide to get a place again. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to get some furniture that matches... and PAY CASH for it, instead of on credit?! I know this is not going to make us rich, but it will move us into the right direction.

I was once a stable adult with excellent credit. I intend to be again.

I want to own a home again some day. I want to be able to take a vacation, and still feel confident that the bills will get paid. I want to know that there is money in the bank in case of emergencies. I want some stability in my life. I miss that. I will NOT miss the stress that this has all brought. I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is a beautiful sight, that I haven't been able to see it in a very long time.

I'm checking off items like a checklist...
Straighten out medical bill with insurance company... CHECK!
Straighten out consolidation loan... CHECK!
Pay off one of the credit cards (higher interest)... CHECK!
CHECK, CHECK, CHECK! :o)

It's a beautiful thing...

Independence Day

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy 4th of July. This weekend has a separate meaning for me. It was the weekend, in 2000, that I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. I remember trying to get pregnant, wanting it, being excited about the idea of a baby of my very own... Then, I missed my period.... I tried not to get too excited as I waited for the stick to change.... I looked, and it was Positive! My first thought was, "Oh, no! This is gonna hurt!" lol. It did, but she is worth everything and more. I love my daughters, and am thankful for every minute that I get to spend with them.

So, Chuck and I went and picked wild blackberries this morning, and we are going to make cobbler for the 4th of July. We're headed over to his sister's house to get Alan's truck, so that we can go through our yard sale stuff and haul a bunch of it over to her house for next weekend. Otherwise, not a whole lot else going on. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!