Five Years Cancer Free

**This got pretty long, and I'm sorry about that!!**

Today makes 5 years. I can't describe what I'm feeling. This should be a celebration. Instead, I almost feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Below are sections of what I wrote 5 years ago in part of my blog. The site was called, My Life With Breast Cancer.
-----------

...about 6 months ago... I had found some lumps in my breast.... they were just little cysts, and were no big deal. ...a few weeks ago, I found a big lump on that same breast, but didn't panic, because I knew my 6-month check up was coming due. I had the check up, and I was told that the lump that I found was scar tissue....no big deal. BUT, under that were several calcium-like deposits.

The dr. referred me to Baptist Medical ...

When Baptist re-took my mammo and sonograms, they figured out that it was one lump, NOT scar tissue. The lump turned out to be rather large.

So, I got my biopsy done ... They took 6 samples from the one large lump and then drained 2 cysts. Then, the dr. saw on the ultrasound that the gland under my armpit was "unusual" so she took 2 samples of that. They called me with the results.
I do have breast cancer.
...Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

The dr. seemed pretty positive ... She said I have a rough year ahead of me ... I'm carrying an 80% survival rate.

...the biopsey on my lymph node came back negative, so they sent me to get an MRI. They also wanted to get a better idea of the size of the tumor... is larger than they first suspected from the mammograms, and although the origional biopsey on my lymph node came back negative, they said that it still looked irregular.... I need to get what's called a Sentinel Node Biopsey done.
----------

Because of the size of the tumor and the fact that cancer can get worse very quickly in younger people (your cells grow at a rapid pace when you're younger, both good cells and bad), we want to get this taken care of as soon as possible.
---------

I know that God has not decided to do this just to make my life miserable. He hast to have a long-term plan. ... Right now, I have a positive attitude (I'm invincible!) but down the road, I may be angry, and hit the whole "Why me????" stage.
-------------

...bloodwork on Thursday ...surgery on Thursday of next... In order to just put me "under" once, he's going to have me come in 2 hours early so they can inject me with some dye or something that will go directly to the two lymph nodes that they're worried about. Then, he'll make an incision to remove the tumor, and another in my armpit and remove just those two nodes.
----------

Many of you have commented to me on my positive attitude and the ability to maintain my sense of humor. While many of you may see it as my being strong, it may really be a slight bit of self-denial and a way to make light of the situation. Whatever it may be, it seems to work for me.

Really, I have no choice in the situation. I could sit around feeling sorry for myself because this has "happened" to me. I won't do that, though. I have too many people in my life to survive for... starting with my girls! So, my only other option is to look this in the eye and take it head on. Step by step, I know that I'll get through it with the help of all of my friends and family.
------

All along, I've had this "I don't feel sick, so there's nothing wrong with me" attitude. Then, I went to meet the radiation oncology doctor yesterday... after the appointment, I went home and enjoyed some quiet time, where my mind slowly started to take over. By the time I had to go to work, I was NOT in a good place (in my head). Fortunately, I have one of the coolest bosses in the entire world. Betty closed the place down, and let me just relax. I needed that more than she could possibly know! There was just no way my head was into working last night. I couldn't focus on anything. My mind was everywhere and nowhere all at one time. Definately a mess.--------

Just a side note ... surgery is at 10:55 tomorrow morning. If you could all set the alarms on your cell phones, watches, or whatever, and say a quick, silent prayer around that time, I would really appreciate it! I know God is watching over me, but every little bit helps, right?
----------

If the lymph nodes come back positive for cancer, I will require another surgery to remove those. Also, some of you have asked about reconstruction. The dr. said that 95% of these types of surgeries do not require plastic surgery, because my body should naturally build up scar tissue ... So, I should have a small scar from the incision, but nothing worse. The stitches will even be under the skin, instead of the outside.
-------

..the doctor took out the tumor and sent it down to pathology. It tested positive for cancer cells on the outside of what he took out, so he had to go back in to remove some more tissue, which came back negative for cancer on the outside. So, he got as much as he could from the tumor area.

Then, he ended taking out three of my lymph nodes. ...found some cancer cells in the first two, and the third one came up negative, so he stopped there...
---------

Well, I finally got my friend, Tammy, to help me remove the bandages last night. I was so worried about how "mangled" I'd be that I couldn't even look in the mirror until she swore to me that it wasn't as bad as I was imagining. I was so upset about looking that I felt like I was going to pass out and had to lie down on the bed!
So, I finally caved in and gave it a look... I have a horizontal cut where they took out the tumor that is about 3 inches long, and another cut under my armpit that is about 2 inches long. I think they should heal up pretty well, though.
-------

... The lymph nodes came back negative for cancer.... YAY! As for the tumor itself, the invasive cancer only took up about 1cm of the tumor. It was surrounded by what they call "pre-cancer" or non-invasive. He said that it looks like they got all of it out with the exception of one area, so he wants to get back in and take more out in that area. That would also be an outpatient procedure.
--------

I had a minor allergic reaction to the meds (chemo) so they stopped the drip and want me to return next Wed. for a different mixture of my "coctail."

...they had given me a saline drip, and then added benadryl to it. The benadryl knocked me out, and then they added herceptin ... while I was asleep, Tim saw that I was all red and flushed. He stopped the machine and got the nurse. ...my hands had also started to swell up. They monitored my temperature ... (low-grade fever) and finally decided to just send me home instead of continuing. Now, the doctor said it could be from either the benadryl OR the herceptin. So, when I go back on Wed., they're giving me less benadryl to make sure it isn't the herceptin that I'm reacting to.
---------

Wednesday and Thursday were spent sleeping, trying to get all of the benadryl back out of my system. ...aches in my legs that feel like the growing pains we'd get as kids. I was also having cramping, which felt like PMS cramps, but I knew that they couldn't be.....by that time, nothing tasted good at all... water, crystal lite, soda... NOTHING! ....I started having a nose bleed that lasted for about 45 minutes or so...
-----------

I talked with the doctor first, and she was concerned that the Avastin was causing my nose bleeds (had two right there in her office) and I had three of them today. So, rather than pump more chemicals into my system, she decided to hold off ...
Right now, my blood counts are a little low. Not dangerous, but low enough that it makes me tired pretty easily. I make myself a list of things I want to get done in a day, and am lucky if I get even 1/3 of them done. I'm not lazy, I just have absolutely no energy in me at all. It's very frustrating! So, I'm going in next Wednesday to get an Aranesp Injection to help boost my blood cell counts.
----------

I've been fighting a sore throat for over a week now. My throat hurts so bad that I can barely swallow, my glads under my jaw bone are swollen, and my ears hurt whenever I try to swallow.
---------

The Day my Hair Started to Fall Out
--------

Shaving my Head - I can't read this post without crying. I will never forget that day, as long as I live.
-----

I went and got my usual Monday Blood Test yesterday, and I had the nicest compliment! I had one of the scarves that I bought in Spain wrapped around my head into a bun in the back, and a lady came up and said how pretty it looked and even had me show her how to do it! She was so sweet.

Since I've lost my hair, I've begun wearing large earrings, large "Hollywood" sunglasses, and lots of bandannas/scarves. I've tried to wear my wigs, but just can't seem to get comfortable in them. They're not really "me." So, fortunately, I have a large collection of hats and scarves, because I always wore them before I went bald!
----------

So, Friday rolled around, and I spent all day in bed again. Nausea, lack of appetite, and screwed up taste buds will do that to a girl. I felt totally crappy and just wanted to be left alone to die. Lucky for me, my family won't let me off that easily (that was sarcasm). Didn't do much that night. Just hung around the house.
--------

Why is it that people think it's ok to tell me about how their Great-Aunt Bea died from lung cancer 20 years ago? Do they think I really want to hear about that? Then, they try to turn the ending into a positive by saying, "You'll be fine, though, because they've made so many advances in medicine since then." WTF??? Why tell me about someone who has died at all? Do they just HAVE to hear themselves talk? If you don't have a good story then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You're not being helpful to anyone at all.

Oh, and in the grocery store the other day, I actually had a guy ask me if I was "suffering from an affliction." Do I look like some rebellious teenager trying to get my parent's attention by shaving my head? I'm 31 years old! YES, I'm suffering from an affliction! GRRRRR! People just annoy me.

I feel fat, ugly, bald, scarred, pale, nauseous, tired, bored and boring, and angry/bitter. I'm sick of it all. And the LAST thing I want is for people to call me up trying to cheer me. It's not helpful. There is no cheering. This is cancer. No matter how you look at it. Funny thing is that it's not the cancer that makes me feel like crap. It's all the Drano they insist that I need. I just want to tell them to stop the drugs. I can't take it any more. Then I look at my girls and think, if it is helping, I have to do it for them. So, I'm stuck.
By now, all of you who have wondered this past week why I hadn't posted are now wishing that I STILL had not posted. Maybe I should have waited for one of my "good days" to let everyone know how I was feeling. Sadly, I haven't had a good day since Tuesday, and the more consecutive bad days that I have, the deeper into the pit I fall. I'll come back up eventually. I just don't know when. It's hard to see the light at the end of a very long, sick tunnel.

Oh, and on top of it all.... Brittany Spears actually SHAVED HER HEAD! What an idiot! I would kill to have hair, and she does it just because she's a spoiled little brat, trying to get attention. She makes me sick. I wish I had hair.... and she makes the news because of it! That's the worst part. People are at war, dying from dieseases, starving to death, being persecuted for their faith... and Brittany Spears makes headlines for shaving her head. Grrr! Stupid B!tch.

Alright, I guess that's enough venting for now. I'm going to go wallow in my pit for a while.

---------

Yesterday, my youngest asked me if I was going to die. Who put that into her head? What does she know about dying? That has never even been an option for me. I haven't even considered that I might die, so why is she asking this? I feel like someone trying to be "helpful" has mentioned to her that I could die from breast cancer, so now she's worrying about it. I can tell it's been bugging her for a little while, because she couldn't look at me when she asked, and was crying when she finally said it.------------

I am SO OVER this whole cancer and chemo thing. I'm done. I don't want to play their stupid game anymore. I can think of 1,001 things I'd rather be doing with this particular year of my life. Having cancer is NOT one of them.
--------

I've been feeling both hot and cold for the past couple of days... clammy, I guess. Terrible feeling. Plus, the taste of food is aweful, so I can only eat fruits and steamed veggies. Everything else is pretty gross. It's hard to stay hydrated this way.
---------

...the platelets were low... I got my blood work done again this week, and the platelets were still too low to do my big dose of chemo, so it was just Herceptin again today. The good news is that they were up to 92, and once they reach 100, I'm in the "safe zone" to do my chemo again. So, although I'm 2 weeks behind schedule, they are going up on their own. That means that I don't have to come in for injections every day this week, and I am no longer in danger of needing a transfusion! YAY!
-----------

My head hurts, my stomach is upset, I can't decide if I'm going to throw up or just sit next to the toilet, and my muscles ache everywhere. I feel like I've been beaten with a lead pipe.
----------

This is where my blogging ends. This is when my life completely turned to shit. I found out about some things and pretty much started drinking a lot to hide from the reality of it all. Eventually, it led to a breakdown in October 2007, where I admitted myself into the hospital, by telling them that I was an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic... I just couldn't figure out how to get away from everything... Away from a cheating spouse, away from the doctors and chemo, away from my kids (I realize that sounds horrible, but I wasn't able to cope), away from work, and away from the upcoming radiation therapy. I couldn't be strong any more, and that was what everyone still expected from me!

When I got out of the hospital, I stayed home for about two weeks before I finally left for good. I did finally go back to the doctor and finish chemo and radiation... and was finished with all of that by January 2008... just in time for my divorce to be final in February of that same year.

Many of you have asked why I just "gave" everything to Tim without fighting for anything. After reading this, hopefully, you can understand that I just didn't have any fight left in me. I couldn't fight with him any more, because I was so busy fighting for my health. I had to take priorities. Unfortunately, I've spent the past several years paying for those choices. If I had been better equipped (mentally) to deal with all of this pressure, I might have been able to have my children with me instead of leaving them. This is why when people say that they think I'm a strong person, all I can think is, "No, I'm not. I failed at the most important thing. My children."

But, I didn't write this blog as an excuse for my choices. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I know who my friends are and who loves me.

This is to aknowledge that it has been 5 very long, difficult years. Cancer changed my life, and it's not done yet. No matter how many years pass, I will always be a Survivor.