So Many Questions.

I got a phone call today.
The memories came flooding back.
It all seems too familiar.

I ran and ran until the crying stopped,
Trying to outrun the terror.
Gasping for air, I made my way home.

I took a shower after,
To cry and cry some more.
I sat on the floor, begging for help.
But no one came,
So I cried again.

I drove to work.
Spent the shift pretending
There was no call at all.
There was no panic in the shower.
Life moves forward.
Nobody can know.

Don't tell anyone.
It makes them uncomfortable.
They don't know what to say,
So they say it's probably not true.

Or they change the conversation
To themselves.

My fear is tossed aside
In order to make them feel better.
They try not to think about it.
I've been here before.
I know this game.
Until I have answers,
I have no answers.

They downplay my feelings.
My fears are tossed aside.
It's easier than talking.

Meanwhile, I continue to type.
Only this notebook listens.
Only it can hear my pain and see my fear.
Only I can wait for my own fate.

The clock ticks on while I wait.

Cancer Leaves Scars That You Can't Always See

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. I don't think about it much on a daily basis anymore, because over time, the emotional trauma has somewhat faded. The scars are just part of me like the nose on my face.

But quite often, someone crosses my path that is dealing with this terrible disease in some way, either themselves, or someone they care about. 
A friend of a friend started chemo today. I have never met her, but I understand what she is going through. So many questions, fears, worries. I pray that her experience goes well.
Suddenly, so many of the emotions come flowing back. I can still feel the ups and downs... the frustrations, exhaustion, and the loneliness involved. I was surrounded by people, yet still so alone. I am grateful to my friend for being there for her friend. It will mean so much for the rest of her, hopefully very long, life.
I still, to this day, can't find the right words to accurately describe my experience, other than that it is, indeed
LIFE CHANGING.
Saying prayers for my friend's friend.

**{This was a related post, several months later.}

I see so many of my friends and family struggling right now. I have seen the pain they are going through and I completely understand it. Some things feel like they really should just kill you!!
All I can offer is that I believe things do happen for a reason. My cancer diagnosis started a chain of events that brought a lot of pain and heartache. Things that I have no idea how I survived. Things that caused me to be angry and bitter in my heart for years!
Only to finally open my eyes one day and see. It was all to lead me to a place. To a person. To be a part of something bigger than just myself!
Now I have Jon, 2 more beautiful daughters in my life, and the little boy that I had always hoped for.
I look forward to seeing where the future will take us!
And I pray that those going through painful parts of their lives, will find peace and be able to see their purpose and bigger picture soon.
Sending love... You know who you are...