I Called My Dad Today

Everyone in my family that I had spoken to so far about my grandmother's illness has told me that my dad wasn't handling it very well. My grandma's decision so far, is to not do anything to fight the cancer. My cousin, my sister, and my grandma all said that my dad complained about her "giving up," and then just sort of retreated into himself.

When I talked to him today, he seemed fine. He understood her decision, and even said that it would probably be the same choice he would make for himself.

It was good for me to hear him say it. Considering the fact that that I had cancer, fought it, and beat it... I'm having a hard time coming to terms. Of course, I was 31 and she is 83, so logically, it makes sense. My brain understands her choice and knows it is smart. My heart is selfish and is begging her to do everything possible. It hurts.

I guess I just need people to keep telling me that it's the right choice. Maybe my heart will come around.

Sometimes, when you are really sad, you just need to make a phone call, only to hear a specific voice. It doesn't matter what you talk about. You just need that voice in your ear.... because it fills your soul... I made that call today, and I am so glad that I did! <3

My Grandmother

I received a phone call last night from my cousin in Pittsburgh. .. My grandmother has been diagnosed with lung cancer. That is all that I know so far. I talked to my sister this morning, but she didn't have much more info. No idea of what stage it is or any other news so far.

I'm scared... afraid.
Afraid of losing the woman that I have looked up to and admired my whole life.
Even as an adult, I thought of her as being invincible. 
This can't be happening.
My brain refuses to acknowledge it!
My heart is breaking!

More than anything, though... I'm angry.
Cancer is so unfair.
It doesn't care that it is ravishing the backbone of our family.
It doesn't care how it makes anyone feel or who it takes.
It is an ugly monster that has reared its stupid head in a place that it doesn't belong!
My hands are tied.
What can I do??
Nothing.
Nothing but give my love.
Give as much love as I possibly can.
So that is what I will do.
Just love her, like she has always loved me.
I always have loved her,
And always will...

"At times, my grandmother seems like a mystical creature born of a fairy tale,
All knowing and wise, she sees into our daily lives,
And sets us straight when we stray.
A beautiful laugh,
A magician with meals,
A pied piper of children,
A Horse Whisperer,
And a Jill of all trades.
She made us who we are today.
Whenever we’re lost
She’s the beacon of light that guides us all home, once more."

Common Sense? Not so Common

Riddle me this...
They were just showing a video on tv of 2 reporters getting blown away because they were reporting from a blizzard...
Now when there is a hurricane, blizzard, or any other bad weather going on, why do they feel the need to STAND IN IT?? They can't just show video out a window or something?
Haha... I wonder if they have higher insurance premiums....
Is there a special class that only meteorologists go to: 
High Winds 101...
Derp....

Teachers and Coaches

It is so frustrating when teachers give kids group projects to do over a weekend without any advance warning, due on Monday.... or coaches drop Saturday games and schedule a practice last minute on Sunday.

This is the second weekend in a row that we have made plans for the kids and things like this have happened. They act like families have nothing better to do... or they don't have siblings to consider that also may have things going on.

Grrr.... — feeling annoyed.

The Power of the Beard

So just about every day that we go through the gate to get on base, one of the (male) gate guards compliments Jonathan Lee about his beard.
Maybe it's just me, but hearing a straight guy compliment another straight guy on his looks, is weird.
But, being as it is... if he's that hot, and we're this broke, I've come to an obvious conclusion:
I'm pimping him out to anyone that will pay to touch his beard... — feeling determined.

**********************

I have to share this hilarious conversation that Jonathan & I had last night after everyone left... (he was kinda tipsy)...
Jon (in the bedroom, pointing towards the living room): It's crazy out there!
Me: it's just the dryer.
J: no, baby, it's crazy! Shit flying everywhere!
M: haha!! No, really, it's just the dryer. It's loud.
J: there are socks flying through the air! There is underwear too, but the socks are what ya gotta watch out for.
M: the socks are shifty?
J: yeah, they'll get ya!!
Hahaa! I love him. That Guy constantly makes me laugh!! — feeling awesome.

********************

Me (at Sonic): I want the Asiago Chicken Sandwich.
Jon (to the order box): I need an Ozzy Osborn chicken sandwich.
Bwahahahaaa!! Bless him, he tried... and the guy knew what he meant! 

*************************

Jon (at Steak n Shake): Holy crap! They have a Pepperoni Pizza Steakburger!
Me: Wow, it doesn't even look good. It's so bad for you!
Jon: It must be in my belly. Gimme one of your prilosecs.
Me: Ha! No way, you can't have a Prilosec so that you can intentionally eat all that!! Haha!
*Oh, and he also ordered a cookie dough milkshake.

************************

Military Intelligence

Working on a military base, I'm a witness to "Military Intelligence" all the time. Today, I was a victim of it.
Since I didn't retire from the military, I don't have a retired ID. Instead, when I started working as a contractor, the military/base operations issued me a separate ID, called a CAC Card.
I have always used this card to get onto the base because it SHOWS that I belong there, unlike any other form of ID that I might have.
**That was the PURPOSE of giving me this ID.**
So, on the way to work today, Jon drove, and at the gate, he handed over his retired ID & I used my CAC card (as per usual). The gate guard then insisted that I needed a SECOND form of ID!! WTF??
I can't count how many times I have come to work without my wallet. It was a miracle that I happened to grab it today!
So, then it comes out that with Jon's retired ID, I can come on the base with my Driver's License, as his "guest." But I can't use the CAC card any longer without a second form of ID to accompany it...
Holy Hell... I want to shake the hand of the genius that came up with that one. Jackass... — feeling annoyed

Life is Very Good

Do you ever just feel overwhelmed by your own life? I mean in a good way....
I have had bottom-of-the-barrel low points in my life. If it CAN go wrong, it DID. No matter what I touched, no matter how hard I tried, things just didn't work out the way I had planned/hoped.
Things have turned around! All of the pain, fear, loneliness, loss, etc. have faded into the background. I appreciate them because they are part of who I am today, but more than anything, my experiences have made me thankful. I appreciate so much more... the little things.
My life is far from perfect. I'm still nowhere near where I want to be... but I can feel the progress! I finally have a PARTNER in my life. Someone that I trust and can talk about anything with. I can finally enjoy a holiday season without the burden of worry. I can see the Christmas lights and smile... not wonder how I will find a way to buy gifts for my children. I look forward to going to sleep and waking every day with my partner by my side.
I know that while things aren't where I want them to be YET, they are indeed headed in the right direction. — feeling loved 

**********

A few years ago, I told my mom that I was "finally content" after my divorce. Unfortunately, I had content confused with happy!

In 2013, I learned that life isn't about just settling for things. If something is not making you happy, you are responsible for changing it! I did what I needed to and found the best thing ever! I am thrilled to wake up every day to see what will happen next.

I have a beautiful family, a great job, amazing friends.... I am the luckiest person on earth... and I know that 2014 will be even more awesome.

 Happy New Year to each of you. May your world be filled with happiness and goodness and love. And thank you for playing whatever part you play in my life. You are still here because you add to my happiness!!!  — feeling Amazeballs.

Appreciating My Family

*{This was a post from last Christmas, when I got out my decorations.}*

So I was completely bummed out today because what little Christmas stuff that I have hung on to after my many moves over the past several years (I held onto things with sentimental value) was mostly ruined when I got it out of my storage today. Somehow, water got into this plastic tote and anything that had material/fabric was covered in mold and had to be thrown away. Many of the ornaments that had paint were peeling, so they also ended up in the trash.

But...

The more I thought about it, the better I felt. I have wonderful, NEW additions to my family... Ashleigh and Carley are happy and healthy, and we have a lot of memories. I don't have to hang on to every ornament they ever made me to prove that. So, maybe it is time to get new, fresh Christmas decorations to help create new memories. The more I processed all of this, the more I became happy about putting my tree up early (due to the schedule with the kids), and I think I'm even starting to get excited about this holiday season.... which is something that I haven't really felt in a long, long time.

I've said it before, but I will say it again:
Life is, indeed, very good....  — feeling blessed and loved with Jonathan Lee.

Think Before You Speak

Funny thing about people finding out that someone they know is sick... possibly with cancer... it brings out the most sad, distressing stories.
*Honestly, it pisses me off.*
Why not be hopeful? Where are the prayers, positive thoughts? Instead, people talk about their "uncle's girlfriend's second cousin's ex-wife's grandfather" that died some horrific death in the matter of days of feeling their first symptom.
*Seriously??*
I know so many survivors, including myself. Why not talk about your surviving aunt, mom, grandfather, friend... whomever...?
The only thing all of this doom and gloom does is bring spirits down. I've mentioned before that I believe that bad energy breeds bad energy. My friend is sick. I don't want to hear your negative stories. He doesn't need your negativity in his life... even if he doesn't know you're saying it.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." ~Thumper— feeling annoyed.

People Can Surprise You

I love how people can surprise you sometimes. 

I generally DO NOT discuss politics or religion. I have my opinions, you have yours. That is good enough for me.

But, I just had a nice chat with someone about higher powers, the energy of the universe, karma, and just how that when you look back on your life, you can see so many signals that "Something" has aligned things in your life. 

This energy (whatever it may be) has been putting you exactly where you are now... and you realize that even the devastating things like cancer, divorce, loss of a job, etc., almost seem to have a purpose in the bigger picture. Even if you don't believe in God, or the Bible, it really is hard to not believe that there is some sort of energy helping us along throughout our lives.

I could go into detail and use my own life as an example, but I really feel that everyone has their own experiences that they can relate to this. 

*Disclaimer... not trying to start a religious debate here. If you can't be kind, please don't post. Thanks!

Telemarketers

First, I am most definitely on the National Do Not Call list! So why the eff are they calling me??? I know for a FACT that I did not sign up for more information!
Second, it pisses me off more than words that all of these credit card companies constantly call me (and everyone else) and fill up our mailboxes with their garbage. I receive at least one letter Every Single Day from this company!
Think of how much money they could save on postage... how many trees they could save... if they would just leave me alone!!
I despise that these stupid corporations go out of their way to make sure people spend their entire lives drowning in debt!! It's awful!!
*Citibank is the absolute worst! How in the hell do I get my info out of their computer system??? — feeling annoyed.

Flying Home From Pittsburgh

1. If your kid is old enough to talk to you, and even I can understand him (sorry, I don't speak baby very well), then he is old enough to understand you telling him to not kick the seat in front of him on an airplane.
*Oy vey...*

2. If a person is wearing headphones, reading a book AND intentionally avoiding eye contact, it means that they absolutely do not want to have an in-flight conversation with you. These are all international, multi-lingual clues!
*So please stop looking at me out of the corner of your eye, hoping to make eye contact. I don't want to talk to you, ya weirdo.*

(The next 2 are Jonathan 's add-ons.)

3. Always have assigned seats ahead of time. We only got to sit together for one of our flights. On the one we were separated on, I sat by "I wanna talk, why won't you take off your headphones?" Guy. And Jon sat next to some smelly guy.

4. Always have a 6+ hour layover in Chicago, so you can leave the airport and see some sights before the next flight (and he can track down all the food he misses).

(And the last one is from both of us.)

5. There should be a rule stating that you showered a maximum of 6 hours before your flight. I can't believe how many "ripe" people we encountered today!! Woah.
*A little consideration for the other people breathing the recycled air, please!!*

Soooo glad to be almost home. Anyone that travels knows, no matter how great the vacation is, you always look forward to your own bed! — feelingwonderful.

Just Say What You Need

Ok, here is a thought... (sorry in advance if I piss anyone off).
People that "fish" for compliments or attention drive me bananas. I am a blunt person (have you noticed??), so if I need something, I say so. I don't get the whole hinting around, trying to get someone to do or say something.
If you have a problem, then either say the problem, or don't put anything on facebook at all. This whole "...but I don't wanna talk about it..." thing really translates to "please pay attention to me and ask what is wrong with my life."

Oy vey.

The Cockroach

PHOBIAS!! What are yours?? This is mine...

So, last night, Jon and I were outside, and a stupid flying cockroach landed on my head!
Anyone that knows me, is aware that my phobia is cockroaches, especially the flying kind!
So, I lost my mind and did the crazy/flailing dance to get it off of me, and my hero stepped up and killed it.
Jon: it has been tried and the punishment carried out!
Me: it should have been publicly tortured to let his friends know how we will treat future attacks!

*Side note, I'm probably going to require years of therapy now. I had flying cockroaches sporadically landing on my head all throughout my dreams last night. Not cool! — feeling freaked out.

Private Messaging

**{This is actually a post that my boyfriend wrote, and then I re-posted it.}**

People, please get the message out about PRIVATE MESSAGES. ..

Friendly Public Service Announcement! There's this thing called "Facebook Messenger" and it comes ABSOLUTELY FREE with every Facebook account. Yes, that means each and every one of you have access to this WONDERFUL FEATURE! It's great for things like (but not limited to):
Asking personal questions
Making personal comments
Talking about stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand
Or just anything you don't want EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER TO READ!
Thanks for your time, and remember, this wonderful feature can save you and your loved ones from countless amounts of unnecessary embarrassment.  — feeling educational.

Cancer Leaves Scars That You Can't Always See

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. I don't think about it much on a daily basis anymore, because over time, the emotional trauma has somewhat faded. The scars are just part of me like the nose on my face.

But quite often, someone crosses my path that is dealing with this terrible disease in some way, either themselves, or someone they care about. 
A friend of a friend started chemo today. I have never met her, but I understand what she is going through. So many questions, fears, worries. I pray that her experience goes well.
Suddenly, so many of the emotions come flowing back. I can still feel the ups and downs... the frustrations, exhaustion, and the loneliness involved. I was surrounded by people, yet still so alone. I am grateful to my friend for being there for her friend. It will mean so much for the rest of her, hopefully very long, life.
I still, to this day, can't find the right words to accurately describe my experience, other than that it is, indeed
LIFE CHANGING.
Saying prayers for my friend's friend.

**{This was a related post, several months later.}

I see so many of my friends and family struggling right now. I have seen the pain they are going through and I completely understand it. Some things feel like they really should just kill you!!
All I can offer is that I believe things do happen for a reason. My cancer diagnosis started a chain of events that brought a lot of pain and heartache. Things that I have no idea how I survived. Things that caused me to be angry and bitter in my heart for years!
Only to finally open my eyes one day and see. It was all to lead me to a place. To a person. To be a part of something bigger than just myself!
Now I have Jon, 2 more beautiful daughters in my life, and the little boy that I had always hoped for.
I look forward to seeing where the future will take us!
And I pray that those going through painful parts of their lives, will find peace and be able to see their purpose and bigger picture soon.
Sending love... You know who you are...

Tough Mudder!

**{I wrote this after running my 2nd Tough Mudder with my boyfriend. We will be doing his 2nd and my 3rd one in November!}}*

I'm a terrible runner. I tell people that, and they're all like, "yeah, me too."
No. You don't get it.
I could TRY running every single day for a year, and still only be able to kill 3 miles, tops.
But, I don't run every day.
So the Tough Mudder kicked my butt!
BUT... I am beyond proud of myself! I did an awesome job. I finished.
I have been fighting an ingrown toenail for 3 days. It wasn't stopping me.
My sciatic nerve decided to act up and send shooting pain down the back of my thigh, starting in the second mile. I kept going.
I despise cold water, and not only was every pond, stream, and mudhole cold, plus the rain and the Artic Enema... I still went on.
I faced my fears of jumping from heights by jumping off a platform into more cold water.
So, maybe I didn't RUN the whole thing. I don't care.
What I care about is that I finished... I didn't skip any obstacles, and shaved 45 minutes off of last year's time!
I frigging rock! — feeling accomplished.

**Post from my boyfriend**
Alright everyone, this is a VERY rough edit of our experience at Tough Mudder. First time ever using the software so I have a lot to learn, but I wanted to get something together as quickly as possible cause I know a few people have been dying to see it. Should be good for a few laughs!
Tough Mudder South Florida 13 April 2014: http://youtu.be/qepeKiUmz_0 

Re: Coke's America the Beautiful Super Bowl Commercial

**{I am taking some of my writing from Facebook, and transferring them over here to my blog. Some of them may be "out of date" because nobody is talking about the issue any longer, but I would still like to transfer them to here. If anyone would like to comment, no matter how old the news may be, please feel free! I appreciate a good conversation, but no haters please!}**

I never stop being amazed by the size of the American ego. Years ago, immigrants (our forefathers) took over North America, uninvited, and made it their own. 
Did they bother to learn the local language? No.
Did they care what the customs were of the people already there? Not at all. 
They killed off everyone in the way and pushed their Language and European customs down the throats of the Native Americans.
Then, years are spent bragging about freedom, and what a beautiful cultural melting pot this country is. People that were persecuted in their own country came here because they thought they would have better opportunities for themselves and their children.
Those people have grown to love this country. Their children join our military. Their lives become American!
Sometimes, they choose to learn English as their SECOND language...
Sometimes they have a hard time learning it, so they continue to speak in their native tongue.
Does that make them less patriotic? Does that mean they are unwelcome to our freedoms?
If a person takes the right paths: work visas, citizenship, taxes, etc., yet still is unable to grasp the most difficult language in the world to learn... does that make them unworthy to such a beautiful song?
Why not, instead, translate it into every language?
Allow everyone to experience the beauty, the pride, the emotional sting in the back of their throat, and even the tear in their eye over the amazing power that America the Beautiful can invoke (edit: I had mistakenly put the National Anthem earlier)!
America the Beautiful is an awesome song, but what really makes it so amazing and moving to me, is that it is about this wonderful country! It is about our FREEDOM and how we are a country for all.
We could never be the amazing, great country that we are now, if not for the Native Americans...
The English, the French & Spanish, Irish, the German... Japanese, Korean, African, Indian, Lebanese...
The Mexican, Puerto Rican & Cuban...
And everyone else, too...
You get the idea. This country is what it is because of all of the different cultures, backgrounds, skin colors, and LANGUAGES! English is our main language, but I feel like all Americams should be able to hear such a beautiful song, understand it, and love it in whatever their language may be.
After all, isn't that what makes us American?
Kudos, Coca-Cola. This is one person that will NOT be boycotting your company.