I picked up my 10 year old from her grandmother's last night, and she will be spending 2 weeks with me before going back to her dad's in Florida.
I wanted to do a post about how much I love her, how much I wish she lived here with me, the injustice of it all, and so on... but honestly? Just thinking about it has had me literally bawling my eyes out for the past 20 minutes. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I love her so much, and I'm so excited and happy to have her here, sleeping 10 feet away... and yet I can't stop crying.
I've only see her 2 other times this year. Because money has been so tight, I literally could not afford to drive down and see her very often, and she keeps growing! All I can think about is the time that I'm missing. I'm her mother, she should be with me. And now he's remarried and she calls her step-mom "Mom." Why does life have to be so cruel? Who in the heavens did I piss off to get such a wonderful, beautiful child, and then to have her dangled from arm's reach... Only to see her once every few months?
The crying won't stop, and I don't want her to wake up and see me, so I'll end this. I planned on something much more articulate for today, but I just don't have the words.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Three Steps Forward
I have a friend that told me recently that I needed to “Make a Plan” for my life. I completely agree. I've never been one to look at long-term, but I've always worked really hard at keeping my present in check. It's time to change my focus into longer term. I guess I'm more of a defense player, and I need to learn to be more offensive. Maybe it's time to run the ball, and quit trying to intercept!
I mentioned in my last post that I'd been looking into the "steps" for improving one's life. So, here goes:
Life Coaching: Achieve Any Goal With This 3-Step Process
1. Make sure you want it.
2. Make sure you know why you want it.
3. Make sure those closest to you know why you want it.
I do think this is a great list. I appreciate the simplicity, but I believe I should address exactly what it is that I want before anything else. Hmm... I think I'm already off to a bad start.... I want too many things! haha! Ok, in essence, I want to pay off my bills and be financially stable/responsible again. I want the person in my life to know that he is there because I WANT him to be, and not ever feel that I need him to be for financial reasons.
So, I want to be stable. I firmly feel that I'm already financially responsible, because I pay all bills before anything else. I can't remember the last time I bought new clothes, or got my hair done or anything like that. So, I am definitely responsible to my bills. Divorce can just do some unbelievable things to formally excellent credit, as if it isn't hard enough emotionally! But, it is time to be free. Free of the confines that this divorce has put on me.
I was bogged down by a less than stellar marriage, and even though I left three years ago, sadly, he still has a hold on my life. By taking all of my money (ok, not all of it, but I think 1/3 of my paycheck is a LOT when he makes WAY more than I do), he still holds the reins. That really pisses me off! So, it's time to be offensive! It is MY TURN to carry the ball, and I will throw it to whomever I want to throw it to!
So, ** I WISH, OH FAIRY GODMOTHER, TO BE FINANCIALLY STABLE. **
Ok. Time to move on to my list.
#1: Make sure you want it. Oh, believe me. I want it. I want it bad. ;o)
#2: Make sure you know why you want it. Um, well... for all the reasons I've talked about. I'm tired of giving all of my money to bill collectors, and never getting to spend anything on myself, my kids, or anyone else that I love. I would like to buy nice things for Ashleigh and Carley, mail my nieces and nephew birthday gifts, get myself some new clothes, buy Chuck something cool for his birthday, and so on. I would like to go have sushi and wine with Monica, and go to a nice dinner with Chuck's parents. I could make weekend trips to Florida and see Carley more often! I just want to live again. I want to rid my body of the constant stress of bills and be able to enjoy my life again. I feel like I've lived the last 3 years in the dark, and it's time to walk into the light... It's only three steps away, and this is the second step!!
#3: Make sure those closest to you know why you want it. Well, of course they do! I'll make fliers if I have to, but everyone knows that Chuck and I are moving out of the house, and are working on paying these bills off! I've made a 1-year plan, and three of the five bills will be completely paid off, and the remaining two will be more than half paid off. How's that for a goal?? I am happy to tell anyone that will listen to me.
Of course, I’m sure D.M. wasn’t referring to a one-year plan when she told me I needed a plan for my life, but since I’m a “live for the present” and “defense” kind of girl, then a one-year plan is an excellent first step. Let me try this on for size, before moving into a five-year plan. I just have a hard time planning that far ahead, because I don’t trust people. I make a five-year plan, and within a year, the person that I had made plans with is gone.
WTF?
I know I shouldn’t think like that, but it’s really hard not to. But, my therapy session can wait for some other day!
I mentioned in my last post that I'd been looking into the "steps" for improving one's life. So, here goes:
Life Coaching: Achieve Any Goal With This 3-Step Process
1. Make sure you want it.
2. Make sure you know why you want it.
3. Make sure those closest to you know why you want it.
I do think this is a great list. I appreciate the simplicity, but I believe I should address exactly what it is that I want before anything else. Hmm... I think I'm already off to a bad start.... I want too many things! haha! Ok, in essence, I want to pay off my bills and be financially stable/responsible again. I want the person in my life to know that he is there because I WANT him to be, and not ever feel that I need him to be for financial reasons.
So, I want to be stable. I firmly feel that I'm already financially responsible, because I pay all bills before anything else. I can't remember the last time I bought new clothes, or got my hair done or anything like that. So, I am definitely responsible to my bills. Divorce can just do some unbelievable things to formally excellent credit, as if it isn't hard enough emotionally! But, it is time to be free. Free of the confines that this divorce has put on me.
I was bogged down by a less than stellar marriage, and even though I left three years ago, sadly, he still has a hold on my life. By taking all of my money (ok, not all of it, but I think 1/3 of my paycheck is a LOT when he makes WAY more than I do), he still holds the reins. That really pisses me off! So, it's time to be offensive! It is MY TURN to carry the ball, and I will throw it to whomever I want to throw it to!
So, ** I WISH, OH FAIRY GODMOTHER, TO BE FINANCIALLY STABLE. **
Ok. Time to move on to my list.
#1: Make sure you want it. Oh, believe me. I want it. I want it bad. ;o)
#2: Make sure you know why you want it. Um, well... for all the reasons I've talked about. I'm tired of giving all of my money to bill collectors, and never getting to spend anything on myself, my kids, or anyone else that I love. I would like to buy nice things for Ashleigh and Carley, mail my nieces and nephew birthday gifts, get myself some new clothes, buy Chuck something cool for his birthday, and so on. I would like to go have sushi and wine with Monica, and go to a nice dinner with Chuck's parents. I could make weekend trips to Florida and see Carley more often! I just want to live again. I want to rid my body of the constant stress of bills and be able to enjoy my life again. I feel like I've lived the last 3 years in the dark, and it's time to walk into the light... It's only three steps away, and this is the second step!!
#3: Make sure those closest to you know why you want it. Well, of course they do! I'll make fliers if I have to, but everyone knows that Chuck and I are moving out of the house, and are working on paying these bills off! I've made a 1-year plan, and three of the five bills will be completely paid off, and the remaining two will be more than half paid off. How's that for a goal?? I am happy to tell anyone that will listen to me.
Of course, I’m sure D.M. wasn’t referring to a one-year plan when she told me I needed a plan for my life, but since I’m a “live for the present” and “defense” kind of girl, then a one-year plan is an excellent first step. Let me try this on for size, before moving into a five-year plan. I just have a hard time planning that far ahead, because I don’t trust people. I make a five-year plan, and within a year, the person that I had made plans with is gone.
WTF?
I know I shouldn’t think like that, but it’s really hard not to. But, my therapy session can wait for some other day!
Monday, July 11, 2011
12-Step Program
I was talking to a friend the other day, and he asked me how life was going lately. I made the offhand remark of, "One day at a time."
He laughed in agreement, and said, "Life is like an AA meeting. You can only take one step at a time."
His comment got me to thinking about how there are steps for everything, and I began to wonder what steps I could take to improve my own life. Of course, when you google anything about taking steps, the first things you will find are The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, The 7 Stages of Grief, and Amazon.com selling any book & workbook ever created about self-improvement, step-by-step.
But, since I have very shallow pockets (and refuse to spend money on a self-improvement book), then I continued to dig deeper, and see what kind of free help I could find. Here's one that seemed interesting:
Life Coaching: Achieve Any goal With This 3-Step Process
1. Make sure you want it.
2. Make sure you know why you want it.
3. Make sure those closest to you know why you want it.
These seem like three very obvious steps, and I understand that the idea behind the questions is to get me really thinking about my own life (as if I need a list of questions to get me to do that!!). Maybe I haven't actually sat down and addressed each answer head-on in this way. Perhaps, if I consider each of these steps, I might have a more definitive idea of which direction my life is going.
*side note* Perhaps I should compile my own list and sell that through Amazon.com... that would solve a LOT of my problems!
Ok. Filing that one for future reference.
I did find something that may be imediately helpful... The situation that I find myself in lately has had me feeling down, and I'm not a huge fan of anti-depression medication. I've been on it before, and it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life, so I prefer alternative measures, but I've been neglecting myself lately. It's time I stopped doing that... so...
He laughed in agreement, and said, "Life is like an AA meeting. You can only take one step at a time."
His comment got me to thinking about how there are steps for everything, and I began to wonder what steps I could take to improve my own life. Of course, when you google anything about taking steps, the first things you will find are The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, The 7 Stages of Grief, and Amazon.com selling any book & workbook ever created about self-improvement, step-by-step.
But, since I have very shallow pockets (and refuse to spend money on a self-improvement book), then I continued to dig deeper, and see what kind of free help I could find. Here's one that seemed interesting:
Life Coaching: Achieve Any goal With This 3-Step Process
1. Make sure you want it.
2. Make sure you know why you want it.
3. Make sure those closest to you know why you want it.
These seem like three very obvious steps, and I understand that the idea behind the questions is to get me really thinking about my own life (as if I need a list of questions to get me to do that!!). Maybe I haven't actually sat down and addressed each answer head-on in this way. Perhaps, if I consider each of these steps, I might have a more definitive idea of which direction my life is going.
*side note* Perhaps I should compile my own list and sell that through Amazon.com... that would solve a LOT of my problems!
Ok. Filing that one for future reference.
I did find something that may be imediately helpful... The situation that I find myself in lately has had me feeling down, and I'm not a huge fan of anti-depression medication. I've been on it before, and it's not something I want to do for the rest of my life, so I prefer alternative measures, but I've been neglecting myself lately. It's time I stopped doing that... so...
6 Steps for Beating Depression
1. Omega-3 Fatty Acids - eat more fish (take a vitamin)
2. Engaged Activity - have conversations with people; keep the brain active (I'm alone in my office most of the day, and sit at the computer/watch TV at night)
3. Physical Exercise - start walking/running again
4. Sunlight Exposure - I do need more sunshine
5. Social Support - get in touch with friends and family more often (dial the phone!!)
6. Sleep - get plenty of rest (this one, I already do!)
Well, after all that research, I've decided to start my self-improvement with the 6 Steps for Beating Depression, but I'm also going to really address the questions under the 3-step process of Achieving Any Goal.... I already spend a lot of time thinking about my life, but I think it may help if I put it into a more organized perspective. It won't fix my problems, but maybe it will help me tackle them more easily. More to come!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Belly Laughs!!
**WARNING** This Post "can be" a bit crude... Includes cussing, vulgar references, drugs and alcohol...
I posted a question on my Social Network Page today, and my friends came back in true form. This is exactly what I needed to lift my spirits! I was literally BELLY LAUGHING every time I read one of these!
GZ: I met you at a convention for nun's who broke their vow... You were running the booth for harley davidson clothing, next to my booth for nun's for equal rights as bishop's,priest's and popes. This convention took place in Nevada next to some bunny ranch..
KR: I met you on a street corner in Lima Ohio in 1991.......Oh wait that was someone else!!!! Now I remember it was on Craigslist a few years ago on the Erotic ads back before they took them off......Wait a minute who are you and how did you become my online friend!!!!!! LOL
GZ: I didn't want to tell the truth that I met you as you were trying to get me to join a group called farmers for goats :). I declined :)
SM: I don't remember, but i feel like The Hangover guys owe us some money...
SP: All I remember when I met you was that you had to try to explain to me (the paramedic) how you got that object there without blushing...lol
DM: It's still not clear, but people were chanting our names. : )
PS: We posted bail together, good times...
GZ: So, HOW did you get that stuck there? Lol
Me: Actually, it's a little hazy, between the prostitution in the nun's habit, the alcohol, and the chanting of names... You should definitely watch the movie that they made about SM and I... it would explain it better... hahaha!!
GZ: Lol good one! When can I see it on you tube?
MRH: ...after the "Hustler" rights run out....
JH: First of all to understand how B. and I met, you gotta understand who B. really is. Now B. was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. She was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that she's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rottweiler fight promoter. So he puts B. into training. They see B.s good. She is damn good. But then she had the fight of his life. They pit her against her brother, Nibbles. And B. said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made her fight anyway, and B., she killed nibbles. B. said "that's it!" he called off all her fights, and she started doing crack, and she freaked out. Then in a rage, she collapsed, and her heart no longer beat. wow.
Me: So, how did I meet you again???JH: obviously I was Nibbles, lol.
Me: I had a feeling you were going to be nibbles... lol!
BC: I'm met you in church we sat in one of the pews together for a moment and then well........you ended up at a convention for nuns who broke their vows...go figure oh wait you said lie huh?
SRS: we met at a tupperware party, you were wearing the most adorable apron, with matching pearls. we were discussing the love of household chores and how best we can serve our husbands and be the bestest sub- serviant wife ever.... then the alcohol wore off
DF: what the?. . like i have to tell you!!. . .i pulled over because i saw this girl riding down the street on an over sized tricycle . . she had pig tails and a purple shirt that said "OVER IT" in big black letters on the front. . .there was a gallon of tequila in the basket of the bike, so i was a little concerned she was gonna over serve herself and could get hurt. . .so i helped YOU finish that bottle!! . .
GPW: it was when I was in the army and had to rescue your navy ass. Your chopper went down and my team was tasked with saving the navy again. So there we where in the jungle of SA when you got bit in the ass by a snake I had to suck the poison out. Then I had to carry you over 20 miles to safety good thing you are light.
GWU: We met at Waterloo horse camp, you were stuck in the outhouse, your big bad attitude fell down the hole and you couldn't get out. Then when I pulled you out your parachute was still stuck in the shit, it was not pretty. After that I lost track of you, I think you moved to Costa Rica and had a chicken ranch. I heard you were back in the states, in Georgia? Still in the chicken biz or mostly gas?
(this one is my boyfriend) CL: Bridgett the Midget was in town along with Cowboy Roy, they were doin a 1 and a half man/woman show down at the Roxy...drinks were a plenty that night, boy that Bridgett and Roy put on one hell of a show, Roy with that lasso and Bridgett with all that midgetness goin on. You jumped on stage confessing your love for tall people while Bridgett pulls a knife, I jumped up on stage to protect you, Bridgett slashed at my leg(I got the scar to prove it), out of nowhere another midget jumped on your back and slashed at your chest, I shook Bridgett off my leg like a humpin dog, ran to you, Roy jumped in with his lasso and snatched the little fella from your back...True love ever since :)
Me: We even have the scars to prove it!!! hahahaha!!!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Heavy Heart
As I get older, I find my lifes relates to a small stream of water working it's way through stones. It sometimes flows quickly then slowly, before picking up speed again. It usually takes the easiest path, but can wear stones down to create a better path when needed. Often, the path may change suddenly, and without warning. That doesn't stop the water from flowing. It just takes a different route. Water is resiliant. It is strong and determined... and yet, it is only water.
This is me. It would seem that although plans and ideas have been made, they can change in an instant. Sometimes it is me making the changes because I've developed a better idea or whatever, or it is some outside influence causing the changes. Either way, I hold true to the saying, "I'm a woman, therefore, I can change my mind." My stream changes abruptly and heads in a different direction.
I have something going on in my life recently, that has caused my heart to become heavy. I am at odds with the situation. I am trying to decide what it is about my personality that is making the situation difficult. Should I put a rock down to stop the two streams from flowing together? Or do I open up more and allow more of my river to join into the bigger stream?
I realize that I'm being somewhat cryptic, but I have something going on in my life that is making me sad, and yet, I feel like I have no one to talk to. So... it gets put on here. But, if the person knows who I am talking about, they may become angry about my airing out their business. So, more than anything, I feel like I need to get some feelings out.
I feel sad.
Lonely.
Overwhelmed.
Useless and Hopeless.
Dependent.
Needy.
Unsure.
Above all, I'm angry.
I'm angry at myself because I feel that some situations in my past have made it more difficult to develop the correct friendships/relationships in my present. Because of some things that I've experienced, I have closed myself off from others, making it hard to trust anyone and let them in. Sadly, it is completely unfair to the people that I care about. I just don't know how let anyone in completely.
"Never lay all your cards out on the table."
Even after I figured this out about myself, I still have no idea what to do. I expect too much of people, then get disappointed, and then use that as a reason to wall people off. So, how do I know if my expectations are reasonable and that person just doesn't fit into the realm of what I want around in my life? Do I continue as I am, hoping to hold on as long as possible, before certain people in my life stop trying to get in and just walk away? I don't know what to do. Part of me says to just "set them free" while another part of me is screaming for them not to walk out the door.
Can you see the Libra in me? There is clearly a reason our symbol is the scales.
The one thing I can say, is that I do care deeply for this person, but I don't know how to tell if that is enough.
This is me. It would seem that although plans and ideas have been made, they can change in an instant. Sometimes it is me making the changes because I've developed a better idea or whatever, or it is some outside influence causing the changes. Either way, I hold true to the saying, "I'm a woman, therefore, I can change my mind." My stream changes abruptly and heads in a different direction.
I have something going on in my life recently, that has caused my heart to become heavy. I am at odds with the situation. I am trying to decide what it is about my personality that is making the situation difficult. Should I put a rock down to stop the two streams from flowing together? Or do I open up more and allow more of my river to join into the bigger stream?
I realize that I'm being somewhat cryptic, but I have something going on in my life that is making me sad, and yet, I feel like I have no one to talk to. So... it gets put on here. But, if the person knows who I am talking about, they may become angry about my airing out their business. So, more than anything, I feel like I need to get some feelings out.
I feel sad.
Lonely.
Overwhelmed.
Useless and Hopeless.
Dependent.
Needy.
Unsure.
Above all, I'm angry.
I'm angry at myself because I feel that some situations in my past have made it more difficult to develop the correct friendships/relationships in my present. Because of some things that I've experienced, I have closed myself off from others, making it hard to trust anyone and let them in. Sadly, it is completely unfair to the people that I care about. I just don't know how let anyone in completely.
"Never lay all your cards out on the table."
Even after I figured this out about myself, I still have no idea what to do. I expect too much of people, then get disappointed, and then use that as a reason to wall people off. So, how do I know if my expectations are reasonable and that person just doesn't fit into the realm of what I want around in my life? Do I continue as I am, hoping to hold on as long as possible, before certain people in my life stop trying to get in and just walk away? I don't know what to do. Part of me says to just "set them free" while another part of me is screaming for them not to walk out the door.
Can you see the Libra in me? There is clearly a reason our symbol is the scales.
The one thing I can say, is that I do care deeply for this person, but I don't know how to tell if that is enough.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Loved One?
Before I get into the point of this blog, let me give a little background on me...
I am not good at picking up the phone. I don't call people. It's not because I don't think about you. It's not that I'm talking to someone more interesting. It's not that I have more interesting things to do with my time. In all honesty... it IS because I have a very boring life and I can't imagine that you would be at all interested in it. I'm not the type of person to pour my heart (or even most of my random thoughts) out to someone on the phone. I honestly don't want to "trap" someone on the phone and make them listen to me tell them that I went to work, came home, cooked dinner, watched a little TV, did some laundry, and went to bed... EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE since our last phone call. Nothing at all different.
"No news is good news," I always say.
So, I started a blog to air out my random thoughts, without roping anyone into having to listen to my rant over the phone. This leaves it optional to stop at any time...
That being said, I imagine that there are some people that are close to me that have their feelings hurt because I don't call more often (I don't exactly hear my phone ringing, either, though). Apparently, I come from a long line of people that have no idea what to say on the phone. I'm ok with that. Some people may not be, but then they could call me. I do answer the phone!
So, anyways, someone that I love and care deeply about (but probably don't call often enough) has left a very rude message on my "social network" page recently. I had posted something about this whole living rent-free thing, and some friends of mine understood where I was coming from and posted some words of encouragement. In addition, a couple of family members called me on the phone and discussed these decisions with me. Once we'd had our conversations and made sure I wasn't off my rocker, they also proceeded to post encouraging words on my page.
Then, there is this one person. I love her because of who she is, but we seldom see eye to eye. We both understand that about eachother and therefore do try to respect eacother's opinions... until now. Apparently, after reading my statements, rather than calling me (like the other relatives did), she decided it would be appropriate to write a scathing message towards me... and towards all of the other people that left any encouragement at all.
This seemed incredibly rude to me, so I deleted all trace of my plans. Rather than reply with a rude phone call, e-mail, or equally imbarassing statement on her page, I just left the matter alone for a little while... so we could both cool off. This is also why I haven't mentioned this in blog-form until now.
Being the Libra that I am, I needed to see it from all angles: Does she really have a right to react in the way that she did? Did I do something that warranted this type of behavior? Will I be able to call this person and discuss the event calmly and rationally? Will I be ok at the end of the converastion, if she still does not see my side of things? Have I waited too long to call?
Since I have not answered all of these questions in my head, I am hesitant to call. I did break down and attempt a few days ago, but got the answering machine. I did not leave a message. To be honest, I am at a loss for words for now. Say the wrong thing, and things go downhill fast. But, I know for a fact that the person knows I tried, because she has caller-ID. In fact, she is a "screener" and I believe it is quite likely that she was at home, saw it was me, and refused to answer, waiting to see what I would say on her machine. This, of course, is all speculation... and bitterness has begun working it's way in, I guess.
Anyways, in the long run, what I don't understand, is why she didn't just ask me about it, like the other relatives did? Why can't she give me the benefit of the doubt, instead of making rude accusations? Why did she feel it was appropriate to insult my other friends and family that were already more familiar with the situation, because they DID call and discuss it with me? Is the whole thing stemming from anger over the fact that I didn't call her immediately and discuss what I was going to do? When did we develop that relationship? Hasn't it ever occurred to her that this type of behavior may be the actual reason as to WHY I don't call her and discuss my life openly with her?
As I've stated earlier, I love her, but she doesn't call me whenever she makes changes in her life. I'm 35 years old. I was unaware that I was required to call her with every step that I took, since I was not required to do so in the past.
Now, don't for a minute think that I feel like I'm not responsible for anything. But, to be honest, the only thing that I can think of that would cause her to blow up like this, is that I'd discussed the subject with other people, instead of coming to her first. In addition, some of the people that I had discussed the situation with were people that she isn't a huge fan of (to say the least). I can see how that could hurt her feelings. BUT, if she had called and talked to me, I could have explained to her that those people called me. I did not call them. But she doesn't want to hear that. She would prefer to be angry.
So, I'm afraid that I will just allow her to be angry for a little while. While I do love her (of course!), I have enough stress in my life without worrying about one more person being angry at me for my life's choices. That's what I have an ex-husband (and his whole family) for.
I am not good at picking up the phone. I don't call people. It's not because I don't think about you. It's not that I'm talking to someone more interesting. It's not that I have more interesting things to do with my time. In all honesty... it IS because I have a very boring life and I can't imagine that you would be at all interested in it. I'm not the type of person to pour my heart (or even most of my random thoughts) out to someone on the phone. I honestly don't want to "trap" someone on the phone and make them listen to me tell them that I went to work, came home, cooked dinner, watched a little TV, did some laundry, and went to bed... EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE since our last phone call. Nothing at all different.
"No news is good news," I always say.
So, I started a blog to air out my random thoughts, without roping anyone into having to listen to my rant over the phone. This leaves it optional to stop at any time...
That being said, I imagine that there are some people that are close to me that have their feelings hurt because I don't call more often (I don't exactly hear my phone ringing, either, though). Apparently, I come from a long line of people that have no idea what to say on the phone. I'm ok with that. Some people may not be, but then they could call me. I do answer the phone!
So, anyways, someone that I love and care deeply about (but probably don't call often enough) has left a very rude message on my "social network" page recently. I had posted something about this whole living rent-free thing, and some friends of mine understood where I was coming from and posted some words of encouragement. In addition, a couple of family members called me on the phone and discussed these decisions with me. Once we'd had our conversations and made sure I wasn't off my rocker, they also proceeded to post encouraging words on my page.
Then, there is this one person. I love her because of who she is, but we seldom see eye to eye. We both understand that about eachother and therefore do try to respect eacother's opinions... until now. Apparently, after reading my statements, rather than calling me (like the other relatives did), she decided it would be appropriate to write a scathing message towards me... and towards all of the other people that left any encouragement at all.
This seemed incredibly rude to me, so I deleted all trace of my plans. Rather than reply with a rude phone call, e-mail, or equally imbarassing statement on her page, I just left the matter alone for a little while... so we could both cool off. This is also why I haven't mentioned this in blog-form until now.
Being the Libra that I am, I needed to see it from all angles: Does she really have a right to react in the way that she did? Did I do something that warranted this type of behavior? Will I be able to call this person and discuss the event calmly and rationally? Will I be ok at the end of the converastion, if she still does not see my side of things? Have I waited too long to call?
Since I have not answered all of these questions in my head, I am hesitant to call. I did break down and attempt a few days ago, but got the answering machine. I did not leave a message. To be honest, I am at a loss for words for now. Say the wrong thing, and things go downhill fast. But, I know for a fact that the person knows I tried, because she has caller-ID. In fact, she is a "screener" and I believe it is quite likely that she was at home, saw it was me, and refused to answer, waiting to see what I would say on her machine. This, of course, is all speculation... and bitterness has begun working it's way in, I guess.
Anyways, in the long run, what I don't understand, is why she didn't just ask me about it, like the other relatives did? Why can't she give me the benefit of the doubt, instead of making rude accusations? Why did she feel it was appropriate to insult my other friends and family that were already more familiar with the situation, because they DID call and discuss it with me? Is the whole thing stemming from anger over the fact that I didn't call her immediately and discuss what I was going to do? When did we develop that relationship? Hasn't it ever occurred to her that this type of behavior may be the actual reason as to WHY I don't call her and discuss my life openly with her?
As I've stated earlier, I love her, but she doesn't call me whenever she makes changes in her life. I'm 35 years old. I was unaware that I was required to call her with every step that I took, since I was not required to do so in the past.
Now, don't for a minute think that I feel like I'm not responsible for anything. But, to be honest, the only thing that I can think of that would cause her to blow up like this, is that I'd discussed the subject with other people, instead of coming to her first. In addition, some of the people that I had discussed the situation with were people that she isn't a huge fan of (to say the least). I can see how that could hurt her feelings. BUT, if she had called and talked to me, I could have explained to her that those people called me. I did not call them. But she doesn't want to hear that. She would prefer to be angry.
So, I'm afraid that I will just allow her to be angry for a little while. While I do love her (of course!), I have enough stress in my life without worrying about one more person being angry at me for my life's choices. That's what I have an ex-husband (and his whole family) for.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The Bare Necessities
Thank you to "Miss Kitty" for this quote...
"Don't spend your time lookin' around for something you want that can't be found. When you find out you can live without it and go along not thinkin' about it, I'll tell you something true - The bare necessities of life will come to you" - Baloo
"Don't spend your time lookin' around for something you want that can't be found. When you find out you can live without it and go along not thinkin' about it, I'll tell you something true - The bare necessities of life will come to you" - Baloo
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