Panic Mode

Ok, I'm not gonna lie... I'm starting to hit Panic Mode.

I've spent all morning going one website at a time: GI Jobs 2011 Top 100 Military Friendly Companies.
I am on the second page, and I've applied at 3 different places. I look though their job postings, and if I find something that I think I can qualify for, I go ahead and apply.

(sn. This process takes forever because each application is PAGES long. The last one was 7 pages!)

I'm a little bummed, because I'm really hoping to find something in the field that I was in while in the military.

I'm so sick of sitting behind a desk! But, apparently, I'm going to spend the rest of my life as an Administrative Assistant, doing Customer Service stuff.

Not what I want to do, but whatever... Super.

I'm upset because I haven't received even one response, inquiring more information, or even faking interest in the three weeks since I've started applying.

I have had several friends give me feedback on my resumes, and I have shortened and reworded them to be more suitable... I think...

Whatever.

Does it really matter?
I keep wasting  my time, filling out applications...
I'm trying to find something in or near Jacksonville, that pays at least close to what I was making before.
I can't afford to be flexible on that because I have to be able to pay child support and be able to support myself.

It's not looking good, so I'm really starting to worry.

I'm not writing this to have 10 people tell me "Oh, you'll find something." or "Don't worry, everything works out."
I'm past that.
I've been telling myself that for a couple of weeks.

It's  NOT. 
It DOESN'T.

I am running out of money, and even if I find a job, I have no idea how on earth I'll be able to GET to Florida, much less support myself until I start getting paid.

I'm frustrated.
I'm scared.
I'm sad...
...and I'm venting. 

I can't use my education, either, because UMUC is holding it hostage....
OF COURSE THEY ARE, THIS IS MY LIFE... WHY WOULDN'T THEY???

Seriously. If it can go wrong, it will.

Some days you just want to quit trying.
You want to stop trying to put up a strong front.
You want to just give in to all of the outside forces and let the walls come crashing down.

I feel like I've been holding up one wall at a time forever, and when I hold one up, another falls.

• I am diagnosed with cancer... my marriage fails.
• I leave Florida in the hopes of being able to support myself... I lose my kids to my ex.
• I get my child support crap fixed... and I lose my job.
• I feel positive about finding a new job near Carley... and find out that I can't use any of my education on my resume because the stupid school is holding my transcripts hostage. 

Seriously?

I really want to just say F@!$ IT and throw in the towel because this S&#% is really starting to P*!$ me off!!

Oh, did I mention that I can't zip the back window into my jeep, and winter is coming. I need new tires... AGAIN. And Rita is making a couple of funny noises that I'm pretty sure won't just stay "funny noises" forever.

Ok, I believe I'm finished for now. If I still smoked, I'd go have one right about now. Maybe a beer....

Loved One?

Before I get into the point of this blog, let me give a little background on me...

I am not good at picking up the phone. I don't call people. It's not because I don't think about you. It's not that I'm talking to someone more interesting. It's not that I have more interesting things to do with my time. In all honesty... it IS because I have a very boring life and I can't imagine that you would be at all interested in it. I'm not the type of person to pour my heart (or even most of my random thoughts) out to someone on the phone. I honestly don't want to "trap" someone on the phone and make them listen to me tell them that I went to work, came home, cooked dinner, watched a little TV, did some laundry, and went to bed... EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE since our last phone call. Nothing at all different.

"No news is good news," I always say.

So, I started a blog to air out my random thoughts, without roping anyone into having to listen to my rant over the phone. This leaves it optional to stop at any time...

That being said, I imagine that there are some people that are close to me that have their feelings hurt because I don't call more often (I don't exactly hear my phone ringing, either, though). Apparently, I come from a long line of people that have no idea what to say on the phone. I'm ok with that. Some people may not be, but then they could call me. I do answer the phone!

So, anyways, someone that I love and care deeply about (but probably don't call often enough) has left a very rude message on my "social network" page recently. I had posted something about this whole living rent-free thing, and some friends of mine understood where I was coming from and posted some words of encouragement. In addition, a couple of family members called me on the phone and discussed these decisions with me. Once we'd had our conversations and made sure I wasn't off my rocker, they also proceeded to post encouraging words on my page.

Then, there is this one person. I love her because of who she is, but we seldom see eye to eye. We both understand that about eachother and therefore do try to respect eacother's opinions... until now. Apparently, after reading my statements, rather than calling me (like the other relatives did), she decided it would be appropriate to write a scathing message towards me... and towards all of the other people that left any encouragement at all.

This seemed incredibly rude to me, so I deleted all trace of my plans. Rather than reply with a rude phone call, e-mail, or equally imbarassing statement on her page, I just left the matter alone for a little while... so we could both cool off. This is also why I haven't mentioned this in blog-form until now.

Being the Libra that I am, I needed to see it from all angles: Does she really have a right to react in the way that she did? Did I do something that warranted this type of behavior? Will I be able to call this person and discuss the event calmly and rationally? Will I be ok at the end of the converastion, if she still does not see my side of things? Have I waited too long to call?

Since I have not answered all of these questions in my head, I am hesitant to call. I did break down and attempt a few days ago, but got the answering machine. I did not leave a message. To be honest, I am at a loss for words for now. Say the wrong thing, and things go downhill fast. But, I know for a fact that the person knows I tried, because she has caller-ID. In fact, she is a "screener" and I believe it is quite likely that she was at home, saw it was me, and refused to answer, waiting to see what I would say on her machine. This, of course, is all speculation... and bitterness has begun working it's way in, I guess.

Anyways, in the long run, what I don't understand, is why she didn't just ask me about it, like the other relatives did? Why can't she give me the benefit of the doubt, instead of making rude accusations? Why did she feel it was appropriate to insult my other friends and family that were already more familiar with the situation, because they DID call and discuss it with me? Is the whole thing stemming from anger over the fact that I didn't call her immediately and discuss what I was going to do? When did we develop that relationship? Hasn't it ever occurred to her that this type of behavior may be the actual reason as to WHY I don't call her and discuss my life openly with her?

As I've stated earlier, I love her, but she doesn't call me whenever she makes changes in her life. I'm 35 years old. I was unaware that I was required to call her with every step that I took, since I was not required to do so in the past.

Now, don't for a minute think that I feel like I'm not responsible for anything. But, to be honest, the only thing that I can think of that would cause her to blow up like this, is that I'd discussed the subject with other people, instead of coming to her first. In addition, some of the people that I had discussed the situation with were people that she isn't a huge fan of (to say the least). I can see how that could hurt her feelings. BUT, if she had called and talked to me, I could have explained to her that those people called me. I did not call them. But she doesn't want to hear that. She would prefer to be angry.

So, I'm afraid that I will just allow her to be angry for a little while. While I do love her (of course!), I have enough stress in my life without worrying about one more person being angry at me for my life's choices. That's what I have an ex-husband (and his whole family) for.