Panic Mode

Ok, I'm not gonna lie... I'm starting to hit Panic Mode.

I've spent all morning going one website at a time: GI Jobs 2011 Top 100 Military Friendly Companies.
I am on the second page, and I've applied at 3 different places. I look though their job postings, and if I find something that I think I can qualify for, I go ahead and apply.

(sn. This process takes forever because each application is PAGES long. The last one was 7 pages!)

I'm a little bummed, because I'm really hoping to find something in the field that I was in while in the military.

I'm so sick of sitting behind a desk! But, apparently, I'm going to spend the rest of my life as an Administrative Assistant, doing Customer Service stuff.

Not what I want to do, but whatever... Super.

I'm upset because I haven't received even one response, inquiring more information, or even faking interest in the three weeks since I've started applying.

I have had several friends give me feedback on my resumes, and I have shortened and reworded them to be more suitable... I think...

Whatever.

Does it really matter?
I keep wasting  my time, filling out applications...
I'm trying to find something in or near Jacksonville, that pays at least close to what I was making before.
I can't afford to be flexible on that because I have to be able to pay child support and be able to support myself.

It's not looking good, so I'm really starting to worry.

I'm not writing this to have 10 people tell me "Oh, you'll find something." or "Don't worry, everything works out."
I'm past that.
I've been telling myself that for a couple of weeks.

It's  NOT. 
It DOESN'T.

I am running out of money, and even if I find a job, I have no idea how on earth I'll be able to GET to Florida, much less support myself until I start getting paid.

I'm frustrated.
I'm scared.
I'm sad...
...and I'm venting. 

I can't use my education, either, because UMUC is holding it hostage....
OF COURSE THEY ARE, THIS IS MY LIFE... WHY WOULDN'T THEY???

Seriously. If it can go wrong, it will.

Some days you just want to quit trying.
You want to stop trying to put up a strong front.
You want to just give in to all of the outside forces and let the walls come crashing down.

I feel like I've been holding up one wall at a time forever, and when I hold one up, another falls.

• I am diagnosed with cancer... my marriage fails.
• I leave Florida in the hopes of being able to support myself... I lose my kids to my ex.
• I get my child support crap fixed... and I lose my job.
• I feel positive about finding a new job near Carley... and find out that I can't use any of my education on my resume because the stupid school is holding my transcripts hostage. 

Seriously?

I really want to just say F@!$ IT and throw in the towel because this S&#% is really starting to P*!$ me off!!

Oh, did I mention that I can't zip the back window into my jeep, and winter is coming. I need new tires... AGAIN. And Rita is making a couple of funny noises that I'm pretty sure won't just stay "funny noises" forever.

Ok, I believe I'm finished for now. If I still smoked, I'd go have one right about now. Maybe a beer....

Links to Support my Theory

NY Times article re Stress and Cancer

Life Script: Illness Caused by Stress; see #10

NewsMax Health; practice relaxation techniques

Stress and Your Health

Just a little extra reading for anyone interested. I can't believe I have never researched my theory before. Apparently, there might be something to what I'm thinking.

Feel free to share any thoughts you might have on this!!

No Title

Well, I can't think of a name for today's blog... so I'll just skip it.

So, all week, we have been packing and moving stuff into storage. We have a plan:

• Finish packing the house & putting things into storage on Monday & Tuesday.
• Each night, after the storage place locks the gate, we fill the truck with Goodwill stuff for Chuck to drop off the next day after work.
• Wednesday, we moved the stuff we're not putting into storage to Monica's & clean up the house.
• Thursday, I have to work @ Michael's, so we have to be moved out by then.

THEN, I got to the office on Tuesday, looked at my calendar and realized that I work at Michael's on Tuesday, not Thursday! Crap! So, it sort of threw a wrench in the plans.... But I didn't think it was that big of a deal...

I got home from Michael's around 10pm last night, the kitchen has all empty cupboards and everything is on the counters... Not in boxes or anything; just on top of the counters. I have no idea why he did that... but whatever... lol.

Poor Chuck has finally hit panic mode. He kept talking about how there was no way we were going to have everything out by Thursday... He wants to take Thursday off work... he's begun pacing...

I'm the opposite... I am trying to help get everything moved, but if we have to move a little on Friday, what exactly is the landlord gonna do? Kick us out? Um... how will that work, exactly?

"Throttle back, big guy. It will allllll be ooookkkk.... Just roll with it."

Which is funny, because I'm usually the panicky one and he's the one telling me to chill. "There's no sense in stressing over it. That won't change things, Brenda." (That was my Chuck imitation) Haha!

Anyhoo... we're just trucking along... I'm doing pretty well with this whole one-day-at-a-time thing right now. I contradict myself, though. I'm supposed to be following a one-year plan, but also living one day at a time. What the heck? I have a goal for a year from now, but I have already figured out that it will be really hard to keep this up for a year. I don't want to invade another family's home for that long, even though it would make us SO MUCH BETTER OFF financially! So, I've put on my blinders, put my head down, and am pushing forward. I will go to my jobs, start exercising again, and pay as many bills as possible. The rest is just minor stuff.

I do believe, this weekend, Chuck and I have earned ourselves a few beers. Time to relax a little!

Yard Sale

Well, over the weekend, we started going through the things in our house, making categories: Yard Sale, Give Away, Storage.

Some went to Chuck's parent's new apartment, since they just moved into a place, and didn't have anything here in Georgia. All of their furniture is in New York, and they usually stay with Monica (Chuck's sister) whenever they were down here. So, it felt good to be able to help them out with some things. Even when we don't have much, we are still able to give anything that we can.

We are planning on having a yard sale this weekend, in Cumming, GA. If anyone is around, let me know. I'll send you the address to come out and buy our stuff!! Haha!

Finally, there are some important things that Chuck and I do not want to part with... I have an antique bed and dresser set, photo albums, his computer, stereo, and so on. We will be putting those items into a storage unit, rather than get rid of them.

The more items we get rid of, the more I can feel the weight lifting! The closer we get to the "moving out" date, the better I feel. It will be so much less stress to NOT have to worry about the rent, water and electric bill, the phone and Internet bill, and so on. We will be able to pay off a lot of this debt, and even put some money aside to save (gasp!) for when we do decide to get a place again. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to get some furniture that matches... and PAY CASH for it, instead of on credit?! I know this is not going to make us rich, but it will move us into the right direction.

I was once a stable adult with excellent credit. I intend to be again.

I want to own a home again some day. I want to be able to take a vacation, and still feel confident that the bills will get paid. I want to know that there is money in the bank in case of emergencies. I want some stability in my life. I miss that. I will NOT miss the stress that this has all brought. I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is a beautiful sight, that I haven't been able to see it in a very long time.

I'm checking off items like a checklist...
Straighten out medical bill with insurance company... CHECK!
Straighten out consolidation loan... CHECK!
Pay off one of the credit cards (higher interest)... CHECK!
CHECK, CHECK, CHECK! :o)

It's a beautiful thing...