Adventurer Extraordinaire

After some thinking, it has recently occurred to me that I am not the same person that I used to be. I feel like I'm all rolled up into myself. I used to be spread out; giving and sharing, and now I'm small and afraid. My core, my inner being, is different.

I used to be strong, bold, outgoing, brave... I didn't flinch... I didn't think twice about going on an adventure!! My Mom once told me that one of the things she admired about me was that I was willing to just pack up go anywhere. I loved going to new places, and never had any qualms about moving anywhere, even if I had to go alone. I'd always figured that I would just make new friends once I got there!

What has happened to me? Was it age? Being a mother? Was it divorce? Was it cancer? Was it just the slow erosion of life, wearing away at my candy coating? Whatever it was, I'm not happy about it being gone. I'm suddenly thinking that instead of creating caution and fear in me, why didn't the fact that I overcame these things instill more boldness and fearlessness in me? Isn't that how it should have worked? Who's to say why I have reacted the way that I have?

I joined the US Navy when I was 17 and turned 18 in boot camp... WHAT AN ADVENTURE!

That wasn't enough, though. When I was in Parachute Rigger School, a set of orders came up to send the very first female parachute rigger to a sea-going command... in essence, the first woman on a navy carrier... I wanted it. I wanted it bad! I didn't even think it through before my hand was in the air, and I was begging: "Pick me, pick me!!" Who WAS that girl? I miss her. Her name is in a history book somewhere. She was interview by Katie Couric for her role in the US's military history. She was amazing, and funny, and always plowed in head first.

After some time, I met the man that was to become my husband. Again, I just dove in. He had a little girl, and I jumped in with both feet, at the age of 19, and adopted a 3 year old. Being her step-mom wasn't good enough for me. Her biological mother had some things going on her life, so Ashleigh was going to be MINE, and I'll be damned, she still is. She has grown into a beautiful, amazing young lady. I couldn't be more proud.

In retrospect, I married too young, but it's not something I could regret! How could I? I have two amazing daughters from that marriage.

Our family had the opportunity to move to Europe... Rota, Spain. My first reaction? YES! I didn't even hesitate. When do we leave? I was so excited to face this new adventure with the people that I loved the most. It wasn't easy to sell the house that I loved. It wasn't easy saying goodbye to the people we loved here in the states. It wasn't easy living over there, and in the long run, it was the beginning of the end of our marriage... But again, I couldn't regret it! I have wonderful friends, wonderful memories from living over there! My children have memories and friends from it! Why would I regret any of those choices?

When the time was up, we all moved back to the states, and got a new house. We lived in Florida for a year before Cancer struck. But, again, being the person that I am, I faced it head on... I CAN DO THIS!! Dying was never an option that even crossed my mind. I got the phone call, then called my mother and husband, and then went shopping, just as I had planned to spend my day before I received that phone call. That little 6-letter word wasn't going to ruin that day or any day after, as far as I was concerned!

In the long run, it was the downfall of an already failing marriage, but I learned a few things. I think I would have just kept dangling on forever in that unhappy marriage if I had never had to face something harder. I firmly believe that God only sends us what we can handle, and everything happens for a reason. It also taught me how to really love something more than myself.

The day that I left my ex-husband was one of the hardest days of my life... much harder than cancer ever was for me. It wasn't hard because of leaving him. We'd fought for so long, and so hard, and so loudly, that leaving was like finally being at peace. The difficult decision was leaving my girls.

Some things should really just kill you.

I didn't want to leave them, but I had no choice. I was trying to love them more than myself, and I knew that if I really did care about them, then they should stay in the home that they knew, around the friends that they already had. Divorce was difficult enough, without being pulled up by your roots and yanked around by your mother, who herself was lost at the time. Still, to this day, I don't know if I made the right decision. But, I tried to do the right thing by them... Only to be judged for it over and over again during the past three years. My consolation? The people judging me don't know the whole story, and they have probably never had to face the same decision I had to make that day.

Regardless, I do believe that was the beginning of my slow demise. I had always known my place in the world... I was always at the front of the line. The first to try something new, while others followed me! Once I gave my girls to my ex husband, I think I rolled myself up into a cocoon and have just been dwelling day by day without any purpose in my life.

I am about to embark on a new journey, which is entirely in keeping with my character. The problem is that I haven't got the enthusiasm that all of my other journeys began with. I see the reason for the journey. I see where it will take me. I have considered the hardships that will be involved. Like a good little Libra, I've weighed all the pros and cons (which is something I never did when I was younger) and yet I'm still not excited.

Something is missing.

Everything is bland. Beige. Neutral.

This bothers me.

I do believe that at the tender age of 35, I've finally lost my zest and enthusiasm for life.

What do I do now? Come to terms with it? I'm not ok with that option. But how do I get it back? I definitely need to sit down and figure this one out before I move along much further.

My brain keeps thinking around and around in circles. I have some theories. Of course, I’ll have to think them through several more times before I decide to share those theories. I’m worried that if I make the changes that might be necessary, then some of the people that I care about will be deeply affected. Am I ready to do that? Not yet.

As a Libra, I’m also a problem-solver. Maybe I can figure out a way to find my old (younger) self again, while still holding on to the things in my life that I want the most. Can I really have it all? I’m sure experts agree that you can’t … but those experts never met me!