Being a Mom is Complicated

You see people all the time, commending men when they take on any kind of out-of-the-norm parenting role. Single dad, raising step-kids, winning custody of their children in a divorce, etc. But when do the moms get some sort of credit? Why isn't that stuff just expected of dads, like it is moms?

Here's the thing. I adopted my step daughter when she was 3. I was 19 and took on someone else's child, still being just a child myself. I also have a biological daughter as well. I gave custody of them to my husband in our divorce. I did not fight for them, and only got to see them every other weekend. On the surface, that makes me look like a bad mom. I am uncaring... a terrible mother! But ask me about it. I gave up my kids because he had the house. He had the money and the means. He had his health. I gave them up for many of the same reasons that dads do it. I felt that it was the best thing for these two little people that I cared so much about!

When we split, I figured that the divorce would be hard enough on my kids without removing them from their home, their school, their friends. I didn't know where I was going to stay, and in fact, lived out of my vehicle for a couple of weeks! Was I supposed to bring my children into that? In addition, I was still undergoing chemo and radiation therapies for cancer. Who would care for my children when it took all I had to care for myself?

I have been called so many things: survivor, courageous, strong...  because I made it through cancer. But what should have killed me, was giving up my daughters! I cried myself to sleep every night for nearly a year. My chest hurt... I could feel actual pain... like someone was ripping out my heart with their bare hands. I worried about who was reading them bedtime stories, packing their lunches, making sure they brushed their teeth and got to bed on time... It was labor to even breathe without them most days! But I did it. They had everything that they needed. Things that I could never have provided for them. As much as it hurt, I know I did the right thing.

Now, 8 years later, both of my girls are thriving, intelligent, beautiful young ladies that I couldn't be more proud of! I pray that they can understand why I did what I did someday, and aren't too angry at me for the choices that I made.

They just need to know that they are loved.

Cancer Leaves Scars That You Can't Always See

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. I don't think about it much on a daily basis anymore, because over time, the emotional trauma has somewhat faded. The scars are just part of me like the nose on my face.

But quite often, someone crosses my path that is dealing with this terrible disease in some way, either themselves, or someone they care about. 
A friend of a friend started chemo today. I have never met her, but I understand what she is going through. So many questions, fears, worries. I pray that her experience goes well.
Suddenly, so many of the emotions come flowing back. I can still feel the ups and downs... the frustrations, exhaustion, and the loneliness involved. I was surrounded by people, yet still so alone. I am grateful to my friend for being there for her friend. It will mean so much for the rest of her, hopefully very long, life.
I still, to this day, can't find the right words to accurately describe my experience, other than that it is, indeed
LIFE CHANGING.
Saying prayers for my friend's friend.

**{This was a related post, several months later.}

I see so many of my friends and family struggling right now. I have seen the pain they are going through and I completely understand it. Some things feel like they really should just kill you!!
All I can offer is that I believe things do happen for a reason. My cancer diagnosis started a chain of events that brought a lot of pain and heartache. Things that I have no idea how I survived. Things that caused me to be angry and bitter in my heart for years!
Only to finally open my eyes one day and see. It was all to lead me to a place. To a person. To be a part of something bigger than just myself!
Now I have Jon, 2 more beautiful daughters in my life, and the little boy that I had always hoped for.
I look forward to seeing where the future will take us!
And I pray that those going through painful parts of their lives, will find peace and be able to see their purpose and bigger picture soon.
Sending love... You know who you are...