Panic Mode

Ok, I'm not gonna lie... I'm starting to hit Panic Mode.

I've spent all morning going one website at a time: GI Jobs 2011 Top 100 Military Friendly Companies.
I am on the second page, and I've applied at 3 different places. I look though their job postings, and if I find something that I think I can qualify for, I go ahead and apply.

(sn. This process takes forever because each application is PAGES long. The last one was 7 pages!)

I'm a little bummed, because I'm really hoping to find something in the field that I was in while in the military.

I'm so sick of sitting behind a desk! But, apparently, I'm going to spend the rest of my life as an Administrative Assistant, doing Customer Service stuff.

Not what I want to do, but whatever... Super.

I'm upset because I haven't received even one response, inquiring more information, or even faking interest in the three weeks since I've started applying.

I have had several friends give me feedback on my resumes, and I have shortened and reworded them to be more suitable... I think...

Whatever.

Does it really matter?
I keep wasting  my time, filling out applications...
I'm trying to find something in or near Jacksonville, that pays at least close to what I was making before.
I can't afford to be flexible on that because I have to be able to pay child support and be able to support myself.

It's not looking good, so I'm really starting to worry.

I'm not writing this to have 10 people tell me "Oh, you'll find something." or "Don't worry, everything works out."
I'm past that.
I've been telling myself that for a couple of weeks.

It's  NOT. 
It DOESN'T.

I am running out of money, and even if I find a job, I have no idea how on earth I'll be able to GET to Florida, much less support myself until I start getting paid.

I'm frustrated.
I'm scared.
I'm sad...
...and I'm venting. 

I can't use my education, either, because UMUC is holding it hostage....
OF COURSE THEY ARE, THIS IS MY LIFE... WHY WOULDN'T THEY???

Seriously. If it can go wrong, it will.

Some days you just want to quit trying.
You want to stop trying to put up a strong front.
You want to just give in to all of the outside forces and let the walls come crashing down.

I feel like I've been holding up one wall at a time forever, and when I hold one up, another falls.

• I am diagnosed with cancer... my marriage fails.
• I leave Florida in the hopes of being able to support myself... I lose my kids to my ex.
• I get my child support crap fixed... and I lose my job.
• I feel positive about finding a new job near Carley... and find out that I can't use any of my education on my resume because the stupid school is holding my transcripts hostage. 

Seriously?

I really want to just say F@!$ IT and throw in the towel because this S&#% is really starting to P*!$ me off!!

Oh, did I mention that I can't zip the back window into my jeep, and winter is coming. I need new tires... AGAIN. And Rita is making a couple of funny noises that I'm pretty sure won't just stay "funny noises" forever.

Ok, I believe I'm finished for now. If I still smoked, I'd go have one right about now. Maybe a beer....

The Ex, Detox, and Jobs

Ok, so I realize that I haven't really updated lately. So... let's see...

I got a phone call from Tim's current wife this morning, asking if Ash had her necklace that has apparently been missing for over a year. I don't know if she did or didn't take it... To be honest, I don't know why she would... but whatever. I've never seen her wearing it. But, apparently, we are now friends, and can share conversations about the kids... I would actually appreciate that, since Tim won't tell me anything... However, in retrospect, I should have asked her why she didn't call me when her daughter totaled a vehicle with my daughter in it??? I didn't want to pick a fight, though.

In other news, Monica, Chuck and I attempted to "detox" our bodies before starting a diet of "making better choices." So, we were off and running:
Day 1... Monica had a headache, Chuck was irritable (he stopped caffeine and nicotine in the same day!!) and went to bed early, and I made it through in one piece.
Day 2... Monica still had a headache, and was hungry, Chuck was less irritable but very tired, and I had a ridiculous headache, which also made me irritable.
Day 3.... I woke up with that same headache, and weirdly enough... my kidneys hurt all day. Chuck was back to being irritable, and Monica decided she was done with the detox and went on to the "diet" portion by making herself an omelet for breakfast. That opened the door for me to have a cup of coffee, and my headache was gone (kidneys still hurt this morning, tho, for some reason).

So, we quit with the detox, and have all agreed to just limit the bad things (coffee for me, Cokes and chew for Chuck, and junk food for Monica). We will also be keeping an eye on our carbohydrate intake, and making sure to fill our snacks with fruits and veggies instead of junk food. We are all weighing ourselves first thing in the morning to see if any of us lost any weight from it.

Finally, the search for a job goes on...When I went through cancer and chemo, I found out who my real friends were. I learned very quickly that they may or may not be the people that are in your life every single day. They don't have to be on the phone with you on a regular basis, or babysit your kids on the weekends.

Your true friends will just step forward when you need it the most. I have had countless true friends offer help to me lately. I would love to make a list of all the people that have offered to give my resume to someone, or suggested a company or website, or gave me info on an opening somewhere, or even just gave me tips on how to beef up my resume. You are all awesome!!

Now, I don't have a job offer coming in yet, but I KNOW that when one does, it will be something really good, doing something that I WANT to do, some place closer to Carley.

I am excited about the opportunities that I know are coming my way!

I finally broke down and told Carley last night that I had lost my job, and that I am looking for something in Jacksonville. I told her that I can't make any promises, but I am trying to get closer to her. She was so excited, and that was just even more incentive for me to make sure this happens. I believe that if you want something bad enough, you have to find a way to make sure it happens.

When I lost my job, I was devastated.
I loved working for that company.
I loved my customers.
I loved the people I worked with.
I used that job as a reason not to leave Georgia.

I knew that I was unhappy being away from my daughter, but I was so afraid to quit, because I didn't know if I could find something just as fulfilling. So, even though being unemployed SUCKS from a financial aspect, I have an amazing support group, both here in Georgia, and with my family and friends. I know this was the kick in the pants that I needed to get back down Florida and to be in Carley's life on a much more regular basis.

I can't wait to see what the next step in my life will be. I am READY to get started (if only that phone would ring...lol).

Quick update...
Still looking for a job.
No news yet.
Looks like I was approved for unemployment, but it doesn't cover much. I have no idea how people can just stay on unemployment instead of looking for work. I can't afford to live like that!

That's about it.
Sorry so short, but I've got tons of things to do. Looking for a GOOD place to work is a full time job!

Being Grateful, Prayers

I have spent the entire morning sending out cover letters with resumes, and filling out online job applications. It's a long, tedious process, and to be honest, I have no idea if I'm making any headway at all. Pretty much all of the job site places are inundated with so many people looking for work... and just sending out resumes IN CASE they lose their current job, that I feel like I'm just getting buried in the shuffle. I feel like I need a "gimmick" or something to make my resume really stand out... I'm open to suggestions! I really don't know if I'm just wasting my time, or if the phone will actually ring sometime soon.

I guess we shall see.

I do have an appointment with the Unemployment Office tomorrow morning. I filled out everything I could about my request to collect unemployment online, on Sunday night. On the application, there were boxes that asked
why I was terminated,
if I was aware of whatever rule that was broken,
if I had been notified of this rule,
if I had ever been formally reprimanded,
if I felt the termination was justified,
and what I felt the actual reason for termination was, if I did not agree.

SO, I don't know if the Labor Board actually follows up on this or not, but they have been notified of the situation.

In other news... I spoke with a family member today, and was reminded once again that my situation is not nearly as dire as it could be. For instance, I still have a roof over my head, my children and dog are safe, and unemployment will at least cover my child support payments.

My life does NOT include any drama or violence.

While I know that we are all fully aware of how fortunate we are in regards to our support systems and the people that care about us, sometimes it is easy to get so wrapped up in our own "problems" that we forget that there are many people that have it worse off than we do....

In my case, I have just such a person in my own family.

So, although it isn't a lot, I did what I could to help her out.

Recently, a friend did something for me, and even though I don't have a job right now, I am fortunate enough to be able to forwarded the favor along to my loved one. I am hoping that very soon, she will be in a situation where she will be able to forward something similar to someone else that is needing the help.

Meanwhile, I would appreciate it if you could all just mention a "general" prayer for her at some point today. She could really use all the love and positive vibes that she can get. Her situation is difficult, but she has two very small children to care for, and that is making it even harder for her.

Wishing love, safety, and a violence-free path for all of you....