Fit By 40

As I begin to approach my 39th birthday, I have thought a lot about my physical self lately.
Because I am so out of shape, I have decided to give myself a birthday gift.
I have wanted to be fit and strong... and proud of my reflection... for as long as I can remember.
I have gotten on that track a few times by losing weight and hitting the gym, but eventually, life gets in my way, and I become derailed.

By 40, I want to be the person I have dreamed about!
I have one year to get this done.

Somehow, I need to be held accountable!
I need friends to call, text and Facebook me to ask about my progress!
If I am not progressing, I need to be reminded of how important this is!!
I don't need "Nice." I need a real, true friend. Honesty. Reality. Even if it hurts.

On days when I would rather sleep in, I need a push out of bed to run before it gets too hot outside.
In the evenings, I need to go to the gym, not drink beer in the hot tub!
I need to eat more fruits and vegetables as snacks, not chips and desserts!
I need to eat salads on the rare occasion that I do eat out, instead of reaching for the greasy burger and fries.
I need my loved ones to encourage healthier choices, instead of recommending that we "swing by for a Starbucks" on the way to go somewhere.

I realize that I am an adult, and I am fully capable of saying, "No," but sometimes it isn't easy.
Dangling things in front of my face makes it a whole lot harder.
I know I wouldn't go to Taco Bell on my own. In fact, I very rarely EVER eat out on my own!
But if the person I'm with suggests it, I'm quick to say, "sure!"

It is really hard for me!

As I have mentioned, I have allowed other things to get in my way.
The people that I live with (boyfriend and kids) and the people that I work with are the biggest distractors.
Now I need them to be my biggest cheerleaders!

From now on, if you aren't for me, you are against me.
If I am someone you genuinely care about, you will encourage me to be more fit and make better food choices.
I need positive reinforcement.
I need supportive people that know my health and longevity are more important than being able to stay up late, watching some television show.
More important than waving lemon cake under my nose or a late night ice cream run to Sonic.
More important than asking why I am having a salad instead of partaking in the Friday Night Potluck that is full of grease and cheese.

Where I am right now, is the most unhealthy I have ever been in my entire life.
Things need to change. If they don't, I may not be around for as long as my loved ones want me to me.
Being this way has made me feel depressed and uncomfortable with who I am.
My clothes are too tight.
Sitting with my legs crossed is painful because my thighs are too thick.
My shoulders and hips ache from the moment I wake up in the mornings.
I feel easily winded any time I do cardio.
My stomach even aches every time I eat!

Overall, I am unhappy and sick most of the time.
I don't want to be that person anymore!
So, my gift to myself for my 40th birthday is to be healthy, fit and happy!
And the only 40th gift I want from anyone else is a year's supply of love, encouragement, and understanding.
It's not too late, but if I keep putting it off, it will be.

UPDATE: A week later, I have lost 6.4 pounds so far! Yayy! :)

No. I'm Not Ok

Walking through work, people are so kind. They extend a heartfelt, "How are you doing?" Implying, how am I since I lost my dog.
My response... smile and say, "I am doing ok. Thank you for asking."
Inside my head, though, all I can do is scream,

"NO, I AM NOT OK! I AM SAD AND LOST AND LONELY AND I FEEL ABANDONED!!"

But nobody wants to hear that...

I alternate between missing him and being angry that he left me. Then, I feel bad for being mad at him, because I know he never would leave me on purpose...

My emotions are out of control. I feel like I will never be happy again. I am ok one second, then angry the next, then crying after that! By the time I go through all of these emotions, people don't want to be anywhere near me.... and I can't blame them. I don't want to be near myself!!

I just want to be able to come to terms with this loss, and look at all the great memories I have that everyone keeps reminding me of. But I'm trapped.

I don't know how long it will take, and I wish people understood that... instead of just expecting me to be ok.

Dogs and Stress

Let's get down to brass tacks here. Truth be told, I merely tolerate most people on my very best days. Somehow, my dog has always calmed me and helped me to be at least more patient, if not friendly.

Without him, I am a jerk.

Since he passed last week, I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with life's little tasks. I had no idea how much Dee Oh Jee really did reduce my stress levels.

I am a normally high stress/worrier anyways. I stress over money, my kids, what my boyfriend thinks of me, work, cleaning the house, why friends don't call, that weird mole on my back... You name it.

I am a Libra, which means I have the capacity to think something to death, then start over and think about it again. Once a negative thought pops into my head, no matter how warranted it may or may not be, I can't unthink it. Sometimes I think I'm crazy because I can't get thoughts out of my head. It's hard to let go.

Knowing this, I try really hard to just get past it and not say a word about it to anyone. No point in starting some crazy situation over some trick my brain is playing.

Since the loss of my pet, however, I have found the negative thoughts getting louder and more frequent. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut and am hurting people that I care about over stupid tricks that my mind is playing. I can't seem to control it.

So, you may ask... why not just get another dog? Problem solved, right?

Because I don't want another dog. My last one was irreplaceable. He understood me. We had a long history. Cancer, my divorce, depression, moving over state lines, camping & hiking, car rides....

Any other animal would be just that. Something else. Can you just replace a friend with another person? Of course not. Same with dogs.

Somehow, I am going to have to learn to deal with life on my own. I need to figure out this whole tolerance thing without his help. I haven't got a plan for that yet. Meanwhile, I may need to duct tape my mouth shut in public, and lock me in the bathroom like a bad pet while at home.

The worst part... other than this blog, I have no one to talk to. To everyone else in the world, it was "just a dog," so they think I should be ok by now. People close to me just expect me to resume life as usual. My boyfriend is tired of hearing about it. He hasn't said as much, but you know how people act.

So here I am. In my hateful little bubble with a black cloud floating over my head. Alone. Without my best friend. Heartbroken and angry....