So Many Questions.

I got a phone call today.
The memories came flooding back.
It all seems too familiar.

I ran and ran until the crying stopped,
Trying to outrun the terror.
Gasping for air, I made my way home.

I took a shower after,
To cry and cry some more.
I sat on the floor, begging for help.
But no one came,
So I cried again.

I drove to work.
Spent the shift pretending
There was no call at all.
There was no panic in the shower.
Life moves forward.
Nobody can know.

Don't tell anyone.
It makes them uncomfortable.
They don't know what to say,
So they say it's probably not true.

Or they change the conversation
To themselves.

My fear is tossed aside
In order to make them feel better.
They try not to think about it.
I've been here before.
I know this game.
Until I have answers,
I have no answers.

They downplay my feelings.
My fears are tossed aside.
It's easier than talking.

Meanwhile, I continue to type.
Only this notebook listens.
Only it can hear my pain and see my fear.
Only I can wait for my own fate.

The clock ticks on while I wait.

Workplace Entertainment

Let me start by saying that I work with a bunch of children. Sometimes their antics make me crazy, and sometimes they amuse me. Today was the latter.

First, a little background.

Here at work, we often have "Lemon Cake Wednesdays." It's a nice thing that our shift supervisor does sometimes, and at the end of our shift, we leave the rest of the cake for mid-check to enjoy.

Well, one of the guys on nights thinks it's funny to cut off the top of the remaining cake and eat just that... because that's where the frosting is.

(Yes, I thought it was pretty messed up at first, but once you've hung out for a while, you realize it's just an ongoing game between shifts.)

Today, they got our shift back.

Last night, the "frosting thief" left part of a pacan pie in the fridge.

Today, we came in and our shift supervisor reached in to eat it... but the other shift had eaten the rest of the pie... and left only the crust... and put it back in the fridge!

The look on his face was priceless!!

It really is a war around here. You have to be careful not to get caught in the crosshairs!!

Sometimes Ya Need To Roar...

Earn Some Money!

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Being Followed

On Sunday night, Jon, Carley and I were coming back from a camping trip in Ocala. It was dark out, and we were headed north on Hwy 301. Hwy 301 is a 4 lane highway, with 2 lanes going in each direction, with a grass median in between.

As were were headed out of Ocala, Jon was driving in the left lane and turned on his signal to move to the right lane, since he didn't need to be there. He glanced over his shoulder and barely noticed a black car with dark tinted windows riding next to us in that lane. They didn't have any headlights on, just their yellow running lights.

Jon let him pass us, and we got behind him at a light, so he flashed his lights one time at the driver, just to let him know that his lights weren't on. How he couldn't tell was beyond us, because it was pitch dark, and there were no street lights where we were.

When we took off from the light, he was moving a little slower, so Jon moved back into the left lane to pass him, and started driving. We got to the next light, the car still didn't have his lights turned on, and instead of staying in the right lane, the driver slowed down and got behind us in the left lane... even though we were the only 2 cars around.

We thought that was odd, but Jon just figured that maybe he knew his lights were out. They could be broken, so he was behind us so that in case a cop came, he was less likely to get caught. But the farther we went, the more it became clear that the black car was tailgating us.

Still, Jon figured that since he had no lights, then maybe he was just using us to guide him along.

Eventually, however, it became clear that he was intentionally following our car. We slowed down to 40mph, and the car refused to go around us. We sped up to 75mph, and he stayed on our bumper the whole time.

We caught up to some other cars, and Jon changed lanes. The black car cut off another car just to stay with us! At this time, Jon suggested I call *FHP on my cell phone and get ahold of the cops.

I was talking to a woman at dispatch, and since we weren't near any towns or anything, it was hard to give her an exact location of where we were. She kept putting me on hold. She wasn't able to locate any town cops near us, and there weren't any county cops nearby, either.

At one point, she suggested "just pull over and let him go by you."
Me: "We're not pulling over! We're in the middle of nowhere and my kid is in the car! I don't think you're hearing me. He's following us!"

About this time, we managed to catch up to another car and a truck, and Jon was able to cut off the car in the left lane just as it was passing the truck. The black car had to get behind the other car, which got him off our bumper. We immediately broke free, and sped up to about 100mph, thinking that either we could get away, or a cop would catch us and pull us over. (Since I was on the phone with Highway Patrol the whole time, we weren't too worried about getting in trouble.)

Anyways, as we were flying down the road, I'm still talking to the dispatcher, trying to make her understand that this person is FOLLOWING US. I don't think she was believing me...

I looked into the darkness out the rear window. I could see the two sets of headlights of the car and truck that we just passed, and I'm watching the ominous set of dim yellow lights weaving around them, trying to catch up to us!

Finally, we came over a hill, and the black car lost sight of us for a moment. Jon pulled into a turn lane on the left so he could either hook a U-turn, keep going forward, or to stay stopped when the car came back into view. As luck had it, either the car didn't realize it was us that had stopped, or he didn't have time to stop himself... He flew right on by!

I let the dispatcher know, and we kind of killed a little time driving through a gas station and so on, but it seemed like we had lost the car.

A little while later, a town cop called to check on us. I told him what happened and that we were fine. I appreciated them calling to check!

Then, just before turning off of Hwy 301, we stopped at a gas station for snacks, and as I got back in the car, my phone rang again. It was a county cop, also checking on us. As I was explaining to him what happened, Jon was driving down the road and we passed a black car that looked exactly like the one that followed us, sitting in the grass on the side of the road. Windows down. Not running. Nobody in it....

Getting My Thoughts Out of My Head

I once heard my uncle say, "The people that study psychology are the people that need it the most."

That may be quite true.

During my college years, I changed my major several times, but the one constant was my minor of psychology. I have always felt this overbearing need to figure things out, including myself.

Because of this need, even as a child, I was compelled to talk with people about things that I felt were noteworthy. During the 80's, however, children were not taken seriously. After all, what life experiences have we had? So as I got older, I made efforts to learn bigger words and start using them in sentences. It made little difference.

My overbearing need to discuss the things in my head, and be heard, was not fulfilled.

Over time, the big lesson that I learned was that not all people think like I do. I can take a subject and dissect it until I know every aspect. Every single angle. Then, I want to talk to someone about the subject before starting from the beginning and reanalyzing the whole thing with the new information.

I thought everyone thought like this.
Turns out, they do not.

People think I'm "worrying" a situation. The funny thing is, however, that I sleep like a baby most nights. I've never suffered from insomnia. I can put my thoughts in a box, go to sleep, and open it back up in the morning. I'm not worried or stressed. I just have this obsessive need to figure out how something works.

The "Why" of it.

"It" could be something as obvious as a puzzle or algebraic equation, or as complicated as how to try to let someone back into my life after they have hurt me. And not everything creates deep thoughts, either. Some things do, some do not.

A part of my need to understand things includes talking about the subject with someone whose opinion I trust. Often times, my thinking out loud with someone as my sounding board tends to just make it harder for me.

I'm not looking for an answer when I talk to someone. That's the easy part! I need to take the subject apart and look at all of the parts and pieces. I have to know what each and every little part does. What each means to the whole.

Often times, when the person I'm talking with gets frustrated because I'm still pondering everything instead of listening to their answers. They give up and just tell me how much harder I'm making it on myself by over analyzing the situation.

But I can't stop!
I HAVE to figure it out in my head until I come up with some sort of conclusion. I must find a way to make peace with whatever it is in my head. Once I've done that, I'm finished with it!

I used to spend a lot of time apologizing to my friends or loved ones when I have basically reached what I call my Critical Mass Stage, but all I ever wanted was someone to understand.

These people have hurt me by yelling at me for not taking their resolution to the problem.
They get frustrated at me for putting too much thought into something that they deem unworthy.
They are actually mad at me because my mind thinks differently than theirs.

I try to explain.
Very few people have ever understood.
So I apologize to the ones that don't, and learn to talk more to the people that do.

I would like to think that all of my psychology classes have helped with that... or maybe it's just given me more to think about...

Write a book, they said....

Over the years, like anyone, I have underwent so many changes in life. My struggles aren't any worse or more important than the next person. Mine are just different.

Because of that, I've been told by several people that I should write a book about my experiences. Other people, they say, may be interested in what I have been through; and how I, personally, delt with life's challenges. I pushed the idea around in my head for a very long time. Other than this blog, what do I know about writing? And not a lot of people even read this!

Self doubt can be a crippling disease.

So is it worth all the work involved, only to risk failure?

I finally decided that maybe it would be. If my story can help one child deal with the fears of adoption.... one woman better face a cancer diagnosis... one stepmom find her path easier... then maybe yes. It would be worth it.

So, I began to brainstorm and put a tell able order to my life. I want to remember all of the really great stories to keep it funny, because the not so funny parts could get really hard to read for anyone experiencing what I went through.

Here is what I've come up with so far:

The first really important thing that I've learned in life is that things always get better. Of course, my luck being what it is, it always gets worse before it gets better.... but there is light down there somewhere. I promise.

The second thing I know actually came from the words of a song. "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." I could probably write an entire book on how things didn't go according to my plan... but then ended up so much better than I had ever dared to hope.

And I think the third really important thing that I want to share has to do with courage. So many people have told me how "brave" I am.
How they admire my "courage."

Shhhh! I have an ugly little secret. I'm a coward. I fight for so many things in my life, not because I'm brave. Not because I have balls of steel. I fight because I'm afraid! The alternative of my situations have scared the crap out of me!!

You've heard of the "Fight or Flight Response?" I have a really strong fight reflex, apparently.

I've spent countless hours in my life, praying to God to help take this or that tradegedy away, so I can just crawl back to my comfort zone. Instead, per my 2nd lesson (above), God has his own plans.

I wasn't brave! I just didn't get a choice in the matter.

So. I am going to attempt to write a book. I know nothing of writing. But I do know my life. All I can do is pray that God helps me find the right words to help someone... anyone... to find their way out of their comfort zone and find the "courage" needed for their own situation.